Living in San Diego has some real bonuses! The weather has to be the most notable one. Coming from Colorado I really appreciate the year round mild, usually perfect, weather. My kids do too, and they take full advantage of it.
We have a safe, private back yard at our home. The children pass in and out freely and I feel comfortable with them playing out there unsupervised (yes, I said it!) - unsupervised! They are now six and almost two, and together or even alone they really enjoy spending time in our back yard. They have an empty garden box for digging in, sidewalk chalk, plants to water, flowers to cut and arrange, a broom for sweeping, bikes/trikes, and balls. There are also a variety of bugs, lizards, birds, bunnies, and plants for observing. Most importantly though, they get fresh air and vitamin D. When they start to get a little crazy inside I suggest they go out and play. Being outside immediately has a calming affect on them both. Sometimes my daughter just sits out there and reads a book, while the little guy makes mud cakes for her. I often her them laughing while they are out there; I think they actually get along better when they are playing outside than in.
As you can see they get plenty of essential exposure to the great outdoors. They don't lack in outdoor time, but I still feel I need to take them to the neighborhood park. I have a love-hate relationship with the park. The playground equipment allows children to strengthen and coordinate their gross motor skills in ways that ,unless you live on a rural farm or ranch, or practice a hunter/gatherer life style, your children probably do not get. While I love this opportunity for my kids to climb and develop their muscles in ways that they do not do otherwise, I don't love the other parents at the park. I don't like how parents follow their children around the park wherever they go, telling them what to do next, to be careful, to say "sorry", to take turns, and to be nice. Imagine what would happen if the parents just sat down on one of the many benches along the perimeter of the playground and just left their kids alone! They just might learn that they are capable of doing things on their own, or how to interact with another child who wants to do the same thing as them, or what happens when they jump from the steps instead of carefully walking down. We wouldn't want that would we?
Not only do these "other"parents burden their own children with their constant interference, but they also give me looks when I am not following their lead. As if I am a bad parent, just sitting on my butt, too lazy to take care of my own child. Well enough is enough. I have finally decided to be honest with them. When they are following their child around and telling them to be careful of my little boy, or to take turns with my daughter, I tell them I really don't mind if they let the children just figure it out on their own. When one of the poor, unsuspecting, parents tries to inform me that one of my children is trying to get up the slide, or might need a little help with the monkey bars, I politely tell them that I am observing them and at this point I would like to allow them to try to do it on their own.
I have tried this new method of honesty at the park, children's museum, and the children's art studio. Each time it has actually gone over quite well. Some parents are relieved to hear my point of view. They admit that they agree, but feel pressure from other parents to follow their kids around telling them what to do. One mom even told me that her kids look at her strange when she acts the helicopter parent, because she is only like that at the park, and when other parents are around!
If you are one of the "other" parents who truly feels the need to follow your child around at the park, I invite you to try to sit back and just let them be the next time you go. I am not encouraging you to let them get hurt or to bully. I would certainly intervene if I thought one of my children was in danger of serious injury or was bullying another child. However, it is important to remember that children will face physical challenges as well as confrontation from peers throughout their life, and the park just might be one of the best places for them to begin learning how to deal with such situations in a safe and peaceful manner. What better time is there to learn empathy, self-control, respect, or even the law of gravity!
If you are more like me, and have felt the pressure to act like an "other" while at the park, I invite you to just be honest the next time the situation arises. You will not only be standing up for yourself, but for your children too.
It is a beautiful day...who's up for a trip to the park?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Follow the Child
People, especially new moms, often ask me when it is time to help their children move to a next stage. Be it potty training, eating, sleeping, walking, etc., parents want to know when they should do something to help their child progress.
Isn't it funny how we think we are somehow in control of when our children develop a certain skill or progress to the next stage of development? I guess in a way we are; we can certainly hinder their development by not providing the opportunities of independence and exploration that they need. However, when it comes to pushing them to the next step, we really don't have much influence at all. Maria Montessori figured this out. She proclaimed, we must "follow the child!" As parents or teachers it is our job to follow the child allowing him to develop at his own pace according to his own schedule.
This is difficult, because we feel like it is our job to teach our children. How can we teach them if we are following them? Shouldn't we lead and they follow? If we always lead our children, than all that we can hope for from them is to someday be where we are. Don't we want more for our children? I want my children to know more than I'll ever know and to accomplish more than I will ever accomplish - to reach their fullest potential. Rather than teach them what we know, let's allow them the freedom to surpass even our wildest dreams for them, on their own path and in their own way.
To follow the child successfully we must first prepare their environment. A prepared environment is one that allows the child to follow his inner teacher, to explore things that are of interest to him and to learn through his own endeavors. Children who are allowed to play/work independently without constant instruction and interruption from the adult respond with joy and deep concentration.
A prepared environment for your child will contain: developmentally appropriate toys, real (glass, wood, metal) objects, child-sized tools (utensils, scissors, dishes, etc) and furniture, beautiful things (art, flowers, nature), and a clear and easy to maintain order. The environment will be constantly changing as the child grows - this is where the following comes in. As caregivers we observe the child, and based on those observations, we adapt the environment to meet the child's needs. We don't give him things to do that are senseless and without purpose. We don't give him things that are either so easy that he is bored or so difficult that he is defeated by them. We pay close attention to where he is at, and more importantly, where he is headed, so that we can provide the exact tools he will need. We prepare the environment, and then we step back and give him the freedom required to master a skill or one's self.
In Discovery Of The Child, Maria Montessori wrote, "That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendour during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom."
I encourage you to take some time and follow your child for a change. You might be surprised where he will lead you.
Isn't it funny how we think we are somehow in control of when our children develop a certain skill or progress to the next stage of development? I guess in a way we are; we can certainly hinder their development by not providing the opportunities of independence and exploration that they need. However, when it comes to pushing them to the next step, we really don't have much influence at all. Maria Montessori figured this out. She proclaimed, we must "follow the child!" As parents or teachers it is our job to follow the child allowing him to develop at his own pace according to his own schedule.
This is difficult, because we feel like it is our job to teach our children. How can we teach them if we are following them? Shouldn't we lead and they follow? If we always lead our children, than all that we can hope for from them is to someday be where we are. Don't we want more for our children? I want my children to know more than I'll ever know and to accomplish more than I will ever accomplish - to reach their fullest potential. Rather than teach them what we know, let's allow them the freedom to surpass even our wildest dreams for them, on their own path and in their own way.
To follow the child successfully we must first prepare their environment. A prepared environment is one that allows the child to follow his inner teacher, to explore things that are of interest to him and to learn through his own endeavors. Children who are allowed to play/work independently without constant instruction and interruption from the adult respond with joy and deep concentration.
A prepared environment for your child will contain: developmentally appropriate toys, real (glass, wood, metal) objects, child-sized tools (utensils, scissors, dishes, etc) and furniture, beautiful things (art, flowers, nature), and a clear and easy to maintain order. The environment will be constantly changing as the child grows - this is where the following comes in. As caregivers we observe the child, and based on those observations, we adapt the environment to meet the child's needs. We don't give him things to do that are senseless and without purpose. We don't give him things that are either so easy that he is bored or so difficult that he is defeated by them. We pay close attention to where he is at, and more importantly, where he is headed, so that we can provide the exact tools he will need. We prepare the environment, and then we step back and give him the freedom required to master a skill or one's self.
In Discovery Of The Child, Maria Montessori wrote, "That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendour during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom."
I encourage you to take some time and follow your child for a change. You might be surprised where he will lead you.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Speak Softly
We have come to the end of our first month of 2013. How are all your resolutions coming? So far, so good here!
My parenting resolution this month was Speak Softly. By that I meant that I would not only try to keep my voice quiet, avoid yelling, but also to keep my words soft, by avoiding negative or hurtful words. Children are so sensitive, even the slightest sharp word aimed at a child can be very hurtful. This resolution required me to think or pause before responding to my children. This is easier at some times than others. When, for example, my toddler is dipping his fingers into the gross sludge in the bottom of the dirty dishwasher and then tasting them, it is very hard to pause and then respond calmly, and quietly. Needless to say there were a few days that I didn't feel I could check of this resolution during my nightly resolution assessment. But for the most part this resolution worked.
It is amazing how we can model self-control with our children to teach them to control themselves. When our children see us flip our lids, not only do they often feel very scared, but this teaches them that shouting and loosing control is an appropriate response to anger or stressful situations. When we instead remain calm, we teach self-control and show respect to our children. Sometimes speaking softly meant that I would simply walk away, calm down, and then return to the situation to deal with it more calmly. Other times it meant just letting go, choosing my battles. To my surprise, my children were able to resolve problems on their own, and learn from their experiences without my involvement at all. If I had intervened, especially with anger, I am sure the results would not have been as good.
The biggest surprise for me was how effective just using a calm and quiet tone of voice can be. Even when I was angry or upset with my children, when I kept my voice calm and talked to them softly, I could feel myself calm down much more quickly than if I had yelled and screamed at them.
All in all, this is a resolution that I hope to continue forever. When I spoke softly, I felt like I was being a better parent, I am pretty sure my children appreciated it and they responded by speaking more softly themselves, and I felt like I had an overall sense of peace. In keeping with this idea of what I say to my children, next month my parenting resolution will be to Avoid Nagging!
My parenting resolution this month was Speak Softly. By that I meant that I would not only try to keep my voice quiet, avoid yelling, but also to keep my words soft, by avoiding negative or hurtful words. Children are so sensitive, even the slightest sharp word aimed at a child can be very hurtful. This resolution required me to think or pause before responding to my children. This is easier at some times than others. When, for example, my toddler is dipping his fingers into the gross sludge in the bottom of the dirty dishwasher and then tasting them, it is very hard to pause and then respond calmly, and quietly. Needless to say there were a few days that I didn't feel I could check of this resolution during my nightly resolution assessment. But for the most part this resolution worked.
It is amazing how we can model self-control with our children to teach them to control themselves. When our children see us flip our lids, not only do they often feel very scared, but this teaches them that shouting and loosing control is an appropriate response to anger or stressful situations. When we instead remain calm, we teach self-control and show respect to our children. Sometimes speaking softly meant that I would simply walk away, calm down, and then return to the situation to deal with it more calmly. Other times it meant just letting go, choosing my battles. To my surprise, my children were able to resolve problems on their own, and learn from their experiences without my involvement at all. If I had intervened, especially with anger, I am sure the results would not have been as good.
The biggest surprise for me was how effective just using a calm and quiet tone of voice can be. Even when I was angry or upset with my children, when I kept my voice calm and talked to them softly, I could feel myself calm down much more quickly than if I had yelled and screamed at them.
All in all, this is a resolution that I hope to continue forever. When I spoke softly, I felt like I was being a better parent, I am pretty sure my children appreciated it and they responded by speaking more softly themselves, and I felt like I had an overall sense of peace. In keeping with this idea of what I say to my children, next month my parenting resolution will be to Avoid Nagging!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Still Toileting...
Our little guy is 21 months now. I can honestly say that we are still in the learning phase of the toileting process. He is in cloth underpants during all his waking hours still, and in diapers for sleep. I can't say that I am happy to still be in the midst of this process, but I am not all that surprised either. He has been on a schedule of his own from day one.
Don't get me wrong, things have improved greatly. He now uses words to communicate his need to go, and he even tells us before it happens most times. There are many days, I would say about seven in ten days, that he is completely dry all day. That is to say that we make it to the potty on time every time. These days are usually days that we are not away from the house too much, and when we are out, he is able to use the potty in our van when needed. It really is as simple as getting him to the potty when he needs to go, or when I know he hasn't been in a while. Life often interrupts this simple plan. On the days where we miss the window and he goes in his pants it seems to start a vicious cycle that continues throughout the day. I am not sure why, but it seems like if the timing gets off, then we just can't get back on. It is strange to go from three dry days in a row to a TEN wet underpants day, strange and discouraging. So that is where we are at right now. We have many great days and the occasional terrible day. I am thankful that he is able to tell when he needs to go, and that he feels very comfortable using the potty in the van when we are out.
He is also working really hard this last few weeks on dressing and undressing himself, a crucial part of complete toilet learning. I make sure he wears loose, elastic waste pants that he can pull up and down himself, at least somewhat. He is really interested in practicing this skill and only asks for help when he has really tried hard himself. I am really proud of him and his progress; and I am proud of the rest of the family for the patience and perseverance that is required when toileting. I am sure that it will all just be a memory very soon, so for now I am trying to focus on positive side of it all. Like how many kisses and hugs and sweet words I get while I sit on the floor of the bathroom in front of the potty with my little guy! They really do grow up so fast!
Don't get me wrong, things have improved greatly. He now uses words to communicate his need to go, and he even tells us before it happens most times. There are many days, I would say about seven in ten days, that he is completely dry all day. That is to say that we make it to the potty on time every time. These days are usually days that we are not away from the house too much, and when we are out, he is able to use the potty in our van when needed. It really is as simple as getting him to the potty when he needs to go, or when I know he hasn't been in a while. Life often interrupts this simple plan. On the days where we miss the window and he goes in his pants it seems to start a vicious cycle that continues throughout the day. I am not sure why, but it seems like if the timing gets off, then we just can't get back on. It is strange to go from three dry days in a row to a TEN wet underpants day, strange and discouraging. So that is where we are at right now. We have many great days and the occasional terrible day. I am thankful that he is able to tell when he needs to go, and that he feels very comfortable using the potty in the van when we are out.
He is also working really hard this last few weeks on dressing and undressing himself, a crucial part of complete toilet learning. I make sure he wears loose, elastic waste pants that he can pull up and down himself, at least somewhat. He is really interested in practicing this skill and only asks for help when he has really tried hard himself. I am really proud of him and his progress; and I am proud of the rest of the family for the patience and perseverance that is required when toileting. I am sure that it will all just be a memory very soon, so for now I am trying to focus on positive side of it all. Like how many kisses and hugs and sweet words I get while I sit on the floor of the bathroom in front of the potty with my little guy! They really do grow up so fast!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Resolutions
It seams everyone is making compartmental resolutions this year. I found myself doing it after reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I picked six areas of my life that I will focus on and then pick one specific resolution to work on in each category each month. They will mostly be simple, achievable things that I feel will make myself and the people around me happier or healthier. I have to say healthier, because cutting refined sugar out of our diet this month has not made for very many happy remarks!
One of my areas of focus is Parenting. I will be focusing on one resolution each month that I feel will make me a better parent. Like all the others, these will be fairly easy to do, yet still very impactful. Each month I will share my resolutions and how they are working out. I have taken my ideas from books I have read, other parenting blogs, and my past experiences. Here is my list:
- Speak Softly
- Forgive AND Forget
- Act - Don't React
- Pick My Battles
- Take Care Of Me Too!
- Slow Down
- Play Together
- Create Together
- Avoid Nagging
- Do New Things Together
- Accentuate The Positive
- Give Them My Full Attention
There it is. I will blog about each resolution in detail while I am working on it. Feel free to join me on this journey to being a better parent.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Mirror
The final tool I will write about this year is Mirror. Perfect for the time of year that we are reflecting on the things that we have learned this past year. I am feeling a little sentimental that the year is ending and we will be all finished with our year of tools. But at the same time I am so thrilled with the experience I have had practicing all these tools and sharing them with all of you. It has been a great year for me personal as a parent, and for Positively Montessori. We have gained many new readers, and I am so happy to be reaching a greater audience. I got my Positively Montessori Faceboook page up and running this year too. This has been a great place to share articles that I come across as well as little bits and pieces of my daily interactions with my children. Thank you to everyone who had joined me on this journey. I hope that each of you have gained something that has made you a better parent or teacher.
The tool Mirror is another way for you to invite your children to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. The Tool Card says, : Telling children what you observe is often enough to motivate change." So instead of asking your child to pick her backpack on the floor you could say, "I notice your backpack is laying on the floor in the kitchen." By simply noticing something you give the child the opportunity to come up with a solution and take the course of action that she desires. This can also come in the form of feelings or emotions. "I notice you and your brother are getting upset with each other while trying to play with the new toys." An older child has the ability to take your observation and make a choice to play differently or choose something else to do, to settle or avoid the conflict.
When we keep what we tell them limited to a simple observation we show faith in them and their ability to find a solution. This is respectful to them and you. They are not constantly being told what to do, and you are not always giving orders.
The funny thing is that when you start using this tool, as with many others, your children will begin to use it too. One day my daughter came home from school and instead of telling me that I really need to remember her napkin and spoon in her lunchbox, she said "I noticed that there was no spoon or napkin in my lunch today, so I borrowed one from the school!" I almost laughed out loud when she said it, but then I felt pretty good. Not only had she learned an efficient way of communicating, but she also made me feel encouraged to remedy the problem right away. Where as if she had said, "Mom, you keep forgetting my spoon and napkin, can you please remember tomorrow?" I might not have felt quite a motivated to do something about it, instead I would have probably felt guilty about making the mistake, again!
All 52 Positive Discipline Tools that we practiced this year were helpful in some way. I feel like they have contributed to an atmosphere of respect and love in our home, and taught us all how better to treat others. Thank you again for coming along on this journey with me. I have some fun ideas in mind for the upcoming year and I hope you will stick around to continue learning, growing and laughing with me!
The tool Mirror is another way for you to invite your children to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. The Tool Card says, : Telling children what you observe is often enough to motivate change." So instead of asking your child to pick her backpack on the floor you could say, "I notice your backpack is laying on the floor in the kitchen." By simply noticing something you give the child the opportunity to come up with a solution and take the course of action that she desires. This can also come in the form of feelings or emotions. "I notice you and your brother are getting upset with each other while trying to play with the new toys." An older child has the ability to take your observation and make a choice to play differently or choose something else to do, to settle or avoid the conflict.
When we keep what we tell them limited to a simple observation we show faith in them and their ability to find a solution. This is respectful to them and you. They are not constantly being told what to do, and you are not always giving orders.
The funny thing is that when you start using this tool, as with many others, your children will begin to use it too. One day my daughter came home from school and instead of telling me that I really need to remember her napkin and spoon in her lunchbox, she said "I noticed that there was no spoon or napkin in my lunch today, so I borrowed one from the school!" I almost laughed out loud when she said it, but then I felt pretty good. Not only had she learned an efficient way of communicating, but she also made me feel encouraged to remedy the problem right away. Where as if she had said, "Mom, you keep forgetting my spoon and napkin, can you please remember tomorrow?" I might not have felt quite a motivated to do something about it, instead I would have probably felt guilty about making the mistake, again!
All 52 Positive Discipline Tools that we practiced this year were helpful in some way. I feel like they have contributed to an atmosphere of respect and love in our home, and taught us all how better to treat others. Thank you again for coming along on this journey with me. I have some fun ideas in mind for the upcoming year and I hope you will stick around to continue learning, growing and laughing with me!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Curiosity Questions
Curiosity Questions are yet another way we can empower our children. The Tool Card says, "Asking instead of telling invites children to think and choose."
Although this might not be the first thing way you go about addressing your children, it is a pretty easy thing to implement. While teaching Positive Discipline Parenting classes, I often find that parents respond well to this tool. They often ask me for copies of the examples that we use during the class. While I am happy to send out copies of my questions, I think they are pretty easy to come up with when you practice a little. Right before you tell your child to do something, pause and rephrase what you would like them to do into a question. For example: You see your child's shoes laying in the middle of the kitchen floor and you say, "What could you do with these shoes to make sure that nobody trips over them?"
Instead of constantly telling then what to do, you invite them to take responsibility for themselves and to come up with the plan to do it. Instead of telling them what to wear, ask them "It is going to be cold and rainy today, what could you wear to make sure you are warm?" You empower them to be in charge of themselves. Sometimes they might not make the same decision that you would. This is an opportunity for you to allow them to learn from their mistakes.
At our home we really like to ask our daughter what her plan is to get specific things done. When she comes home from school and spreads her homework out on the dining room table, often ask her what her plan is to get the table ready for dinner. Sometimes she will just start picking up, and other times she will tell me when and how she plans to take care of it. It really works!
However, you have to be careful with this as with all tools, nothing works all the time. This last week I explained this tool to my husband so that he could work with it too. He started using it A LOT. Yesterday, after hearing him ask yet another curiosity question, my daughter said, "Why do you keep asking me all these crazy questions? Can't you just tell me what you want me to do!" Hahaha! I had to laugh, then I thought about it, and realized that when we are trying too hard and not being genuin our children can tell.
I invite you to try this tool, just don't use it too much. Like I always say, "too much of anything, even a good thing, is bad."
Although this might not be the first thing way you go about addressing your children, it is a pretty easy thing to implement. While teaching Positive Discipline Parenting classes, I often find that parents respond well to this tool. They often ask me for copies of the examples that we use during the class. While I am happy to send out copies of my questions, I think they are pretty easy to come up with when you practice a little. Right before you tell your child to do something, pause and rephrase what you would like them to do into a question. For example: You see your child's shoes laying in the middle of the kitchen floor and you say, "What could you do with these shoes to make sure that nobody trips over them?"
Instead of constantly telling then what to do, you invite them to take responsibility for themselves and to come up with the plan to do it. Instead of telling them what to wear, ask them "It is going to be cold and rainy today, what could you wear to make sure you are warm?" You empower them to be in charge of themselves. Sometimes they might not make the same decision that you would. This is an opportunity for you to allow them to learn from their mistakes.
At our home we really like to ask our daughter what her plan is to get specific things done. When she comes home from school and spreads her homework out on the dining room table, often ask her what her plan is to get the table ready for dinner. Sometimes she will just start picking up, and other times she will tell me when and how she plans to take care of it. It really works!
However, you have to be careful with this as with all tools, nothing works all the time. This last week I explained this tool to my husband so that he could work with it too. He started using it A LOT. Yesterday, after hearing him ask yet another curiosity question, my daughter said, "Why do you keep asking me all these crazy questions? Can't you just tell me what you want me to do!" Hahaha! I had to laugh, then I thought about it, and realized that when we are trying too hard and not being genuin our children can tell.
I invite you to try this tool, just don't use it too much. Like I always say, "too much of anything, even a good thing, is bad."
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