One of my favorite tools to teach in parenting/teacher Positive Discipline classes is Encouragement vs. Praise. A close look at the difference between the two strategies and how to use them can be very eye opening for many people.
We live in a world that is FILLED with praise. There seems to be this idea that if we tell children how great they are all the time, then they will grow up to be great adults! We want to encourage our children, but instead we often end up praising them and robbing them of their accomplishment and self-worth.
Some people don't know the difference between Encouragement and Praise. Encouragement provides children with the opportunity to develop an "I am capable" perception. Praise creates approval junkies who only attempt things they know they will succeed at to avoid making mistakes or not receiving praise. Alfie Kohn writes about the importance of avoiding praise and rewards in many of his books, and this article. When we constantly cheer our children on, praise them at every turn, and tell them how good they are, we make them dependent on our approval and fearful of not getting it. I remember Jane Nelson saying that we should think of encouragement like water, something children need everyday, and Praise like candy, a treat that we only give every so often, knowing that it isn't really that good for them.
In my daughter's 1st grade class there are four separate reward systems that are built into the classroom "discipline" program. They get "terrific tickets" whenever they demonstrate the pillars of character that they are learning about. These tickets can be used to buy stuff like toys, books, and candy in the "terrific store". They have a marble jar, that gets marbles put in it any time the entire class does good. Whatever that means, I am not quite sure. When the jar is filled they get to have a pizza party. The children are seated in groups of five and each group gets points on the board when they are good. The group with the most points at the end of the week gets to go to the treasure chest and get a toy. There are also behavior cards that get moved from one color to another if they are not behaving as desired by the teacher. At the end of the week the children come home with a paper describing the status of their card all week. Parents are then encouraged to reward them for good weeks and address the alternative. They also get smiley faces and stars on classwork done correctly and stickers when they are good during their special classes. Parent volunteers are encouraged to tell the children that they are doing a "good job" and report back to the teacher when the children they are working with are "good"! No, I am not exaggerating. Oh how I wish I could explain the benefits of encouragement rather than praise to the entire staff at her school. It seems to be a school wide program, and it makes me cringe every time I hear about it.
According to Rudolph Driekers, encouragement recognizes the doer not the deed. Instead of "good boy", or "great job", a parent could say, "I see you put a lot of effort into that", or "wow, you must be proud of yourself." Jane Nelson outlines five questions you can ask yourself to discover whether you are being encouraging to your children. Allowing your children to self-evaluate, learn from their own mistakes, and feel pride in what they accomplish will go a long way toward helping them grow into self-confident adults.
Showing posts with label Jane Nelson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jane Nelson. Show all posts
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Letting Go!
Letting Go is a very simple tool, but seems to be very difficult for many parents. The card says "Letting go does not mean abandoning your child. It means allowing your child to learn responsibility and to feel capable." It is so funny how one mother's version of letting go seems like allowing her child to learn and grow while another mother would see it as neglect or lazy parenting.
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Empower
The tool card we worked with most recently was Empower Your Kids! When Jane Nelson shares this tool she does so in comparison with enabling your children, as in Empower vs. Enable. Which would you choose? Which are you currently doing? It is surprising to many parents when they discover that the things they do in the name of love or protection, are actually enabling their children. When you enable your children they get the message from you that they are not capable or competent. I am sure no parent would choose to give this message to their children, but without knowing we do it all the time.
One type of enabling that I see all the time is: Doing things for the child that he could do for herself. Parents love their children, and they think that the way they should show their love is by "helping" their children as much as possible. In Montessori we see this as one of the biggest obstacles that parents create for their children. Montessori said, "Any unnecessary help is a hinderance to development". Every time you do for a child what she could do herself, you might as well tell her aloud, "You are not capable of doing that, let me do if for you"! Of course parents would rarely say it in words, but their actions are saying it loud and clear to the child. By allowing your child to complete the task on his own to the best of his ability you empower her.
This form of empowerment starts at birth. As soon as the child is capable of doing something, you must let her. When the child is capable of digesting food, feed her solids. When she is able to grasp a spoon, let her do so in attempts to feed herself. No, all the food won't make it to her mouth, and you may need a second spoon to ensure that some of the food does make it in, but don't take that opportunity from her. This continues as they develop: drinking from a glass, crawling, walking, using the toilet, running, climbing, spending time away from you, all the way to driving, and eventually living alone!
Children must be allowed to do for themselves, and know that you are behind them, believing in them and supporting them from a distance. We can't constantly protect them, hover over them, make excuses for them, over protect them, and rescue them, and then expect them to be able to do things for themselves. When we enable them we break them down, and when we empower them we build them up!
You can start empowering your children today. Express your faith in them, work with them to find solutions to problems and teach life skills, try to step back and let go, a little bit at a time. When we let go and give children power over themselves they rise to the occasion. When they have to go behind our backs to use their power they often make undesirable choices. They will make mistakes when you empower them too, but they just need to be reminded that mistakes are wonderful opportunities for learning. Check out an older post on embracing mistakes. Children who are given the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them get stronger, smarter, and more confident in their ability to handle what life brings. That is what I want, children who grow up to be confident capable adults!
Next week: Motivation.
One type of enabling that I see all the time is: Doing things for the child that he could do for herself. Parents love their children, and they think that the way they should show their love is by "helping" their children as much as possible. In Montessori we see this as one of the biggest obstacles that parents create for their children. Montessori said, "Any unnecessary help is a hinderance to development". Every time you do for a child what she could do herself, you might as well tell her aloud, "You are not capable of doing that, let me do if for you"! Of course parents would rarely say it in words, but their actions are saying it loud and clear to the child. By allowing your child to complete the task on his own to the best of his ability you empower her.
This form of empowerment starts at birth. As soon as the child is capable of doing something, you must let her. When the child is capable of digesting food, feed her solids. When she is able to grasp a spoon, let her do so in attempts to feed herself. No, all the food won't make it to her mouth, and you may need a second spoon to ensure that some of the food does make it in, but don't take that opportunity from her. This continues as they develop: drinking from a glass, crawling, walking, using the toilet, running, climbing, spending time away from you, all the way to driving, and eventually living alone!
Children must be allowed to do for themselves, and know that you are behind them, believing in them and supporting them from a distance. We can't constantly protect them, hover over them, make excuses for them, over protect them, and rescue them, and then expect them to be able to do things for themselves. When we enable them we break them down, and when we empower them we build them up!
You can start empowering your children today. Express your faith in them, work with them to find solutions to problems and teach life skills, try to step back and let go, a little bit at a time. When we let go and give children power over themselves they rise to the occasion. When they have to go behind our backs to use their power they often make undesirable choices. They will make mistakes when you empower them too, but they just need to be reminded that mistakes are wonderful opportunities for learning. Check out an older post on embracing mistakes. Children who are given the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them get stronger, smarter, and more confident in their ability to handle what life brings. That is what I want, children who grow up to be confident capable adults!
Next week: Motivation.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Five Criteria for Positive Discipline
There are five criteria that effective discipline methods must meet. Positive Discipline:
1. Is kind and firm at the same time.
2. Creates a sense of belonging and significance.
3. Is effective long-term.
4. Teaches valuable social and life skills.
5. Teaches children to use their power constructively and to discover they are capable.
If you can honestly look at what you are doing with your children in the form of discipline and say that it meets all five of these criteria then you are doing great. If you can say that it meets them even half the time, then in my opinion you are still doing pretty good.
Kindness and firmness are an underlying theme in Positive Discipline and Montessori. I will be discussing them in greater detail in a few weeks from now. For now just think of kind and firm as sticking to your guns with a smile on your face and in your tone of voice, and less in the good cop bad cop way.
Belogning and significance are what Alfred Adler and Rudolph Dreikers found that all people, especially children, are looking for. Jane Nelson then goes on to say that when children don't get belonging and significance from the family, they are more likely to go looking for it the wrong way. When they do this, the behaviors that we observe are often called misbehavior.
Discipline that is effective long term, teaches instead of punishes. Rather than making children feel bad, positive discipline aims to make them feel better, so that they will do better.
Through Positive Discipline we aim to teach our children valuable social and life skills, like how to communicate, problem-solve, and to feel capable and self confident.
By teaching children to be independent, capable problem solvers, we enable them to use their personal power constructively. Adolescents and young adults are filled with energy and power and they are capable of doing so much, good or bad. It is essential for parents and teachers to help them to use this power to contribute to their family, community and world.
I hope this was a helpful overview of the Five Criteria of Positive Discipline!
Next week we will work with the tool: Empowering Children.
1. Is kind and firm at the same time.
2. Creates a sense of belonging and significance.
3. Is effective long-term.
4. Teaches valuable social and life skills.
5. Teaches children to use their power constructively and to discover they are capable.
If you can honestly look at what you are doing with your children in the form of discipline and say that it meets all five of these criteria then you are doing great. If you can say that it meets them even half the time, then in my opinion you are still doing pretty good.
Kindness and firmness are an underlying theme in Positive Discipline and Montessori. I will be discussing them in greater detail in a few weeks from now. For now just think of kind and firm as sticking to your guns with a smile on your face and in your tone of voice, and less in the good cop bad cop way.
Belogning and significance are what Alfred Adler and Rudolph Dreikers found that all people, especially children, are looking for. Jane Nelson then goes on to say that when children don't get belonging and significance from the family, they are more likely to go looking for it the wrong way. When they do this, the behaviors that we observe are often called misbehavior.
Discipline that is effective long term, teaches instead of punishes. Rather than making children feel bad, positive discipline aims to make them feel better, so that they will do better.
Through Positive Discipline we aim to teach our children valuable social and life skills, like how to communicate, problem-solve, and to feel capable and self confident.
By teaching children to be independent, capable problem solvers, we enable them to use their personal power constructively. Adolescents and young adults are filled with energy and power and they are capable of doing so much, good or bad. It is essential for parents and teachers to help them to use this power to contribute to their family, community and world.
I hope this was a helpful overview of the Five Criteria of Positive Discipline!
Next week we will work with the tool: Empowering Children.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Distract and Redirect
This week's tool really is more than just a tool. It is a way of life when you have a toddler in your life. Fortunately for you all, I got to practice it at least 1000 times just this week, so I have a ton of first hand experience to speak from. The tool is Distract and Redirect, and unless you enjoy yelling and constantly saying "NO" and "STOP", then you ought to at least give this one a try.
The idea is simple, instead of saying "no" or telling your child to "stop", you simply steer them toward an activity that you find more acceptable. Instead of telling your child to stop banging on the t.v. with his ball you invite him to a hammering toy. Or my favorite, when my son is struggling against me as I try to put him into the car seat, I offer him a book or snack to distract him while I buckle him in.
Toddlers and babies under the age of two don't fully understand the meaning of the word no. They may understand that you don't want them to do what they are doing, but that is the extent of it. Montessori speaks of young children being lead by their inner teacher. This teacher encourages them to do the things that they need to do to create themselves. As your child goes through the various sensitive periods (periods of intense interest in one area), their inner teacher guides them to the activities that will best fulfill their current interests. When a child is "misbehaving" (according to you) and you tell them no, they have no desire or interest to follow your instruction because their inner teacher is much louder (and more fun) than you at that moment. Your "no" may even be an obsta
It comes back to the foundation of the Montessori philosophy: Observation. Maria Montessori developed her theories on the development of children by simply observing them. To observe a child is to silently watch the actions of your child. Without judgement or critique you must learn to look beyond your ideas of what they should be doing and see what they are doing. That is the only way that you can meet the needs of your child.
Once you have spent time observing you will know the current needs and interests of your child. If she is constantly pushing furniture or the laundry basket around the house, then she is trying to coordinate her gross motor movements. She needs to be given an open space and a push cart or such toy to use freely until the interest has been satisfied and the skill attained. Instead of telling her no and taking away the item she is pushing you give her an acceptable option for performing the activity of her choice.
Recently, my son has been taking our things from around the house and putting them places they don't belong. I find my husbands socks in my purse, my daughters library books in the laundry basket and bath toys in the toilet. This is an exasperating activity to all the members of my household except my son. He clearly has an interest in transferring objects. To meet this need I filled one drawer in the kitchen with extra kitchen items that are safe for him to handle and I leave out a reusable grocery bag. He has spent many hours transferring the things from drawer to bad and back. We also made him a new activity called a mystery bag. It is a small bag with a draw string that you can't see through. Inside are many different objects that he can feel with his hands, then pull out to discover what they are. As he takes them out he puts them in the basket that we keep the bag in on the shelf. He really enjoys this, but I do continue to find new items in there regularly. I guess it is a mystery bag for all of us!
The next time you find your child doing something that you would rather he didn't do, instead of saying "no" and stopping his behavior invite him to do something else. If possible, make it something that will meet his needs and yours.
Even if you can't redirect to a related activity, this tool is still effective. There are certain things in life that we just have to do, even if we don't like them. By distracting your child at theses moments you can make things go a lot more smoothly for both of you. We use the "cleaning monster" in our house to wash our son's face after meals. After he has had a turn cleaning his face, the cleaning monster comes along with a silly sound and cleans up the rest. The job gets done and everyone is a lot happier. My almost six year old still loves to race to get our p.j.'s on or put our laundry away the fastest. A boring task becomes a fun game. We are not taking away from the lesson, "Like it or, it has to be done", instead we are teaching our to find the joy in an unwelcome situation. Don't we all need a little distraction every now and then!
Next week's tool is: Decide What You Will Do.
The idea is simple, instead of saying "no" or telling your child to "stop", you simply steer them toward an activity that you find more acceptable. Instead of telling your child to stop banging on the t.v. with his ball you invite him to a hammering toy. Or my favorite, when my son is struggling against me as I try to put him into the car seat, I offer him a book or snack to distract him while I buckle him in.
Toddlers and babies under the age of two don't fully understand the meaning of the word no. They may understand that you don't want them to do what they are doing, but that is the extent of it. Montessori speaks of young children being lead by their inner teacher. This teacher encourages them to do the things that they need to do to create themselves. As your child goes through the various sensitive periods (periods of intense interest in one area), their inner teacher guides them to the activities that will best fulfill their current interests. When a child is "misbehaving" (according to you) and you tell them no, they have no desire or interest to follow your instruction because their inner teacher is much louder (and more fun) than you at that moment. Your "no" may even be an obsta
It comes back to the foundation of the Montessori philosophy: Observation. Maria Montessori developed her theories on the development of children by simply observing them. To observe a child is to silently watch the actions of your child. Without judgement or critique you must learn to look beyond your ideas of what they should be doing and see what they are doing. That is the only way that you can meet the needs of your child.
Once you have spent time observing you will know the current needs and interests of your child. If she is constantly pushing furniture or the laundry basket around the house, then she is trying to coordinate her gross motor movements. She needs to be given an open space and a push cart or such toy to use freely until the interest has been satisfied and the skill attained. Instead of telling her no and taking away the item she is pushing you give her an acceptable option for performing the activity of her choice.
Recently, my son has been taking our things from around the house and putting them places they don't belong. I find my husbands socks in my purse, my daughters library books in the laundry basket and bath toys in the toilet. This is an exasperating activity to all the members of my household except my son. He clearly has an interest in transferring objects. To meet this need I filled one drawer in the kitchen with extra kitchen items that are safe for him to handle and I leave out a reusable grocery bag. He has spent many hours transferring the things from drawer to bad and back. We also made him a new activity called a mystery bag. It is a small bag with a draw string that you can't see through. Inside are many different objects that he can feel with his hands, then pull out to discover what they are. As he takes them out he puts them in the basket that we keep the bag in on the shelf. He really enjoys this, but I do continue to find new items in there regularly. I guess it is a mystery bag for all of us!
The next time you find your child doing something that you would rather he didn't do, instead of saying "no" and stopping his behavior invite him to do something else. If possible, make it something that will meet his needs and yours.
Even if you can't redirect to a related activity, this tool is still effective. There are certain things in life that we just have to do, even if we don't like them. By distracting your child at theses moments you can make things go a lot more smoothly for both of you. We use the "cleaning monster" in our house to wash our son's face after meals. After he has had a turn cleaning his face, the cleaning monster comes along with a silly sound and cleans up the rest. The job gets done and everyone is a lot happier. My almost six year old still loves to race to get our p.j.'s on or put our laundry away the fastest. A boring task becomes a fun game. We are not taking away from the lesson, "Like it or, it has to be done", instead we are teaching our to find the joy in an unwelcome situation. Don't we all need a little distraction every now and then!
Next week's tool is: Decide What You Will Do.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Winning Cooperation
Winning Cooperation, another tool in the Positive Discipline tool box. In the dictionary it says that cooperation is the process of working or acting together. It says in its simplest form it involves things working in harmony... Ah, working together, in harmony? Doesn't that sound like the kind of parenting you want? I think it is essential for children and parents to cooperate with each other to maintain a peaceful home. To coexist in a way that encourages instead of discourages growth, development and love.
The Winning Cooperation Tool Card says Children feel encouraged when you understand and respect their point of view. It says that after you have showed empathy and understanding for the child's feelings, you can share your thoughts, feelings and similar experiences. After sharing feelings, and making a connection with your child, the two of you can focus on solutions together.
We know that we want cooperation, and now we know a way to work toward it. I think we should also look at this from a Montessori perspective. In the Montessori classroom we are constantly striving to give the children independence. One aspect of being independent is the ability to solve problems or conflicts on your own. Children are not born with this skill, it is something that they learn from doing and watching. As with all the other lessons in the classroom, we model how to interact and solve problems by working with the children to find solutions. Teachers benefit from taking time to win cooperation before modeling the problem solving. Eventually children begin to negotiate problems on their own, and they can often be observed working to win cooperation from their peers before attempting to solve their problems. Remember, children from birth to six, have absorbant minds. Everything we model for them they take in and use again. Make your interactions count!
Next weeks we will work on: Distract and Redirect.
The Winning Cooperation Tool Card says Children feel encouraged when you understand and respect their point of view. It says that after you have showed empathy and understanding for the child's feelings, you can share your thoughts, feelings and similar experiences. After sharing feelings, and making a connection with your child, the two of you can focus on solutions together.
We know that we want cooperation, and now we know a way to work toward it. I think we should also look at this from a Montessori perspective. In the Montessori classroom we are constantly striving to give the children independence. One aspect of being independent is the ability to solve problems or conflicts on your own. Children are not born with this skill, it is something that they learn from doing and watching. As with all the other lessons in the classroom, we model how to interact and solve problems by working with the children to find solutions. Teachers benefit from taking time to win cooperation before modeling the problem solving. Eventually children begin to negotiate problems on their own, and they can often be observed working to win cooperation from their peers before attempting to solve their problems. Remember, children from birth to six, have absorbant minds. Everything we model for them they take in and use again. Make your interactions count!
Next weeks we will work on: Distract and Redirect.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Back Talk
This week's tool card was: Back Talk. The card says that when you respond to your child's back talk with more talk you create a power struggle. Remember last week we talked about the brain, and how sometimes we lose control of our emotions, we flip our lids and respond with our non-thinking brains. Another important thing to know is that we all have mirror neurons in our brains. These neurons are great from a Montessori perspective. We give "lessons" to children in the Montessori classroom by performing the action while the child observes, their mirror neurons pick it up and then they get the opportunity to repeat the exercise as many times as they like until they have mastered the skill involved. The negative side of these neurons is that they sometimes cause us to repeat negative behaviors that we observe.
A frequently occurring example of this happens in my home. My husbands asks our five year old to sit down on her bottom while she is eating. She sits for a minute and then is back up on her knees or feet moving around. He asks her again, this time a little frustrated, so he adds in an annoyed explanation as to why she should sit while eating. Her mirror neurons react and she responds with an annoyed, "I AM sitting down". When of course she wasn't. His mirror neurons fire and he responds with, "no you weren't, I just saw you hoping around on the bench". This goes on and on for a while, until one of them flips their lid and either something gets spilled or broken or someone says something they don't mean. It is a definite power struggle that no one wins! It isn't always my husband that gets sucked into these situations either.
We have really been working on the suggestions on the card. We have been trying to validate her feelings, acknowledging how she feels often is enough to stop the cycle. We also try to take responsibility for our part in the argument. If the situation continues to escalate we try to take some time to cool down so that we can be respectful of each other. This is something we get to work on together very often. Hopefully, we will master this tool very soon!
Next week we will work with Winning Cooperation.
A frequently occurring example of this happens in my home. My husbands asks our five year old to sit down on her bottom while she is eating. She sits for a minute and then is back up on her knees or feet moving around. He asks her again, this time a little frustrated, so he adds in an annoyed explanation as to why she should sit while eating. Her mirror neurons react and she responds with an annoyed, "I AM sitting down". When of course she wasn't. His mirror neurons fire and he responds with, "no you weren't, I just saw you hoping around on the bench". This goes on and on for a while, until one of them flips their lid and either something gets spilled or broken or someone says something they don't mean. It is a definite power struggle that no one wins! It isn't always my husband that gets sucked into these situations either.
We have really been working on the suggestions on the card. We have been trying to validate her feelings, acknowledging how she feels often is enough to stop the cycle. We also try to take responsibility for our part in the argument. If the situation continues to escalate we try to take some time to cool down so that we can be respectful of each other. This is something we get to work on together very often. Hopefully, we will master this tool very soon!
Next week we will work with Winning Cooperation.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Understanding the Brain
Understanding the Brain is a crucial part of being a good parent. Jane Nelson uses a model of the brain, called Brain in the Palm of Your Hand from Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell's book Parenting From the Inside Out to explain the brain to parents and teacher in her Positive Discipline Courses. Basically, when we get frustrated or angry or irritated we react to the situation in a fight or flight mode, not a rational mode. Our emotions become uncontrolled and our thinking goes out the window. This is what they refer to as flipping our lid. The Positive Discipline parenting tool card explains why and how to deal with a flipped lid. Instead of reacting to something with fight or flight we need to WAIT. When either person has a flipped lid problems can't be solved and people need time to cool off and access the rational part of our brain. Taking a positive time-out or putting the problem on a family meeting agenda will allow time to cool off.
I think this tool is important in so many ways. Parents and children need to understand that when we flip our lids we don't make the best decisions, and that it is possible to regain that control by cooling off. Not only is this a good thing to know about ourselves, but other people as well. When people flip their lids they lose control. It is not anyone else's fault. Children who understand this will not only feel confident in their own ability to get back to calm and after flipping their lid, but they also won't feel responsible for upsetting a parent who has flipped their lid.
Understanding the possibility of the flipped lid and the ability to recover from it is the first step. Once that has happened an apology might be necessary if your flipped lid caused you to do or say hurtful things to someone else. Another important follow up would be to take a look at what happened right before your flipped your lid. Was there a certain feeling, or thought? If so, these can be used as cues the next time a flip is coming and you can use them to stop yourself from going over the edge.
I have an amazingly easy lid to flip, and I think I have passed it on to my daughter. We work together to avoid flipping our lids, but we also have to be very careful that we do not allow one flipped lid to cause another. We both like to take time-outs and ask for hugs when we feel a lose of control coming on. I know that it is not fun to be the person who has a flipped lid or the observer. Both feels bad. Even more reason to try to work really hard to avoid getting to that point and to teach your children ways to calm down before they get to that point as well.
Next week I will talk about: Back Talk.
I think this tool is important in so many ways. Parents and children need to understand that when we flip our lids we don't make the best decisions, and that it is possible to regain that control by cooling off. Not only is this a good thing to know about ourselves, but other people as well. When people flip their lids they lose control. It is not anyone else's fault. Children who understand this will not only feel confident in their own ability to get back to calm and after flipping their lid, but they also won't feel responsible for upsetting a parent who has flipped their lid.
Understanding the possibility of the flipped lid and the ability to recover from it is the first step. Once that has happened an apology might be necessary if your flipped lid caused you to do or say hurtful things to someone else. Another important follow up would be to take a look at what happened right before your flipped your lid. Was there a certain feeling, or thought? If so, these can be used as cues the next time a flip is coming and you can use them to stop yourself from going over the edge.
I have an amazingly easy lid to flip, and I think I have passed it on to my daughter. We work together to avoid flipping our lids, but we also have to be very careful that we do not allow one flipped lid to cause another. We both like to take time-outs and ask for hugs when we feel a lose of control coming on. I know that it is not fun to be the person who has a flipped lid or the observer. Both feels bad. Even more reason to try to work really hard to avoid getting to that point and to teach your children ways to calm down before they get to that point as well.
Next week I will talk about: Back Talk.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Act Without Words
This week we focused on the parenting tool - Act Without Words. Honestly, this is something I have forgotten all about. I say way too much when dealing with my children. I find myself talking and talking and talking as they walk away and have moved on from the incident. How silly. What a waste of breath and happy times when I drag things out longer than need be. I remember when my daughter was around two years old. It was clear that long explanations were not only not productive, but really not beneficial in any way. As she got older, and her language awareness and vocabulary has increased immensely, I began using more and more words to explain things to her. This is a good thing when she is asking "why it rains" or "where bacon comes from", but when she needs to stop climbing on the arm of the couch it isn't always necessary to explain what is inside the couch and what it is designed for and why it is called the arm of the couch, etc...
Sometimes a clear request of what I would like her to do is all that she needs to hear. I think this is especially helpful to a little girl who is very sensitive to being told to stop doing something or even to be careful while doing something. Sometimes my explanation goes on for so long that she actually tells me, "I know, I know, why are you still telling me?", hahaha! I should take a clue from that I guess.
Jane Nelson reminds us that you can only use little or no words at all once your child knows what is expected of her/him. She gives the example of siblings fighting in the car frequently. At a moment of calm before they go in the car she explains to them that when they fight in the car it is really hard for her to drives safely. She warns them before that she will bring a book along on their next trip and simply pull over if they begin to fight. She says she will not drive again until they are both clam enough to tell her that they are finished fighting and ready to drive quietly. When they begin fighting in the car on the next drive, she pulls over and silently starts to read her book. She does not say a word and quickly the children realize what is happening and stop fighting and agree to ride in peace. I have told my story of using this technique with my daughter in my Natural Consequences post. Read it if you are up for a chuckle.
Less is more when it comes to words with children. That should be easier too. I will work on it!
Next week we will work on Understanding The Brain, yippee! It will be fun, I promise!
Sometimes a clear request of what I would like her to do is all that she needs to hear. I think this is especially helpful to a little girl who is very sensitive to being told to stop doing something or even to be careful while doing something. Sometimes my explanation goes on for so long that she actually tells me, "I know, I know, why are you still telling me?", hahaha! I should take a clue from that I guess.
Jane Nelson reminds us that you can only use little or no words at all once your child knows what is expected of her/him. She gives the example of siblings fighting in the car frequently. At a moment of calm before they go in the car she explains to them that when they fight in the car it is really hard for her to drives safely. She warns them before that she will bring a book along on their next trip and simply pull over if they begin to fight. She says she will not drive again until they are both clam enough to tell her that they are finished fighting and ready to drive quietly. When they begin fighting in the car on the next drive, she pulls over and silently starts to read her book. She does not say a word and quickly the children realize what is happening and stop fighting and agree to ride in peace. I have told my story of using this technique with my daughter in my Natural Consequences post. Read it if you are up for a chuckle.
Less is more when it comes to words with children. That should be easier too. I will work on it!
Next week we will work on Understanding The Brain, yippee! It will be fun, I promise!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Wheel of Choice
This weeks tool: The Wheel of Choice is an actual physical tool that puts many of the other Positive Discipline Tools together. It is a hands on approach to giving children the power of choice. Basically it is an actual wheel, much like a board game spinner, that is divided into options for your child to choose when has lost control of themselves in their current situation. There are 14 different problem solving choices that can be taught to children in your home or in a classroom. Just like the Montessori concept, "knowledge precedes choice", once children have knowledge of each choice they can use this information to solve their own problems.
A few of may favorite choices are: Ask for help, Count to ten, Say what you want, and Try again. These don't really need much explanation, but take a moment to think about how powerful they can be to a child who has flipped his lid.
I have not gotten around to setting this up yet in my home. We have done the training and have an arsenal tools we could put on our own wheel. I am sure this could help with some of the heightened emotions that have been in our home since the introduction of our second child. I really should get to this... I will let you know when I do and how it goes, I promise.
Next week: Act without words, I'll say no more...
A few of may favorite choices are: Ask for help, Count to ten, Say what you want, and Try again. These don't really need much explanation, but take a moment to think about how powerful they can be to a child who has flipped his lid.
I have not gotten around to setting this up yet in my home. We have done the training and have an arsenal tools we could put on our own wheel. I am sure this could help with some of the heightened emotions that have been in our home since the introduction of our second child. I really should get to this... I will let you know when I do and how it goes, I promise.
Next week: Act without words, I'll say no more...
Friday, June 8, 2012
Allowances
Allowances is on of the Positive Discipline parenting tools that almost every family has tried or at least considered. The Positive Discipline way of doing allowances is to give an amount of money to the child each week that is only dependent on your budget and expectations of what the child is to use the money for. The money is given to the child as their share of the family's money, and it is not given as a payment for doing chores. Chores are a part of living and as adults we don't get paid for keeping our house clean and chores done. I discussed this idea more in my Jobs entry. The allowance money is the child's in every sense and you have to let your child take responsibility for the money and learn from their spending/losing mistakes. Jane Nelson says that we should show empathy, but avoid rescuing children from these mistake.
In our house we started giving allowance when our daughter turned four. We give her $5/week. That is her money, for her to do what she wants with. With that she also gained the responsibility of buying her own non-essential things. For the first year she just stashed the money in a piggy bank and watched it add up. Occasionally she would ask us if she could get something when we were out shopping and we would ask her if she brought her money with her. If not, then she wouldn't be able to get anything. We then got in the habit of reminding her that she might want to bring her money when we went out. This works so well for avoiding those in store arguments/pleas for toys, etc. By the holiday season the first year of allowance she was able to purchase small gifts for our immediate family with her own money. She was very proud of that. She continued to save her allowance, tooth fairy money and gift money for the remainder of the year. By her fifth birthday she had saved enough money to buy an American Girl Doll! We took her to THE store and she picked out just the doll she wanted. She was so excited to pay with her money.
That was about the time that I thought that there may need to be a little more direction/teaching with the allowance she was getting. We started by reading a book called Give A Goat. It is about a class who raises the money to buy a goat through Heifer International for an impoverished family in Uganda. The story really interested my daughter, so we next checked out the Heifer website. That is where we found this video, for children, about buying animals for people who are less fortunate. The video sealed the deal, and Isabel was then determined to buy a water buffalo for a less fortunate family.
We got three big jars and made labels: Spend, Save, Give! We talked about why it is good to save a portion of our money for things don't already know we will need. We have a portion for spending as we wish and the rest for giving, as in buying a water buffalo. Now she divides the money: $2-saving, $2-giving, and $1-spending. Next month she is planning a a lemonade stand; she will put all her earnings from that into the give jar!
Allowances can teach so many things to a child. They valuable and necessary parenting tool. Next we will try HUGS!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Put Kids In The Same Boat
This week, as I read the tool card and Jane Nelson's post on Put Kids In The Same Boat, I had an EPIPHANY! This is one tool I was not only forgetting, but I don't think I had even thought of it once since our second child was born.
Put kids in the same boat means to treat them equally when you respond to an incident that involves both of them. It says to give both or all kids involved the same choices for dealing with the problem and then you have to have faith in them and leave them to deal with it according to the choice they made.
In our house we have a mild mannered five year old girl and a very active one year old boy. The boy is known for slapping, pinching, biting and scratching, all in very affectionate ways of course! He often gets excited or upset or something and manages to inflict pain on anyone nearby. We generally respond by asking the baby to be gentle and show us how he can be gentle and asking his sister if she is ok. Lately this has actually started to work since we started teaching him how to be gentle at times when he wasn't already in action. We never really thought about how these interactions were affecting our daughter. After reading Jane's blog I realized that we are totally making our daughter out to be the victim. That is not something we wanted or intended to do.
The next time the opportunity arose we responded by telling them both that if they couldn't play nicely together in the living room, then we would have to find places in our house for them to play separately. I could see the shock on my daughters face, and she instantly blamed him for hurting her - playing the victim as we taught her :( I told her that it makes me very sad to see either of them get hurt and that I was going to take him to his room to play alone and then she could go to her room to play alone until they were ready to play together nicely. After a few minutes in their respective rooms she came out and said she wanted to to play with him nicely. Whew, it seemed to work. I am not sure that the baby got much out of it, but at least he wasn't made to be the bully!
I can see this being a very effective tool, and I plan to keep it in my tool box from now on!
Next week we will work on: Allowances! Perfect timing for us as we have been working on learning about money around here lately!!!
Put kids in the same boat means to treat them equally when you respond to an incident that involves both of them. It says to give both or all kids involved the same choices for dealing with the problem and then you have to have faith in them and leave them to deal with it according to the choice they made.
In our house we have a mild mannered five year old girl and a very active one year old boy. The boy is known for slapping, pinching, biting and scratching, all in very affectionate ways of course! He often gets excited or upset or something and manages to inflict pain on anyone nearby. We generally respond by asking the baby to be gentle and show us how he can be gentle and asking his sister if she is ok. Lately this has actually started to work since we started teaching him how to be gentle at times when he wasn't already in action. We never really thought about how these interactions were affecting our daughter. After reading Jane's blog I realized that we are totally making our daughter out to be the victim. That is not something we wanted or intended to do.
The next time the opportunity arose we responded by telling them both that if they couldn't play nicely together in the living room, then we would have to find places in our house for them to play separately. I could see the shock on my daughters face, and she instantly blamed him for hurting her - playing the victim as we taught her :( I told her that it makes me very sad to see either of them get hurt and that I was going to take him to his room to play alone and then she could go to her room to play alone until they were ready to play together nicely. After a few minutes in their respective rooms she came out and said she wanted to to play with him nicely. Whew, it seemed to work. I am not sure that the baby got much out of it, but at least he wasn't made to be the bully!
I can see this being a very effective tool, and I plan to keep it in my tool box from now on!
Next week we will work on: Allowances! Perfect timing for us as we have been working on learning about money around here lately!!!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Family Meetings
This weeks Parenting Tool is: Family Meetings
I have to say, this is the tool I have the least experience with. I have never actually been a part of a real family meeting Positive Discipline style. To start the week I read about Family Meetings in my PD book. Then I went onto the PD website and downloaded the Family Meeting Album. Finally I read Jane Nelson's Family Meeting Training Plan. Once I was armed with knowledge and printouts I decided on a day for our first meeting and announced it to my family!
Our first meeting was tonight. After we had dinner and put the baby to bed we gathered in the living room. Following the Training Plan we started by talking about what family meetings are, why they can be helpful, the 5 components of the family meeting(compliments, agenda, brainstorming solutions, planning family fun, and a fun family activity) and the three jobs (Chairperson, recorder, and timekeeper). Then we went over what an agenda is, remember we are just three people, me, my husband, and our 5 year old daughter. We then talked about some ideas that could be agenda items and we practiced brainstorming solutions. We ended by talking about what compliments are and planned to start with them next week. After our meeting our chosen family fun activity was playing doll house. I am sure you can guess who suggested that idea!
This first meeting when great! It felt good to know we were starting something that would really add strength to our family. Our daughter was excited to try different jobs and to plan fun events for the future. She even came up with a possible agenda item as we were playing after the meeting. She claims that she always finds our bathroom light left on and "that is not good for the environment", so she is going to put that on the agenda. I have a feeling we may end up with a really long agenda this next week. Hmmm, I wonder what we'll do then? Maybe we pick the top three items, each of us choose the one most important to us? We will try that for now! I will try to report back once we really get into the true meetings to let you know how we are doing and how they are affecting or family.
Next weeks tool is: Compliments. Oh, that will coincide perfectly with our next family meeting!
I have to say, this is the tool I have the least experience with. I have never actually been a part of a real family meeting Positive Discipline style. To start the week I read about Family Meetings in my PD book. Then I went onto the PD website and downloaded the Family Meeting Album. Finally I read Jane Nelson's Family Meeting Training Plan. Once I was armed with knowledge and printouts I decided on a day for our first meeting and announced it to my family!
Our first meeting was tonight. After we had dinner and put the baby to bed we gathered in the living room. Following the Training Plan we started by talking about what family meetings are, why they can be helpful, the 5 components of the family meeting(compliments, agenda, brainstorming solutions, planning family fun, and a fun family activity) and the three jobs (Chairperson, recorder, and timekeeper). Then we went over what an agenda is, remember we are just three people, me, my husband, and our 5 year old daughter. We then talked about some ideas that could be agenda items and we practiced brainstorming solutions. We ended by talking about what compliments are and planned to start with them next week. After our meeting our chosen family fun activity was playing doll house. I am sure you can guess who suggested that idea!
This first meeting when great! It felt good to know we were starting something that would really add strength to our family. Our daughter was excited to try different jobs and to plan fun events for the future. She even came up with a possible agenda item as we were playing after the meeting. She claims that she always finds our bathroom light left on and "that is not good for the environment", so she is going to put that on the agenda. I have a feeling we may end up with a really long agenda this next week. Hmmm, I wonder what we'll do then? Maybe we pick the top three items, each of us choose the one most important to us? We will try that for now! I will try to report back once we really get into the true meetings to let you know how we are doing and how they are affecting or family.
Next weeks tool is: Compliments. Oh, that will coincide perfectly with our next family meeting!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
52 Positive Discipline Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks
I am going to embark on a new adventure in Positive Discipline starting this week! It is a challenge to try to implement the 52 parenting tools from the Deck of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools Cards. I have used these cards in the past for a quick reminder or inspiration or as a discussion starter with parent groups. They are fun, to the point and full of good ideas! If you want to follow along with me on this adventure, you can get the cards from the Positive Discipline website. In addition, Jane Nelson, will be advising a couple other willing participants through her blog.
As with any adventure, I am very excited to get started with this! I hope to stay on top of it and blog about each of the tools throughout the year. I will also try to tie Montessori ideas into my posts when applicable!
Here is a list of the tools that we will explore this year:
Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Five Criteria
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Win/Win Solutions
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Internal vs. External Discipline
I was in the grocery store the other day as was a mother with her two children. The children were running through the store, screaming, and knocking things over! As I approached a couple in the next isle over I overheard one of them saying, "that lady needs to discipline her kids". And by discipline she meant punish. I could tell by the look on her face and the tone of her voice that she wasn't saying that mom needed to teach her children something.
As you can see, from the Montessori perspective, discipline is very different than the traditional perspective which is found in most schools and homes. The distinction is found between the two "types" of discipline, internal and external.
Internal discipline is one of the desired results of Montessori education. It is behavior that is driven by the self and comes from within. Montessori believed that the way for children to find the path of internal discipline was for them to have freedom to make choices for themselves following their inner teacher. This freedom does not mean that the children can do whatever they want. Freedom comes with limits; the greater interest of the group comes first and knowledge precedes choice. The children are given lessons, knowledge, on how to use the materials in the classroom and then they have the freedom to choose the materials that call to them each day. They then work independently, learning concepts from the materials. When the child is independent they are allowed to find inner discipline instead of having to look for it elsewhere. Basically, if you constantly tell a child what to do and what not to do, then they never have the opportunity to make those decisions on their own. They will forever be dependent on other people to tell them what to do. They are dependent on an external source for discipline.
These children who are constantly told what to do may "behave" very well, they are a positive example of external discipline. Others don't fare as well. If the only thing you want is for your child to behave, then external discipline might be the answer for you. In fact, this is very common and traditional in our society. One of the most famous, or largest, examples of this is the military. Many parents encourage their children to join the military because they want them to learn discipline. Do they learn discipline from someone constantly directing their every behavior? I guess it is a matter of opinion! If they are taught "good" habits and they continue with these behaviors after they leave the military then they have a sense of internal discipline, but if they get out and can't make good choices, one might say that they didn't learn discipline at all. The message is that discipline should teach not punish. Jane Nelson, author of the Positive Discipline series of books, say that for discipline to be effective it must empower children to make good choices for themselves. She stresses that you don't have to make children feel bad to do better. We need to teach children what to do, instead of constantly telling them what not to do!
Just think, if the lady in the grocery store had taken time before her shopping trip to teach her children how to behave in that setting everyone might have had a more peaceful experience, including the children!
Just think, if the lady in the grocery store had taken time before her shopping trip to teach her children how to behave in that setting everyone might have had a more peaceful experience, including the children!
Monday, July 25, 2011
An Overview of Positive Discipline
Positive Discipline is a methodology based on the scientific/psychological work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and developed by Dr. Jane Nelson. The main goal of the program is to teach children to be responsible and respectful of themselves and their community. The idea is to allow children to learn from their experiences. It is always respectful of the child and encouraging. When teaching, Jane Nelson alway reminds us that "children do better when the feel better". It is not punitive in any way.
Parents/teachers and children work together to develop a plan for reaching a goal. That goal may be to get chores or home work done or to stop hitting a sibling. Really it can be any issue that needs a solution. Once a mutually agreed upon plan is constructed, parents/teachers must be very consistent to do what they have said they would do. In the Parenting with Positive Discipline Training, there is an experiential activity, as this is the way all the skills are taught to parents/teachers, to teach this idea of following through. The "Parent" tells the two young "siblings" that he/she can't safely drive if they are fighting in the back seat. He/she explains that she will bring a book in the car, and the next time they have something they have to fight about, he/she will simply pull the car over to the side of the road and read his/her book until they are finished. He/she will know they are finished when they are quiet and calmly tell him/her they are ready to continue the trip. They all act out the scenario with the "siblings" seated n chairs behind the "parent's" chair. When they begin fighting the "parent" pulls the "car" over by moving his/her chair to the right, and the "children" follow. The "parent" then takes out the book and reads. Eventually the dueling "siblings" realize they are never going to get where they are going, so they agree to calm down and tell the "parent" they are ready. The "parent" never acts angry or raises his/her voice. He/she simply follows through with the plan to adress the issue, and will repeat the same strategy any time needed. To help the children succeed, the "parent" will remind the "children" before car trips of the plan. As you can see there are simple ideas that work very well and don't require that anyone feels bad.
Some other important skills that are taught with this method are:
Parents/teachers and children work together to develop a plan for reaching a goal. That goal may be to get chores or home work done or to stop hitting a sibling. Really it can be any issue that needs a solution. Once a mutually agreed upon plan is constructed, parents/teachers must be very consistent to do what they have said they would do. In the Parenting with Positive Discipline Training, there is an experiential activity, as this is the way all the skills are taught to parents/teachers, to teach this idea of following through. The "Parent" tells the two young "siblings" that he/she can't safely drive if they are fighting in the back seat. He/she explains that she will bring a book in the car, and the next time they have something they have to fight about, he/she will simply pull the car over to the side of the road and read his/her book until they are finished. He/she will know they are finished when they are quiet and calmly tell him/her they are ready to continue the trip. They all act out the scenario with the "siblings" seated n chairs behind the "parent's" chair. When they begin fighting the "parent" pulls the "car" over by moving his/her chair to the right, and the "children" follow. The "parent" then takes out the book and reads. Eventually the dueling "siblings" realize they are never going to get where they are going, so they agree to calm down and tell the "parent" they are ready. The "parent" never acts angry or raises his/her voice. He/she simply follows through with the plan to adress the issue, and will repeat the same strategy any time needed. To help the children succeed, the "parent" will remind the "children" before car trips of the plan. As you can see there are simple ideas that work very well and don't require that anyone feels bad.
Some other important skills that are taught with this method are:
- Using encouragement instead of praise
- Being kind and firm at the same time, not permissive or punitive
- Looking for the belief behind the behavior - "why is this undesired behavior occurring?"
I hope that I have shared enough to a least peak your interest in this program. Positive Discipline training for parents and teachers is a truly life changing experience. I highly recommend it to anyone who works, lives or interacts with children, or adults for that matter. It is really just a treasure chest of skills for respectful communication and conflict resolution!
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