Let me be honest...

Living in San Diego has some real bonuses!  The weather has to be the most notable one.  Coming from Colorado I really appreciate the year round mild, usually perfect, weather.  My kids do too, and they take full advantage of it.

We have a safe, private back yard at our home.  The children pass in and out freely and I feel comfortable with them playing out there unsupervised (yes, I said it!) - unsupervised!  They are now six and almost two, and together or even alone they really enjoy spending time in our back yard.  They have an empty garden box for digging in, sidewalk chalk, plants to water, flowers to cut and arrange, a broom for sweeping, bikes/trikes, and balls. There are also a variety of bugs, lizards, birds, bunnies, and plants for observing.  Most importantly though, they get fresh air and vitamin D.  When they start to get a little crazy inside I suggest they go out and play.  Being outside immediately has a calming affect on them both.  Sometimes my daughter just sits out there and reads a book, while the little guy makes mud cakes for her.  I often her them laughing while they are out there; I think they actually get along better when they are playing outside than in.

As you can see they get plenty of essential exposure to the great outdoors.  They don't lack in outdoor time, but I still feel I need to take them to the neighborhood park.  I have a love-hate relationship with the park.  The playground equipment allows children to strengthen and coordinate their gross motor skills in ways that ,unless you live on a rural farm or ranch, or practice a hunter/gatherer life style, your children probably do not get.  While I love this opportunity for my kids to climb and develop their muscles in ways that they do not do otherwise, I don't love the other parents at the park.  I don't like how parents follow their children around the park wherever they go, telling them what to do next, to be careful, to say "sorry", to take turns, and to be nice.  Imagine what would happen if the parents just sat down on one of the many benches along the perimeter of the playground and just left their kids alone!  They just might learn that they are capable of doing things on their own, or how to interact with another child who wants to do the same thing as them, or what happens when they jump from the steps instead of carefully walking down.  We wouldn't want that would we?

Not only do these "other"parents burden their own children with their constant interference,  but they also give me looks when I am not following their lead.  As if I am a bad parent, just sitting on my butt, too lazy to take care of my own child.  Well enough is enough.  I have finally decided to be honest with them.  When they are following their child around and telling them to be careful of my little boy, or to take turns with my daughter,  I tell them I really don't mind if they let the children just figure it out on their own.  When one of the poor, unsuspecting, parents tries to inform me that one of my children is trying to get up the slide, or might need a little help with the monkey bars, I politely tell them that I am observing them and at this point I would like to allow them to try to do it on their own.

I have tried this new method of honesty at the park, children's museum, and the children's art studio.  Each time it has actually gone over quite well.  Some parents are relieved to hear my point of view.  They admit that they agree, but feel pressure from other parents to follow their kids around telling them what to do.  One mom even told me that her kids look at her strange when she acts the helicopter parent, because she is only like that at the park, and when other parents are around!

If you are one of the "other" parents who truly feels the need to follow your child around at the park, I invite you to try to sit back and just let them be the next time you go.  I am not encouraging you to let them get hurt or to bully.  I would certainly intervene if I thought one of my children was in danger of serious injury or was bullying another child.  However, it is important to remember that children will face physical challenges as well as confrontation from peers throughout their life, and the park just might be one of the best places for them to begin learning how to deal with such situations in a safe and peaceful manner.  What better time is there to learn empathy, self-control, respect, or even the law of gravity!

If you are more like me, and have felt the pressure to act like an "other" while at the park, I invite you to just be honest the next time the situation arises.  You will not only be standing up for yourself, but for your children too.

It is a beautiful day...who's up for a trip to the park?

Speak Softly

We have come to the end of our first month of 2013.  How are all your resolutions coming?  So far, so good here!

My parenting resolution this month was Speak Softly.  By that I meant that I would not only try to keep my voice quiet, avoid yelling, but also to keep my words soft,  by avoiding negative or hurtful words.  Children are so sensitive, even the slightest sharp word aimed at a child can be very hurtful.  This resolution required me to think or pause before responding to my children.  This is easier at some times than others.  When, for example, my toddler is dipping his fingers into the gross sludge in the bottom of the dirty dishwasher and then tasting them, it is very hard to pause and then respond calmly, and quietly.  Needless to say there were a few days that I didn't feel I could check of this resolution during my nightly resolution assessment.  But for the most part this resolution worked.
It is amazing how we can model self-control with our children to teach them to control themselves.  When our children see us flip our lids, not only do they often feel very scared, but this teaches them that shouting and loosing control is an appropriate response to anger or stressful situations.  When we instead remain calm, we teach self-control and show respect to our children.  Sometimes speaking softly meant that I would simply walk away, calm down, and then return to the situation to deal with it more calmly.  Other times it meant just letting go, choosing my battles.  To my surprise, my children were able to resolve problems on their own, and learn from their experiences without my involvement at all.  If I had intervened, especially with anger, I am sure the results would not have been as good.

The biggest surprise for me was how effective just using a calm and quiet tone of voice can be.  Even when I was angry or upset with my children, when I kept my voice calm and talked to them softly, I could feel myself calm down much more quickly than if I had yelled and screamed at them.

All in all, this is a resolution that I hope to continue forever.  When I spoke softly, I felt like I was being a better parent, I am pretty sure my children appreciated it and they responded by speaking more softly themselves, and I felt like I had an overall sense of peace.  In keeping with this idea of what I say to my children, next month my parenting resolution will be to Avoid Nagging!

Encouragement vs. Praise

One of my favorite tools to teach in parenting/teacher Positive Discipline classes is Encouragement vs. Praise.  A close look at the difference between the two strategies and how to use them can be very eye opening for many people.

We live in a world that is FILLED with praise.  There seems to be this idea that if we tell children how great they are all the time, then they will grow up to be great adults!   We want to encourage our children, but instead we often end up praising them and robbing them of their accomplishment and self-worth.

Some people don't know the difference between Encouragement and Praise.  Encouragement provides children with the opportunity to develop an "I am capable" perception.  Praise creates approval junkies who only attempt things they know they will succeed at to avoid making mistakes or not receiving praise.  Alfie Kohn writes about the importance of avoiding praise and rewards in many of his books, and this article.  When we constantly cheer our children on, praise them at every turn, and tell them how good they are, we make them dependent on our approval and fearful of not getting it.  I remember Jane Nelson saying that we should think of encouragement like water, something children need everyday, and Praise like candy, a treat that we only give every so often, knowing that it isn't really that good for them.

In my daughter's 1st grade class there are four separate reward systems that are built into the classroom "discipline" program.  They get "terrific tickets" whenever they demonstrate the pillars of character that they are learning about.  These tickets can be used to buy stuff like toys, books, and candy in the "terrific store".  They have a marble jar, that gets marbles put in it any time the entire class does good.  Whatever that means, I am not quite sure.  When the jar is filled they get to have a pizza party.  The children are seated in groups of five and each group gets points on the board when they are good.  The group with the most points at the end of the week gets to go to the treasure chest and get a toy.  There are also behavior cards that get moved from one color to another if they are not behaving as desired by the teacher.  At the end of the week the children come home with a paper describing the status of their card all week.  Parents are then encouraged to reward them for good weeks and address the alternative. They also get smiley faces and stars on classwork done correctly and stickers when they are good during their special classes.  Parent volunteers are encouraged to tell the children that they are doing a "good job" and report back to the teacher when the children they are working with are "good"!  No, I am not exaggerating.  Oh how I wish I could explain the benefits of encouragement rather than praise to the entire staff at her school.  It seems to be a school wide program, and it makes me cringe every time I hear about it.

According to Rudolph Driekers, encouragement recognizes the doer not the deed.  Instead of "good boy", or "great job", a parent could say, "I see you put a lot of effort into that", or "wow, you must be proud of yourself."  Jane Nelson outlines five questions you can ask yourself to discover whether you are being encouraging to your children.   Allowing your children to self-evaluate, learn from their own mistakes, and feel pride in what they accomplish will go a long way toward helping them grow into self-confident adults.

Anger Wheel of Choice

Anger is one of the many emotions that we, humans, experience from time to time.  It is a perfectly normal and healthy response to various situations that we are confronted with.  The problem with anger is not that we feel it, it is that we aren't always the best at dealing with and expressing it appropriately.  The Positive Discipline Tool: Anger Wheel of Choice can help.

The idea is to help your children learn that all feelings are okay, they just need to learn how to deal with them.  During a peaceful moment, introduce the anger wheel of choice.  You can use the free download here, or use it a an outline for you and your older child to come up with things that work for them.  The next time that your child gets angry, invite him to use the wheel of choice to find an outlet that works for him.

We used an old spinner from a board game to make ours.  Our, then 5 year old, daughter came up with her own tools for dealing with anger.  They are:  Read a book in bed, listen to music, draw or write about feelings, put it on the family meeting agenda, or have a hug.  We also created a place in her room that she calls her peaceful corner.  She has a giant teddy bear for sitting on and snuggling with, some beautiful pictures and a sound machine to listen to southing sounds.  When she starts to get angry I can ask her if she would like to spin the anger wheel or take a Positive Time-out in her peaceful corner.

As with all the other tools, this only works some of the time.  Sometimes it seems to make her more angry, but others it really, really, works, and when it does it is so great!  Even if it only works one in ten times, I think it is worth it.  Keep offering, if nothing else it is a way for you to consistently remind your child which responses to anger are appropriate and which aren't.  This is a gift that can take them very far in life.  Immagine if we all had the ability to deal with feelings in a peaceful and rational manner.  It reminds me of something Montessori said, "Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war."  That is to say, peace is an action we can teach/model, while war and conflict are emotional reactions.  Let's teach peace!

Kind and Firm

One very important aspect of Positive Discipline is to be Kind and Firm at the same time.  This is a very difficult concept for many parents and teachers to master.  Instead of doing them both at the same time, people often fluctuate back and forth between too kind and too firm.  I know I have been guilty of this. My daughter pushes my buttons until I snap.  I yell or say something I don't really mean, and then I feel guilty for having been so tough on her and I try to make up for it by being extra nice.  It is a vicious cycle, and hard to get out of.  Sometimes one parent is too nice, so the other parent tries to make up for the perceived lack of firmness and is extra strict with the children.  Both scenarios are very confusing for children.

In Montessori we have a similar expression, Freedom and Discipline.  The two concepts are dependent upon eachother.  When Montessori talks about discipline in the child it is something that comes from within.  A mastery and control of one's self is to be disciplined.  This is something that children gain during their first six years of life.  Freedom to the child, is to be able to follow their inner teacher and to fulfill their needs completely.

Just like Kind and Firm,  Freedom and Discipline must come together.  Too much of one and the other is sacrificed.  Freedom in the Montessori classroom means choice.  Children are free to choose what they will work with depending on their interest.  It is kind to allow children to make choices for themselves and do as they desire, but it will not work unless there are limits.  Montessori limits are clear and simple.  1. All actions must take into consideration the greater interest of the group, and 2. Knowledge precedes choice.  With these two simple ideas children can find a balance between what they desire to do and what is acceptable.   A teacher or parent can kindly and firmly implement the limits.

How does this look in real life?  A child who takes out the scissors and attempts to cut a piece of paper, but hasn't yet been shown that lesson will gently be reminded that he has not yet had that lesson and will need to put it away.  Another child, who as had a lesson with cutting paper, takes out the scissors and attempts to cut another child's hair.  This child will be reminded kindly that the scissor are only for cutting paper.  It would not be in the greater interest of the group to allow children to cut whatever they want with the scissors.  In neither situation would the teacher yell, shame or punish the child.  A clear reminder of the limits with a kind tone will often solve the problem.

I am not saying that this is all that will be necessary.  Further action is often necessary, and that is when another tool might come into play.  The important thing about the Kind and Firm tool, is that you continue to use it at all times.  It is beneficial to approach each interaction with your children both kindly and firmly.  Rules are rules, and they can and must be enforced, but it can be done in a kind and respectful manner.  Shame and blame are not kind and aren't even more effective at teaching then a more respectful approach would be.

Children need to feel free to make choices for themselves, but they are not ready to make all their own decisions yet, and that is why they need limits.  Limits allow the children to acquire self discipline.  When they know what to expect and what is expected of them, they feel confident in their ability to make choices and do so happily.  If you kindly implement consistent limits in your home, you will feel like a better parent and your children will gain self mastery, a trait that will carry them throughout their life. Remember, children do better when they feel better, and children feel better when they are approached with kindness and firmness at the same time!

Coming up next: Pay Attention!