Living in San Diego has some real bonuses! The weather has to be the most notable one. Coming from Colorado I really appreciate the year round mild, usually perfect, weather. My kids do too, and they take full advantage of it.
We have a safe, private back yard at our home. The children pass in and out freely and I feel comfortable with them playing out there unsupervised (yes, I said it!) - unsupervised! They are now six and almost two, and together or even alone they really enjoy spending time in our back yard. They have an empty garden box for digging in, sidewalk chalk, plants to water, flowers to cut and arrange, a broom for sweeping, bikes/trikes, and balls. There are also a variety of bugs, lizards, birds, bunnies, and plants for observing. Most importantly though, they get fresh air and vitamin D. When they start to get a little crazy inside I suggest they go out and play. Being outside immediately has a calming affect on them both. Sometimes my daughter just sits out there and reads a book, while the little guy makes mud cakes for her. I often her them laughing while they are out there; I think they actually get along better when they are playing outside than in.
As you can see they get plenty of essential exposure to the great outdoors. They don't lack in outdoor time, but I still feel I need to take them to the neighborhood park. I have a love-hate relationship with the park. The playground equipment allows children to strengthen and coordinate their gross motor skills in ways that ,unless you live on a rural farm or ranch, or practice a hunter/gatherer life style, your children probably do not get. While I love this opportunity for my kids to climb and develop their muscles in ways that they do not do otherwise, I don't love the other parents at the park. I don't like how parents follow their children around the park wherever they go, telling them what to do next, to be careful, to say "sorry", to take turns, and to be nice. Imagine what would happen if the parents just sat down on one of the many benches along the perimeter of the playground and just left their kids alone! They just might learn that they are capable of doing things on their own, or how to interact with another child who wants to do the same thing as them, or what happens when they jump from the steps instead of carefully walking down. We wouldn't want that would we?
Not only do these "other"parents burden their own children with their constant interference, but they also give me looks when I am not following their lead. As if I am a bad parent, just sitting on my butt, too lazy to take care of my own child. Well enough is enough. I have finally decided to be honest with them. When they are following their child around and telling them to be careful of my little boy, or to take turns with my daughter, I tell them I really don't mind if they let the children just figure it out on their own. When one of the poor, unsuspecting, parents tries to inform me that one of my children is trying to get up the slide, or might need a little help with the monkey bars, I politely tell them that I am observing them and at this point I would like to allow them to try to do it on their own.
I have tried this new method of honesty at the park, children's museum, and the children's art studio. Each time it has actually gone over quite well. Some parents are relieved to hear my point of view. They admit that they agree, but feel pressure from other parents to follow their kids around telling them what to do. One mom even told me that her kids look at her strange when she acts the helicopter parent, because she is only like that at the park, and when other parents are around!
If you are one of the "other" parents who truly feels the need to follow your child around at the park, I invite you to try to sit back and just let them be the next time you go. I am not encouraging you to let them get hurt or to bully. I would certainly intervene if I thought one of my children was in danger of serious injury or was bullying another child. However, it is important to remember that children will face physical challenges as well as confrontation from peers throughout their life, and the park just might be one of the best places for them to begin learning how to deal with such situations in a safe and peaceful manner. What better time is there to learn empathy, self-control, respect, or even the law of gravity!
If you are more like me, and have felt the pressure to act like an "other" while at the park, I invite you to just be honest the next time the situation arises. You will not only be standing up for yourself, but for your children too.
It is a beautiful day...who's up for a trip to the park?
Showing posts with label independence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label independence. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Avoid Pampering
The Positive Discipline Tool Avoid Pampering has to be one of my favorite tools. And while it sounds pretty easy, I think many parents might find this the hardest tool to stick with. The tool card says: Parents make a mistake when they pamper in the name of love.
I have made myself heard on this topic in the past, here and here. Maria Montessori made it clear that when we do something for a child that he is capable of doing, we are putting up an obstacle in the way of his development. I believe this wholeheartedly. Children learn to be capable and self confident by doing things for themselves, making mistakes, struggling and facing challenges.
To avoid pampering does not mean that you withhold love or affection. Tell your children you love them, hug them daily, and encourage them, just don't help them when they don't need help. Don't rescue them when they don't need rescuing, and don't tell them what to do when they can figure it out on their own. Yes, even telling them what to do next is pampering. Here are two examples a bit of a morning routine with a 2 year old.
Example A: Mother says, "Let's go. It is time to go to grandma's house. Let's go get your shoes and sock." Mother grabs shoes and socks while holding the toddler's hand. "Let's put your shoes on." Mother puts the shoes and socks on. "Okay, lets go get in the car." Mother picks up the child and puts him in his car seat, and buckles the car seat. Off they go!
Example B: Mother says, "It's time to go to grandmas house. You need to wear shoes and socks, please." Toddler goes to grab his socks, brings them to his mother. Mother says, "I see you found your socks, please put them on." Toddler tries to put the socks on and then asks "help, please" when he gets to a point of frustration. Mother helps as little as possible to help him get the socks on. Mother says, "What d you still need?" Toddler looks at his feet and says, "shoes!" He runs off to find his shoes. Mother allows him to attempt to put his on shoes, and helps when necessary. Mother says, "Okay, you are already. Let's get in the car." Mother allows toddler to try to climb in the car and into his seat. She then allows him to attempt the buckles, and helps when needed. Off they go!
The difference between A and B, besides the amount of time it took to get to the point of leaving, is that the mom in B did not pamper the child. She allowed him to do what he could on his own, and by doing so, conveyed the message that he is capable. This kind of experience is possible when you Take Time for Training, and plan ahead. When children know how to do what is expected of them you can show faith in them. Planning ahead means allowing time for children to do things at their own pace, without feeling rushed. Things will not always go this smoothly, and some days your child will actually need more help than others. That is okay too. Some days we all need a little extra help!
At the same time, and for as much as I push for parents to give their children the chance to grow and experience things on their own, I also think it is important to mention the concept: Acts of Service.
One of the 5 Love Languages, as described by author Dr. Gary Chapman, is Acts of Service. Many people feel loved when other people do things for them, and in turn feel that they can best express love by doing for others. This happens to be my love language. When my husband makes the bed before going to work, and washes diapers without me having to even ask, I feel love. This may sound silly to someone who has a different love language. I encourage you to read about the love languages.
Performing an act of service is not only a love language, it is a valuable aspect of humanity, and therefore something that we need tom model for our children. I am not giving you the go ahead to wait on your children hand and foot, but doing something for them or others around them as an act of service is an important virtue to share with them. Balance my friends, it always comes down to balance. Teach your children to love in all the love languages, but try to allow them to do things for themselves too.
I have made myself heard on this topic in the past, here and here. Maria Montessori made it clear that when we do something for a child that he is capable of doing, we are putting up an obstacle in the way of his development. I believe this wholeheartedly. Children learn to be capable and self confident by doing things for themselves, making mistakes, struggling and facing challenges.
To avoid pampering does not mean that you withhold love or affection. Tell your children you love them, hug them daily, and encourage them, just don't help them when they don't need help. Don't rescue them when they don't need rescuing, and don't tell them what to do when they can figure it out on their own. Yes, even telling them what to do next is pampering. Here are two examples a bit of a morning routine with a 2 year old.
Example A: Mother says, "Let's go. It is time to go to grandma's house. Let's go get your shoes and sock." Mother grabs shoes and socks while holding the toddler's hand. "Let's put your shoes on." Mother puts the shoes and socks on. "Okay, lets go get in the car." Mother picks up the child and puts him in his car seat, and buckles the car seat. Off they go!
Example B: Mother says, "It's time to go to grandmas house. You need to wear shoes and socks, please." Toddler goes to grab his socks, brings them to his mother. Mother says, "I see you found your socks, please put them on." Toddler tries to put the socks on and then asks "help, please" when he gets to a point of frustration. Mother helps as little as possible to help him get the socks on. Mother says, "What d you still need?" Toddler looks at his feet and says, "shoes!" He runs off to find his shoes. Mother allows him to attempt to put his on shoes, and helps when necessary. Mother says, "Okay, you are already. Let's get in the car." Mother allows toddler to try to climb in the car and into his seat. She then allows him to attempt the buckles, and helps when needed. Off they go!
The difference between A and B, besides the amount of time it took to get to the point of leaving, is that the mom in B did not pamper the child. She allowed him to do what he could on his own, and by doing so, conveyed the message that he is capable. This kind of experience is possible when you Take Time for Training, and plan ahead. When children know how to do what is expected of them you can show faith in them. Planning ahead means allowing time for children to do things at their own pace, without feeling rushed. Things will not always go this smoothly, and some days your child will actually need more help than others. That is okay too. Some days we all need a little extra help!
At the same time, and for as much as I push for parents to give their children the chance to grow and experience things on their own, I also think it is important to mention the concept: Acts of Service.
One of the 5 Love Languages, as described by author Dr. Gary Chapman, is Acts of Service. Many people feel loved when other people do things for them, and in turn feel that they can best express love by doing for others. This happens to be my love language. When my husband makes the bed before going to work, and washes diapers without me having to even ask, I feel love. This may sound silly to someone who has a different love language. I encourage you to read about the love languages.
Performing an act of service is not only a love language, it is a valuable aspect of humanity, and therefore something that we need tom model for our children. I am not giving you the go ahead to wait on your children hand and foot, but doing something for them or others around them as an act of service is an important virtue to share with them. Balance my friends, it always comes down to balance. Teach your children to love in all the love languages, but try to allow them to do things for themselves too.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Show Faith
Show Faith is the Positive Discipline tool we are looking at this week. The Tool Card says "When we show faith in our children they develop courage and faith in themselves.
For me there are two aspects to this tool. The first, and most obvious, is to be used in an encouraging way. Telling your children that you believe in them and know that they can do whatever it is that they are attempting gives them the confidence to go forward. When they are faced with challenges, having faith in them allows them to face the tough stuff head on with courage. My parents were great at this. I never once thought that there was anything that I wasn't capable of doing. They gave me confidence by believing in me 100%.
The second, and not so easy use, is to be used when our children are dealing with problems, conflict, loss, or failure. To have faith at these times can be more difficult. You are not necessarily telling them that you know they can do it, because they may be in a situation where they can't. They might lose the game, or fail a test, or fight with a friend, or get into trouble with an authority. These are typical problems that all children will face at some point. It may be at the park when another child steals their toys, or in middle school when another guy steals their girlfriend. It may be due to a bad decision that they made, even after you showed your faith in them to make the right one. Bad things happen, on occasion, to EVERYONE. Life is not meant to be about avoiding all possibile mistakes or troubles, it is meant to be about learning and growing from those that you do face.
When we rescue our children, instead of letting them face their problems head on, we are not allowing them to develop the skills that are necessary to deal with hardships. Writing a note to the teacher when your child doesn't do his homework isn't helping the child. Standing up to another child who is not being as kind to your child as you would like does not help your child. As Jane Nelson always says, "Children need to develop their disappointment muscles." When your children face disappointment, they have the opportunity to learn from it.
I am not saying that you should completely abandon your children in their time of need. Instead of rescuing them, trying to fix their problem, or even worse lecturing them about their mistake, you could let them know that you have faith in them to handle the situation. You can show compassion, they learn this from you too. Tell them that you can understand how they are feeling. Share stories of when you have faced a similar situation, or just offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Being there lets them know that you believe they are strong enough to overcome the obstacle. Show your faith in them and allow them to learn, grow, and most importantly have faith in themselves!
For me there are two aspects to this tool. The first, and most obvious, is to be used in an encouraging way. Telling your children that you believe in them and know that they can do whatever it is that they are attempting gives them the confidence to go forward. When they are faced with challenges, having faith in them allows them to face the tough stuff head on with courage. My parents were great at this. I never once thought that there was anything that I wasn't capable of doing. They gave me confidence by believing in me 100%.
The second, and not so easy use, is to be used when our children are dealing with problems, conflict, loss, or failure. To have faith at these times can be more difficult. You are not necessarily telling them that you know they can do it, because they may be in a situation where they can't. They might lose the game, or fail a test, or fight with a friend, or get into trouble with an authority. These are typical problems that all children will face at some point. It may be at the park when another child steals their toys, or in middle school when another guy steals their girlfriend. It may be due to a bad decision that they made, even after you showed your faith in them to make the right one. Bad things happen, on occasion, to EVERYONE. Life is not meant to be about avoiding all possibile mistakes or troubles, it is meant to be about learning and growing from those that you do face.
When we rescue our children, instead of letting them face their problems head on, we are not allowing them to develop the skills that are necessary to deal with hardships. Writing a note to the teacher when your child doesn't do his homework isn't helping the child. Standing up to another child who is not being as kind to your child as you would like does not help your child. As Jane Nelson always says, "Children need to develop their disappointment muscles." When your children face disappointment, they have the opportunity to learn from it.
I am not saying that you should completely abandon your children in their time of need. Instead of rescuing them, trying to fix their problem, or even worse lecturing them about their mistake, you could let them know that you have faith in them to handle the situation. You can show compassion, they learn this from you too. Tell them that you can understand how they are feeling. Share stories of when you have faced a similar situation, or just offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Being there lets them know that you believe they are strong enough to overcome the obstacle. Show your faith in them and allow them to learn, grow, and most importantly have faith in themselves!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Letting Go!
Letting Go is a very simple tool, but seems to be very difficult for many parents. The card says "Letting go does not mean abandoning your child. It means allowing your child to learn responsibility and to feel capable." It is so funny how one mother's version of letting go seems like allowing her child to learn and grow while another mother would see it as neglect or lazy parenting.
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
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