In our house we use real dishes. All of us. We eat of of porcelain plates, and drink out of glasses, and we use silverware not plastic ware. When we introduced solid foods to our babies we did so with a metal spoon and a porcelain bowl. At around six months of age we began pouring a small amount of water into a very small glass, much like a shot glass, for them to drink from.
The other day our two year old and six year old were setting the table together. Each taking one dish at a time from a cart in the kitchen to its respective place on the table. My son has been helping in this way since he was around 20 months. On this evening the second glass my son took to set on the table didn't make it there. It broke when he dropped it on the tile floor on its way up to the table. I quickly asked him to step back, explaining that broken glass is very sharp, and swept up the glass. My son observed cautiously and my daughter provided a worrisome commentary. Once the glass was picked up, I got out another from the cupboard, put it on the cart and asked them to continue setting the table. My daughter said, "Your gonna give him another one?" I said, "Of course, we each need a glass to drink from for dinner." I then explained to her that he also needs a second chance, the opportunity to be successful and to know that we still trust him to do the job.
To replace the small glass it will cost $.95, but the learning that took place in it breaking is truly priceless. The lessons gleaned from a broken glass are:
1. Glass breaks
2. How to clean up carefully
3. Mistakes are opportunities to learn
4. How to recover and move-on after a mistake
5. Our parents are here for us to protect us and help us when we need them
The other day a friend and her son were over. Our two young boys were playing legos in the living room. Our young guest started playing kinda rough with a small plant stand that we have and my son rushed to him and said, "careful - GLASS!" I would say he learned a lot the day the glass broke!
Do you trust your children to use real dishes at home? If not, how will they be prepared to use them when they are out?
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Be a Mediator!
My April Parenting Resolution was to be a mediator. While my children are about four and half years apart they still find plenty of opportunities for conflict. In my experience working with other parents it has become clear that many of us find navigating sibling conflict to be one of the toughest parenting jobs.
Being a mediator can be a great approach when dealing with conflict in a neutral way. While we all know that we shouldn't take sides when there is a conflict between two or more children, it is not always as easy as it sounds. For many parents and teachers our first response is to deal with the child who seems to be the instigator. This can be damaging not only for the child who is always receiving the correction, but also the other "innocent" party. I talked about how this can make one child into the "victim" in my post Put Kids In The Same Boat. Besides, we aren't always right about who started it.
The definition of Mediate, according to Merriam-Webster online, is to occupy a middle position. The opposite of taking sides. To be a mediator in a parenting or teaching role would sound something like, "It looks like we have a disagreement here, what can we do to resolve it?" In her book, Raising Happiness, Dr Christine Carter says that we can look at conflict between our children as an opportunity for learning positive conflict resolution. A skill that has been linked to increased academic performance, self esteem, self-confidence, higher level reasoning, and creative problem solving. The other thing is that once you have taught this skill of conflict resolution enough times your children will be able to begin to do it on their own. That sounds great to me!
I gave it a try for the month and found it to be a lot more difficult than it sounds. Perhaps the age of my children contributed to my difficulty. My two year old lacks reasoning skills, patience, and an interest in taking turns just yet. These are all completely normal two year old behaviors. He is probably not really capable of true conflict resolution at this point. That doesn't mean that it is too early to start giving him some of the language involved, modeling solution brainstorming , and expressing and restating feelings.
This whole business about addressing the situation with calm words and helping the children identify their feelings proved to be very helpful with both children. Our youngest has been really responsive to us acknowledging his feelings, and our six year old is working on expressing her feelings.
While I don't think that they are quite ready for coming up with and agreeing on solutions together, we will continue to talk about solutions and work toward that.
For May, the month of Mother's Day, I will be working on Taking Care of Me for my Parenting Resolution.
Being a mediator can be a great approach when dealing with conflict in a neutral way. While we all know that we shouldn't take sides when there is a conflict between two or more children, it is not always as easy as it sounds. For many parents and teachers our first response is to deal with the child who seems to be the instigator. This can be damaging not only for the child who is always receiving the correction, but also the other "innocent" party. I talked about how this can make one child into the "victim" in my post Put Kids In The Same Boat. Besides, we aren't always right about who started it.
The definition of Mediate, according to Merriam-Webster online, is to occupy a middle position. The opposite of taking sides. To be a mediator in a parenting or teaching role would sound something like, "It looks like we have a disagreement here, what can we do to resolve it?" In her book, Raising Happiness, Dr Christine Carter says that we can look at conflict between our children as an opportunity for learning positive conflict resolution. A skill that has been linked to increased academic performance, self esteem, self-confidence, higher level reasoning, and creative problem solving. The other thing is that once you have taught this skill of conflict resolution enough times your children will be able to begin to do it on their own. That sounds great to me!
I gave it a try for the month and found it to be a lot more difficult than it sounds. Perhaps the age of my children contributed to my difficulty. My two year old lacks reasoning skills, patience, and an interest in taking turns just yet. These are all completely normal two year old behaviors. He is probably not really capable of true conflict resolution at this point. That doesn't mean that it is too early to start giving him some of the language involved, modeling solution brainstorming , and expressing and restating feelings.
This whole business about addressing the situation with calm words and helping the children identify their feelings proved to be very helpful with both children. Our youngest has been really responsive to us acknowledging his feelings, and our six year old is working on expressing her feelings.
While I don't think that they are quite ready for coming up with and agreeing on solutions together, we will continue to talk about solutions and work toward that.
For May, the month of Mother's Day, I will be working on Taking Care of Me for my Parenting Resolution.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Forgive and Forget
In March my parenting resolution was Forgive and Forget. While this is good advice for life in general, I felt like it was something I could work on to make me a better parent. Children are constantly pushing our buttons, making mistakes and challenging us. They aren't intentionally doing these things, but as a result of their striving for independence and following their inner teacher they often do things that aren't exactly what we desire.
While training to become a Montessori teacher we learn that we must enter the classroom each morning almost as if it is our first day with the children in our class. We have to let go of all the things that happened the day before and greet the children with love, trust and respect. If we start the day thinking about something like a broken glass or a spilled pitcher of water, we might not be able to treat the children the same as if we let it go before entering.
Parenting is the same. We can't be angry about things, even "naughty" things, that our children do and let those feelings guide our actions. We have to wake each morning with a fresh perspective and give our children the benefit of the doubt. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing what someone has done, or accepting their actions, instead it allows us to move past the incident with an open mind and heart.
Forgiveness frees us to move on, and according to Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness, it also makes us happier. Forgiveness seems like a no brainer, but forgetting? I am not so sure.
The second half of the old adage, forgive and forget, is the one I see a problem with. While we do want to forgive our children their mistakes immediately we must not forget where they had the problem. For instance, a child who colors with marker on the walls should not be given free range to markers, at least not for some time. As parent or educators we forgive the behavior then we remember that it happened. We use this knowledge, gained from observing the child, to guide him in a direction that is appropriate for his needs at that moment. The wall colorer may need to do some large motor movement, scrubbing a wall would be good. Or he may need an opportunity to create something beautiful and colorful to hang on the wall. Helping the child find a purposeful and appropriate expression of his desires requires us to remember the "misbehavior" while forgiveness allows us to respond with wisdom and love instead of anger.
For the month of April my parenting resolution will be Be a Mediator!
While training to become a Montessori teacher we learn that we must enter the classroom each morning almost as if it is our first day with the children in our class. We have to let go of all the things that happened the day before and greet the children with love, trust and respect. If we start the day thinking about something like a broken glass or a spilled pitcher of water, we might not be able to treat the children the same as if we let it go before entering.
Parenting is the same. We can't be angry about things, even "naughty" things, that our children do and let those feelings guide our actions. We have to wake each morning with a fresh perspective and give our children the benefit of the doubt. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing what someone has done, or accepting their actions, instead it allows us to move past the incident with an open mind and heart.
Forgiveness frees us to move on, and according to Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness, it also makes us happier. Forgiveness seems like a no brainer, but forgetting? I am not so sure.
The second half of the old adage, forgive and forget, is the one I see a problem with. While we do want to forgive our children their mistakes immediately we must not forget where they had the problem. For instance, a child who colors with marker on the walls should not be given free range to markers, at least not for some time. As parent or educators we forgive the behavior then we remember that it happened. We use this knowledge, gained from observing the child, to guide him in a direction that is appropriate for his needs at that moment. The wall colorer may need to do some large motor movement, scrubbing a wall would be good. Or he may need an opportunity to create something beautiful and colorful to hang on the wall. Helping the child find a purposeful and appropriate expression of his desires requires us to remember the "misbehavior" while forgiveness allows us to respond with wisdom and love instead of anger.
For the month of April my parenting resolution will be Be a Mediator!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Help Me To Do It Myself
One of the most well known phrases in the Montessori world is "Help me do it myself". I think that it is so well known because it really summarizes the Montessori philosophy in its very essence. While Montessori school are known for their academics, many people quickly discover the push for independence. Children in Montessori classrooms are given the space to be independent and the tools that allow them to do so successfully With child sized materials and furniture, the Prepared Environment in the classroom encourages independence. The same is true for Montessori homes.
In our home we have adapted the environment to allow our children to be independent in many ways. We have always encouraged them to try to do it themselves, and if they need help to ask for it. As soon as our son started talking he could say "help please!" It sounded a bit like "hupppeee", but we understood what he meant It should have come to no surprise when about a month ago he started saying, "help please, do it!" By which he meant "Help me to do it by myself." He is 100% in the do it himself stage, but he is not always able to do things completely on his own. He figured out that he can sk for help while still making it clear to us that he would like to participate as much as possible. This is a very important transition that we all must make as a family. Although it can be very tiring some times when your toddler wants to do things himself. It can almost seem absurd sometimes. Like when you have to unbuckle his car seat, so that he can buckle it himself. Or when you have to take the dirty shirt out of the laundry basket so he can put it in. However annoying this may seem, and no matter how much longer these actions take, it is essential that children are allowed to "do it" on their own or tot he best of their ability during this time that they have the interest to do so.
Maria Montessori said, "Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed." The key to this sentence is the word FEELS. Note - it is not about what you feel the child can do, or what you feel is the easiest or quickest way to do it, but what he feels he can do. You have to let him have the opportunity to try, and then ask for your help if he needs it. When you do help, after being asked, you only help as much as is needed. An example is when your toddler is getting dressed. My almost two year old can get his shirt over his head, but can quite get his arms through the holes, once he does he can pull down the front and back to straighten it.
Not only do children learn to do things for themselves through independence, but they also learn that they are capable. If toddlers aren't given the opportunity to try, do and sometimes fail at their own tasks they risk loosing the desire to do things for themselves. Parents and teachers who help and do things for their children all the time often claim to do so out of love. These children quickly pick up on this message, and soon beleive "If you love me you will serve me!"
In our home we have adapted the environment to allow our children to be independent in many ways. We have always encouraged them to try to do it themselves, and if they need help to ask for it. As soon as our son started talking he could say "help please!" It sounded a bit like "hupppeee", but we understood what he meant It should have come to no surprise when about a month ago he started saying, "help please, do it!" By which he meant "Help me to do it by myself." He is 100% in the do it himself stage, but he is not always able to do things completely on his own. He figured out that he can sk for help while still making it clear to us that he would like to participate as much as possible. This is a very important transition that we all must make as a family. Although it can be very tiring some times when your toddler wants to do things himself. It can almost seem absurd sometimes. Like when you have to unbuckle his car seat, so that he can buckle it himself. Or when you have to take the dirty shirt out of the laundry basket so he can put it in. However annoying this may seem, and no matter how much longer these actions take, it is essential that children are allowed to "do it" on their own or tot he best of their ability during this time that they have the interest to do so.
Maria Montessori said, "Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed." The key to this sentence is the word FEELS. Note - it is not about what you feel the child can do, or what you feel is the easiest or quickest way to do it, but what he feels he can do. You have to let him have the opportunity to try, and then ask for your help if he needs it. When you do help, after being asked, you only help as much as is needed. An example is when your toddler is getting dressed. My almost two year old can get his shirt over his head, but can quite get his arms through the holes, once he does he can pull down the front and back to straighten it.
Not only do children learn to do things for themselves through independence, but they also learn that they are capable. If toddlers aren't given the opportunity to try, do and sometimes fail at their own tasks they risk loosing the desire to do things for themselves. Parents and teachers who help and do things for their children all the time often claim to do so out of love. These children quickly pick up on this message, and soon beleive "If you love me you will serve me!"
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Avoid Nagging
My parenting resolution for February was to Avoid Nagging. I have talked about this topic before when I was working on the Positive Discipline tool One Word. I still use this tool when I remember or think it is appropriate and still find it to be an effective way to communicate needs, reminders, and rules when the child already knows what is expected and is capable of doing it.
In addition to using just one word to state my requests, I tried just not saying or even doing anything at all as one way to avoid nagging. I know that doesn't sound like very good parenting advice, but it was actually pretty effective in certain situations. Dinner time is the perfect example. My daughter does her homework at the dining room table while I cook dinner each night. When she is finished with her homework, she often plays with her little brother while I finish up dinner. When dinner is almost ready I start nagging my daughter to put her homework away, clear the table, set the table etc. This is not a pleasant experience for anyone in the house. I annoy myself! One day I decided not to say anything. I just finished up dinner, got out the plates and silver wear for setting the table and set them on the edge of the table and called everyone to come and eat. As soon as my daughter got to the table she said, "Oops, I forgot to put my homework away." She quickly cleaned it up while i got drinks for everyone. When she got back she set the table quickly and we all sat down and ate. I was thinking I would give this strategy a try and if it didn't work I would put the issue on the Family Meeting agenda. Turns out the issue was all mine. I wanted the homework cleaned up as soon as she was finished working on it. She wanted a break after school and homework. I had already expressed the need for the table to be cleared and set for dinner many times, as well as taken the time for training her how to do the job. When we got ready to eat and there was a mess at the table she didn't think twice about what needed to be done. She also didn't need me insulting her intelligence or humiliating her in front of everyone else by nagging her about it.
I did catch my self nagging in a few other situations, and just being mindful of it made it easy to stop myself and seek a better solution. All in all I would say this resolution was a success and another one that I hope to continue as we move on into the next month. For March my parenting resolution will be Forgive and Forget!
In addition to using just one word to state my requests, I tried just not saying or even doing anything at all as one way to avoid nagging. I know that doesn't sound like very good parenting advice, but it was actually pretty effective in certain situations. Dinner time is the perfect example. My daughter does her homework at the dining room table while I cook dinner each night. When she is finished with her homework, she often plays with her little brother while I finish up dinner. When dinner is almost ready I start nagging my daughter to put her homework away, clear the table, set the table etc. This is not a pleasant experience for anyone in the house. I annoy myself! One day I decided not to say anything. I just finished up dinner, got out the plates and silver wear for setting the table and set them on the edge of the table and called everyone to come and eat. As soon as my daughter got to the table she said, "Oops, I forgot to put my homework away." She quickly cleaned it up while i got drinks for everyone. When she got back she set the table quickly and we all sat down and ate. I was thinking I would give this strategy a try and if it didn't work I would put the issue on the Family Meeting agenda. Turns out the issue was all mine. I wanted the homework cleaned up as soon as she was finished working on it. She wanted a break after school and homework. I had already expressed the need for the table to be cleared and set for dinner many times, as well as taken the time for training her how to do the job. When we got ready to eat and there was a mess at the table she didn't think twice about what needed to be done. She also didn't need me insulting her intelligence or humiliating her in front of everyone else by nagging her about it.
I did catch my self nagging in a few other situations, and just being mindful of it made it easy to stop myself and seek a better solution. All in all I would say this resolution was a success and another one that I hope to continue as we move on into the next month. For March my parenting resolution will be Forgive and Forget!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Let me be honest...
Living in San Diego has some real bonuses! The weather has to be the most notable one. Coming from Colorado I really appreciate the year round mild, usually perfect, weather. My kids do too, and they take full advantage of it.
We have a safe, private back yard at our home. The children pass in and out freely and I feel comfortable with them playing out there unsupervised (yes, I said it!) - unsupervised! They are now six and almost two, and together or even alone they really enjoy spending time in our back yard. They have an empty garden box for digging in, sidewalk chalk, plants to water, flowers to cut and arrange, a broom for sweeping, bikes/trikes, and balls. There are also a variety of bugs, lizards, birds, bunnies, and plants for observing. Most importantly though, they get fresh air and vitamin D. When they start to get a little crazy inside I suggest they go out and play. Being outside immediately has a calming affect on them both. Sometimes my daughter just sits out there and reads a book, while the little guy makes mud cakes for her. I often her them laughing while they are out there; I think they actually get along better when they are playing outside than in.
As you can see they get plenty of essential exposure to the great outdoors. They don't lack in outdoor time, but I still feel I need to take them to the neighborhood park. I have a love-hate relationship with the park. The playground equipment allows children to strengthen and coordinate their gross motor skills in ways that ,unless you live on a rural farm or ranch, or practice a hunter/gatherer life style, your children probably do not get. While I love this opportunity for my kids to climb and develop their muscles in ways that they do not do otherwise, I don't love the other parents at the park. I don't like how parents follow their children around the park wherever they go, telling them what to do next, to be careful, to say "sorry", to take turns, and to be nice. Imagine what would happen if the parents just sat down on one of the many benches along the perimeter of the playground and just left their kids alone! They just might learn that they are capable of doing things on their own, or how to interact with another child who wants to do the same thing as them, or what happens when they jump from the steps instead of carefully walking down. We wouldn't want that would we?
Not only do these "other"parents burden their own children with their constant interference, but they also give me looks when I am not following their lead. As if I am a bad parent, just sitting on my butt, too lazy to take care of my own child. Well enough is enough. I have finally decided to be honest with them. When they are following their child around and telling them to be careful of my little boy, or to take turns with my daughter, I tell them I really don't mind if they let the children just figure it out on their own. When one of the poor, unsuspecting, parents tries to inform me that one of my children is trying to get up the slide, or might need a little help with the monkey bars, I politely tell them that I am observing them and at this point I would like to allow them to try to do it on their own.
I have tried this new method of honesty at the park, children's museum, and the children's art studio. Each time it has actually gone over quite well. Some parents are relieved to hear my point of view. They admit that they agree, but feel pressure from other parents to follow their kids around telling them what to do. One mom even told me that her kids look at her strange when she acts the helicopter parent, because she is only like that at the park, and when other parents are around!
If you are one of the "other" parents who truly feels the need to follow your child around at the park, I invite you to try to sit back and just let them be the next time you go. I am not encouraging you to let them get hurt or to bully. I would certainly intervene if I thought one of my children was in danger of serious injury or was bullying another child. However, it is important to remember that children will face physical challenges as well as confrontation from peers throughout their life, and the park just might be one of the best places for them to begin learning how to deal with such situations in a safe and peaceful manner. What better time is there to learn empathy, self-control, respect, or even the law of gravity!
If you are more like me, and have felt the pressure to act like an "other" while at the park, I invite you to just be honest the next time the situation arises. You will not only be standing up for yourself, but for your children too.
It is a beautiful day...who's up for a trip to the park?
We have a safe, private back yard at our home. The children pass in and out freely and I feel comfortable with them playing out there unsupervised (yes, I said it!) - unsupervised! They are now six and almost two, and together or even alone they really enjoy spending time in our back yard. They have an empty garden box for digging in, sidewalk chalk, plants to water, flowers to cut and arrange, a broom for sweeping, bikes/trikes, and balls. There are also a variety of bugs, lizards, birds, bunnies, and plants for observing. Most importantly though, they get fresh air and vitamin D. When they start to get a little crazy inside I suggest they go out and play. Being outside immediately has a calming affect on them both. Sometimes my daughter just sits out there and reads a book, while the little guy makes mud cakes for her. I often her them laughing while they are out there; I think they actually get along better when they are playing outside than in.
As you can see they get plenty of essential exposure to the great outdoors. They don't lack in outdoor time, but I still feel I need to take them to the neighborhood park. I have a love-hate relationship with the park. The playground equipment allows children to strengthen and coordinate their gross motor skills in ways that ,unless you live on a rural farm or ranch, or practice a hunter/gatherer life style, your children probably do not get. While I love this opportunity for my kids to climb and develop their muscles in ways that they do not do otherwise, I don't love the other parents at the park. I don't like how parents follow their children around the park wherever they go, telling them what to do next, to be careful, to say "sorry", to take turns, and to be nice. Imagine what would happen if the parents just sat down on one of the many benches along the perimeter of the playground and just left their kids alone! They just might learn that they are capable of doing things on their own, or how to interact with another child who wants to do the same thing as them, or what happens when they jump from the steps instead of carefully walking down. We wouldn't want that would we?
Not only do these "other"parents burden their own children with their constant interference, but they also give me looks when I am not following their lead. As if I am a bad parent, just sitting on my butt, too lazy to take care of my own child. Well enough is enough. I have finally decided to be honest with them. When they are following their child around and telling them to be careful of my little boy, or to take turns with my daughter, I tell them I really don't mind if they let the children just figure it out on their own. When one of the poor, unsuspecting, parents tries to inform me that one of my children is trying to get up the slide, or might need a little help with the monkey bars, I politely tell them that I am observing them and at this point I would like to allow them to try to do it on their own.
I have tried this new method of honesty at the park, children's museum, and the children's art studio. Each time it has actually gone over quite well. Some parents are relieved to hear my point of view. They admit that they agree, but feel pressure from other parents to follow their kids around telling them what to do. One mom even told me that her kids look at her strange when she acts the helicopter parent, because she is only like that at the park, and when other parents are around!
If you are one of the "other" parents who truly feels the need to follow your child around at the park, I invite you to try to sit back and just let them be the next time you go. I am not encouraging you to let them get hurt or to bully. I would certainly intervene if I thought one of my children was in danger of serious injury or was bullying another child. However, it is important to remember that children will face physical challenges as well as confrontation from peers throughout their life, and the park just might be one of the best places for them to begin learning how to deal with such situations in a safe and peaceful manner. What better time is there to learn empathy, self-control, respect, or even the law of gravity!
If you are more like me, and have felt the pressure to act like an "other" while at the park, I invite you to just be honest the next time the situation arises. You will not only be standing up for yourself, but for your children too.
It is a beautiful day...who's up for a trip to the park?
Friday, February 15, 2013
Follow the Child
People, especially new moms, often ask me when it is time to help their children move to a next stage. Be it potty training, eating, sleeping, walking, etc., parents want to know when they should do something to help their child progress.
Isn't it funny how we think we are somehow in control of when our children develop a certain skill or progress to the next stage of development? I guess in a way we are; we can certainly hinder their development by not providing the opportunities of independence and exploration that they need. However, when it comes to pushing them to the next step, we really don't have much influence at all. Maria Montessori figured this out. She proclaimed, we must "follow the child!" As parents or teachers it is our job to follow the child allowing him to develop at his own pace according to his own schedule.
This is difficult, because we feel like it is our job to teach our children. How can we teach them if we are following them? Shouldn't we lead and they follow? If we always lead our children, than all that we can hope for from them is to someday be where we are. Don't we want more for our children? I want my children to know more than I'll ever know and to accomplish more than I will ever accomplish - to reach their fullest potential. Rather than teach them what we know, let's allow them the freedom to surpass even our wildest dreams for them, on their own path and in their own way.
To follow the child successfully we must first prepare their environment. A prepared environment is one that allows the child to follow his inner teacher, to explore things that are of interest to him and to learn through his own endeavors. Children who are allowed to play/work independently without constant instruction and interruption from the adult respond with joy and deep concentration.
A prepared environment for your child will contain: developmentally appropriate toys, real (glass, wood, metal) objects, child-sized tools (utensils, scissors, dishes, etc) and furniture, beautiful things (art, flowers, nature), and a clear and easy to maintain order. The environment will be constantly changing as the child grows - this is where the following comes in. As caregivers we observe the child, and based on those observations, we adapt the environment to meet the child's needs. We don't give him things to do that are senseless and without purpose. We don't give him things that are either so easy that he is bored or so difficult that he is defeated by them. We pay close attention to where he is at, and more importantly, where he is headed, so that we can provide the exact tools he will need. We prepare the environment, and then we step back and give him the freedom required to master a skill or one's self.
In Discovery Of The Child, Maria Montessori wrote, "That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendour during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom."
I encourage you to take some time and follow your child for a change. You might be surprised where he will lead you.
Isn't it funny how we think we are somehow in control of when our children develop a certain skill or progress to the next stage of development? I guess in a way we are; we can certainly hinder their development by not providing the opportunities of independence and exploration that they need. However, when it comes to pushing them to the next step, we really don't have much influence at all. Maria Montessori figured this out. She proclaimed, we must "follow the child!" As parents or teachers it is our job to follow the child allowing him to develop at his own pace according to his own schedule.
This is difficult, because we feel like it is our job to teach our children. How can we teach them if we are following them? Shouldn't we lead and they follow? If we always lead our children, than all that we can hope for from them is to someday be where we are. Don't we want more for our children? I want my children to know more than I'll ever know and to accomplish more than I will ever accomplish - to reach their fullest potential. Rather than teach them what we know, let's allow them the freedom to surpass even our wildest dreams for them, on their own path and in their own way.
To follow the child successfully we must first prepare their environment. A prepared environment is one that allows the child to follow his inner teacher, to explore things that are of interest to him and to learn through his own endeavors. Children who are allowed to play/work independently without constant instruction and interruption from the adult respond with joy and deep concentration.
A prepared environment for your child will contain: developmentally appropriate toys, real (glass, wood, metal) objects, child-sized tools (utensils, scissors, dishes, etc) and furniture, beautiful things (art, flowers, nature), and a clear and easy to maintain order. The environment will be constantly changing as the child grows - this is where the following comes in. As caregivers we observe the child, and based on those observations, we adapt the environment to meet the child's needs. We don't give him things to do that are senseless and without purpose. We don't give him things that are either so easy that he is bored or so difficult that he is defeated by them. We pay close attention to where he is at, and more importantly, where he is headed, so that we can provide the exact tools he will need. We prepare the environment, and then we step back and give him the freedom required to master a skill or one's self.
In Discovery Of The Child, Maria Montessori wrote, "That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendour during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom."
I encourage you to take some time and follow your child for a change. You might be surprised where he will lead you.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Speak Softly
We have come to the end of our first month of 2013. How are all your resolutions coming? So far, so good here!
My parenting resolution this month was Speak Softly. By that I meant that I would not only try to keep my voice quiet, avoid yelling, but also to keep my words soft, by avoiding negative or hurtful words. Children are so sensitive, even the slightest sharp word aimed at a child can be very hurtful. This resolution required me to think or pause before responding to my children. This is easier at some times than others. When, for example, my toddler is dipping his fingers into the gross sludge in the bottom of the dirty dishwasher and then tasting them, it is very hard to pause and then respond calmly, and quietly. Needless to say there were a few days that I didn't feel I could check of this resolution during my nightly resolution assessment. But for the most part this resolution worked.
It is amazing how we can model self-control with our children to teach them to control themselves. When our children see us flip our lids, not only do they often feel very scared, but this teaches them that shouting and loosing control is an appropriate response to anger or stressful situations. When we instead remain calm, we teach self-control and show respect to our children. Sometimes speaking softly meant that I would simply walk away, calm down, and then return to the situation to deal with it more calmly. Other times it meant just letting go, choosing my battles. To my surprise, my children were able to resolve problems on their own, and learn from their experiences without my involvement at all. If I had intervened, especially with anger, I am sure the results would not have been as good.
The biggest surprise for me was how effective just using a calm and quiet tone of voice can be. Even when I was angry or upset with my children, when I kept my voice calm and talked to them softly, I could feel myself calm down much more quickly than if I had yelled and screamed at them.
All in all, this is a resolution that I hope to continue forever. When I spoke softly, I felt like I was being a better parent, I am pretty sure my children appreciated it and they responded by speaking more softly themselves, and I felt like I had an overall sense of peace. In keeping with this idea of what I say to my children, next month my parenting resolution will be to Avoid Nagging!
My parenting resolution this month was Speak Softly. By that I meant that I would not only try to keep my voice quiet, avoid yelling, but also to keep my words soft, by avoiding negative or hurtful words. Children are so sensitive, even the slightest sharp word aimed at a child can be very hurtful. This resolution required me to think or pause before responding to my children. This is easier at some times than others. When, for example, my toddler is dipping his fingers into the gross sludge in the bottom of the dirty dishwasher and then tasting them, it is very hard to pause and then respond calmly, and quietly. Needless to say there were a few days that I didn't feel I could check of this resolution during my nightly resolution assessment. But for the most part this resolution worked.
It is amazing how we can model self-control with our children to teach them to control themselves. When our children see us flip our lids, not only do they often feel very scared, but this teaches them that shouting and loosing control is an appropriate response to anger or stressful situations. When we instead remain calm, we teach self-control and show respect to our children. Sometimes speaking softly meant that I would simply walk away, calm down, and then return to the situation to deal with it more calmly. Other times it meant just letting go, choosing my battles. To my surprise, my children were able to resolve problems on their own, and learn from their experiences without my involvement at all. If I had intervened, especially with anger, I am sure the results would not have been as good.
The biggest surprise for me was how effective just using a calm and quiet tone of voice can be. Even when I was angry or upset with my children, when I kept my voice calm and talked to them softly, I could feel myself calm down much more quickly than if I had yelled and screamed at them.
All in all, this is a resolution that I hope to continue forever. When I spoke softly, I felt like I was being a better parent, I am pretty sure my children appreciated it and they responded by speaking more softly themselves, and I felt like I had an overall sense of peace. In keeping with this idea of what I say to my children, next month my parenting resolution will be to Avoid Nagging!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Still Toileting...
Our little guy is 21 months now. I can honestly say that we are still in the learning phase of the toileting process. He is in cloth underpants during all his waking hours still, and in diapers for sleep. I can't say that I am happy to still be in the midst of this process, but I am not all that surprised either. He has been on a schedule of his own from day one.
Don't get me wrong, things have improved greatly. He now uses words to communicate his need to go, and he even tells us before it happens most times. There are many days, I would say about seven in ten days, that he is completely dry all day. That is to say that we make it to the potty on time every time. These days are usually days that we are not away from the house too much, and when we are out, he is able to use the potty in our van when needed. It really is as simple as getting him to the potty when he needs to go, or when I know he hasn't been in a while. Life often interrupts this simple plan. On the days where we miss the window and he goes in his pants it seems to start a vicious cycle that continues throughout the day. I am not sure why, but it seems like if the timing gets off, then we just can't get back on. It is strange to go from three dry days in a row to a TEN wet underpants day, strange and discouraging. So that is where we are at right now. We have many great days and the occasional terrible day. I am thankful that he is able to tell when he needs to go, and that he feels very comfortable using the potty in the van when we are out.
He is also working really hard this last few weeks on dressing and undressing himself, a crucial part of complete toilet learning. I make sure he wears loose, elastic waste pants that he can pull up and down himself, at least somewhat. He is really interested in practicing this skill and only asks for help when he has really tried hard himself. I am really proud of him and his progress; and I am proud of the rest of the family for the patience and perseverance that is required when toileting. I am sure that it will all just be a memory very soon, so for now I am trying to focus on positive side of it all. Like how many kisses and hugs and sweet words I get while I sit on the floor of the bathroom in front of the potty with my little guy! They really do grow up so fast!
Don't get me wrong, things have improved greatly. He now uses words to communicate his need to go, and he even tells us before it happens most times. There are many days, I would say about seven in ten days, that he is completely dry all day. That is to say that we make it to the potty on time every time. These days are usually days that we are not away from the house too much, and when we are out, he is able to use the potty in our van when needed. It really is as simple as getting him to the potty when he needs to go, or when I know he hasn't been in a while. Life often interrupts this simple plan. On the days where we miss the window and he goes in his pants it seems to start a vicious cycle that continues throughout the day. I am not sure why, but it seems like if the timing gets off, then we just can't get back on. It is strange to go from three dry days in a row to a TEN wet underpants day, strange and discouraging. So that is where we are at right now. We have many great days and the occasional terrible day. I am thankful that he is able to tell when he needs to go, and that he feels very comfortable using the potty in the van when we are out.
He is also working really hard this last few weeks on dressing and undressing himself, a crucial part of complete toilet learning. I make sure he wears loose, elastic waste pants that he can pull up and down himself, at least somewhat. He is really interested in practicing this skill and only asks for help when he has really tried hard himself. I am really proud of him and his progress; and I am proud of the rest of the family for the patience and perseverance that is required when toileting. I am sure that it will all just be a memory very soon, so for now I am trying to focus on positive side of it all. Like how many kisses and hugs and sweet words I get while I sit on the floor of the bathroom in front of the potty with my little guy! They really do grow up so fast!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Resolutions
It seams everyone is making compartmental resolutions this year. I found myself doing it after reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I picked six areas of my life that I will focus on and then pick one specific resolution to work on in each category each month. They will mostly be simple, achievable things that I feel will make myself and the people around me happier or healthier. I have to say healthier, because cutting refined sugar out of our diet this month has not made for very many happy remarks!
One of my areas of focus is Parenting. I will be focusing on one resolution each month that I feel will make me a better parent. Like all the others, these will be fairly easy to do, yet still very impactful. Each month I will share my resolutions and how they are working out. I have taken my ideas from books I have read, other parenting blogs, and my past experiences. Here is my list:
- Speak Softly
- Forgive AND Forget
- Act - Don't React
- Pick My Battles
- Take Care Of Me Too!
- Slow Down
- Play Together
- Create Together
- Avoid Nagging
- Do New Things Together
- Accentuate The Positive
- Give Them My Full Attention
There it is. I will blog about each resolution in detail while I am working on it. Feel free to join me on this journey to being a better parent.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Mirror
The final tool I will write about this year is Mirror. Perfect for the time of year that we are reflecting on the things that we have learned this past year. I am feeling a little sentimental that the year is ending and we will be all finished with our year of tools. But at the same time I am so thrilled with the experience I have had practicing all these tools and sharing them with all of you. It has been a great year for me personal as a parent, and for Positively Montessori. We have gained many new readers, and I am so happy to be reaching a greater audience. I got my Positively Montessori Faceboook page up and running this year too. This has been a great place to share articles that I come across as well as little bits and pieces of my daily interactions with my children. Thank you to everyone who had joined me on this journey. I hope that each of you have gained something that has made you a better parent or teacher.
The tool Mirror is another way for you to invite your children to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. The Tool Card says, : Telling children what you observe is often enough to motivate change." So instead of asking your child to pick her backpack on the floor you could say, "I notice your backpack is laying on the floor in the kitchen." By simply noticing something you give the child the opportunity to come up with a solution and take the course of action that she desires. This can also come in the form of feelings or emotions. "I notice you and your brother are getting upset with each other while trying to play with the new toys." An older child has the ability to take your observation and make a choice to play differently or choose something else to do, to settle or avoid the conflict.
When we keep what we tell them limited to a simple observation we show faith in them and their ability to find a solution. This is respectful to them and you. They are not constantly being told what to do, and you are not always giving orders.
The funny thing is that when you start using this tool, as with many others, your children will begin to use it too. One day my daughter came home from school and instead of telling me that I really need to remember her napkin and spoon in her lunchbox, she said "I noticed that there was no spoon or napkin in my lunch today, so I borrowed one from the school!" I almost laughed out loud when she said it, but then I felt pretty good. Not only had she learned an efficient way of communicating, but she also made me feel encouraged to remedy the problem right away. Where as if she had said, "Mom, you keep forgetting my spoon and napkin, can you please remember tomorrow?" I might not have felt quite a motivated to do something about it, instead I would have probably felt guilty about making the mistake, again!
All 52 Positive Discipline Tools that we practiced this year were helpful in some way. I feel like they have contributed to an atmosphere of respect and love in our home, and taught us all how better to treat others. Thank you again for coming along on this journey with me. I have some fun ideas in mind for the upcoming year and I hope you will stick around to continue learning, growing and laughing with me!
The tool Mirror is another way for you to invite your children to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. The Tool Card says, : Telling children what you observe is often enough to motivate change." So instead of asking your child to pick her backpack on the floor you could say, "I notice your backpack is laying on the floor in the kitchen." By simply noticing something you give the child the opportunity to come up with a solution and take the course of action that she desires. This can also come in the form of feelings or emotions. "I notice you and your brother are getting upset with each other while trying to play with the new toys." An older child has the ability to take your observation and make a choice to play differently or choose something else to do, to settle or avoid the conflict.
When we keep what we tell them limited to a simple observation we show faith in them and their ability to find a solution. This is respectful to them and you. They are not constantly being told what to do, and you are not always giving orders.
The funny thing is that when you start using this tool, as with many others, your children will begin to use it too. One day my daughter came home from school and instead of telling me that I really need to remember her napkin and spoon in her lunchbox, she said "I noticed that there was no spoon or napkin in my lunch today, so I borrowed one from the school!" I almost laughed out loud when she said it, but then I felt pretty good. Not only had she learned an efficient way of communicating, but she also made me feel encouraged to remedy the problem right away. Where as if she had said, "Mom, you keep forgetting my spoon and napkin, can you please remember tomorrow?" I might not have felt quite a motivated to do something about it, instead I would have probably felt guilty about making the mistake, again!
All 52 Positive Discipline Tools that we practiced this year were helpful in some way. I feel like they have contributed to an atmosphere of respect and love in our home, and taught us all how better to treat others. Thank you again for coming along on this journey with me. I have some fun ideas in mind for the upcoming year and I hope you will stick around to continue learning, growing and laughing with me!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Curiosity Questions
Curiosity Questions are yet another way we can empower our children. The Tool Card says, "Asking instead of telling invites children to think and choose."
Although this might not be the first thing way you go about addressing your children, it is a pretty easy thing to implement. While teaching Positive Discipline Parenting classes, I often find that parents respond well to this tool. They often ask me for copies of the examples that we use during the class. While I am happy to send out copies of my questions, I think they are pretty easy to come up with when you practice a little. Right before you tell your child to do something, pause and rephrase what you would like them to do into a question. For example: You see your child's shoes laying in the middle of the kitchen floor and you say, "What could you do with these shoes to make sure that nobody trips over them?"
Instead of constantly telling then what to do, you invite them to take responsibility for themselves and to come up with the plan to do it. Instead of telling them what to wear, ask them "It is going to be cold and rainy today, what could you wear to make sure you are warm?" You empower them to be in charge of themselves. Sometimes they might not make the same decision that you would. This is an opportunity for you to allow them to learn from their mistakes.
At our home we really like to ask our daughter what her plan is to get specific things done. When she comes home from school and spreads her homework out on the dining room table, often ask her what her plan is to get the table ready for dinner. Sometimes she will just start picking up, and other times she will tell me when and how she plans to take care of it. It really works!
However, you have to be careful with this as with all tools, nothing works all the time. This last week I explained this tool to my husband so that he could work with it too. He started using it A LOT. Yesterday, after hearing him ask yet another curiosity question, my daughter said, "Why do you keep asking me all these crazy questions? Can't you just tell me what you want me to do!" Hahaha! I had to laugh, then I thought about it, and realized that when we are trying too hard and not being genuin our children can tell.
I invite you to try this tool, just don't use it too much. Like I always say, "too much of anything, even a good thing, is bad."
Although this might not be the first thing way you go about addressing your children, it is a pretty easy thing to implement. While teaching Positive Discipline Parenting classes, I often find that parents respond well to this tool. They often ask me for copies of the examples that we use during the class. While I am happy to send out copies of my questions, I think they are pretty easy to come up with when you practice a little. Right before you tell your child to do something, pause and rephrase what you would like them to do into a question. For example: You see your child's shoes laying in the middle of the kitchen floor and you say, "What could you do with these shoes to make sure that nobody trips over them?"
Instead of constantly telling then what to do, you invite them to take responsibility for themselves and to come up with the plan to do it. Instead of telling them what to wear, ask them "It is going to be cold and rainy today, what could you wear to make sure you are warm?" You empower them to be in charge of themselves. Sometimes they might not make the same decision that you would. This is an opportunity for you to allow them to learn from their mistakes.
At our home we really like to ask our daughter what her plan is to get specific things done. When she comes home from school and spreads her homework out on the dining room table, often ask her what her plan is to get the table ready for dinner. Sometimes she will just start picking up, and other times she will tell me when and how she plans to take care of it. It really works!
However, you have to be careful with this as with all tools, nothing works all the time. This last week I explained this tool to my husband so that he could work with it too. He started using it A LOT. Yesterday, after hearing him ask yet another curiosity question, my daughter said, "Why do you keep asking me all these crazy questions? Can't you just tell me what you want me to do!" Hahaha! I had to laugh, then I thought about it, and realized that when we are trying too hard and not being genuin our children can tell.
I invite you to try this tool, just don't use it too much. Like I always say, "too much of anything, even a good thing, is bad."
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Limited Choices
Maria Montessori said, "Choice and execution are the prerogatives and conquests of a liberated soul."
When we give children choices, we empower them. Choices give children control over their lives and teaches independence. Choices free up parents from ordering and nagging. Choices free children from our constraints. Choices make life interesting.
While giving choices to children is a wonderful tool, it only works if you limit the choices that you offer. The extent of the limits is based on the age of the child. The younger the child the narrower the choices. For example: You would like your two year old to put away his toy car. You say, "would you like to carry your car to your room in your hands or in your clean up basket?" To ask your six year old to complete the same task you might say, "would you like to put your car in your room now or after dinner?"
As you can see, there is no choice given to not do what you are asking them to do. You are simply giving them the opportunity to choose how they would like to accomplish the job. Notice that you don't give them the opportunity to say no, their only choice is to do what you want them to do, but at the same time they feel as though they are in charge of that decision.
Not only do you limit the spectrum of the choices, but you limit the amount of choices as well. A two year old may be able to pick between two shirts to wear in the morning, where as a four year old can choose between three or four, and a six year old can choose from her closet full of clothes.
When you offer choices rather than open ended questions you allow your children to learn how to make successful decisions. If I ask my toddler what he wants for lunch he will say "umm". He will then either choose yogurt (every single day), or continue to say "umm" until I give him a couple choices.
Choices can also make not so fun tasks more fun. For example: To get your four year old to put his toys away you might ask "Would you like to pick up while we sing the clean up song, or while pretend we are monkeys." Adding a silly choice will almost always ensure buy in and make things more fun for everyone.
While it may take more time for you to think of a couple creative choices the next time you would like your child to do something, why not give it a try. In the end it will most likely save time, and make parenting easier and more fun.
When we give children choices, we empower them. Choices give children control over their lives and teaches independence. Choices free up parents from ordering and nagging. Choices free children from our constraints. Choices make life interesting.
While giving choices to children is a wonderful tool, it only works if you limit the choices that you offer. The extent of the limits is based on the age of the child. The younger the child the narrower the choices. For example: You would like your two year old to put away his toy car. You say, "would you like to carry your car to your room in your hands or in your clean up basket?" To ask your six year old to complete the same task you might say, "would you like to put your car in your room now or after dinner?"
As you can see, there is no choice given to not do what you are asking them to do. You are simply giving them the opportunity to choose how they would like to accomplish the job. Notice that you don't give them the opportunity to say no, their only choice is to do what you want them to do, but at the same time they feel as though they are in charge of that decision.
Not only do you limit the spectrum of the choices, but you limit the amount of choices as well. A two year old may be able to pick between two shirts to wear in the morning, where as a four year old can choose between three or four, and a six year old can choose from her closet full of clothes.
When you offer choices rather than open ended questions you allow your children to learn how to make successful decisions. If I ask my toddler what he wants for lunch he will say "umm". He will then either choose yogurt (every single day), or continue to say "umm" until I give him a couple choices.
Choices can also make not so fun tasks more fun. For example: To get your four year old to put his toys away you might ask "Would you like to pick up while we sing the clean up song, or while pretend we are monkeys." Adding a silly choice will almost always ensure buy in and make things more fun for everyone.
While it may take more time for you to think of a couple creative choices the next time you would like your child to do something, why not give it a try. In the end it will most likely save time, and make parenting easier and more fun.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Encouragement vs. Praise
One of my favorite tools to teach in parenting/teacher Positive Discipline classes is Encouragement vs. Praise. A close look at the difference between the two strategies and how to use them can be very eye opening for many people.
We live in a world that is FILLED with praise. There seems to be this idea that if we tell children how great they are all the time, then they will grow up to be great adults! We want to encourage our children, but instead we often end up praising them and robbing them of their accomplishment and self-worth.
Some people don't know the difference between Encouragement and Praise. Encouragement provides children with the opportunity to develop an "I am capable" perception. Praise creates approval junkies who only attempt things they know they will succeed at to avoid making mistakes or not receiving praise. Alfie Kohn writes about the importance of avoiding praise and rewards in many of his books, and this article. When we constantly cheer our children on, praise them at every turn, and tell them how good they are, we make them dependent on our approval and fearful of not getting it. I remember Jane Nelson saying that we should think of encouragement like water, something children need everyday, and Praise like candy, a treat that we only give every so often, knowing that it isn't really that good for them.
In my daughter's 1st grade class there are four separate reward systems that are built into the classroom "discipline" program. They get "terrific tickets" whenever they demonstrate the pillars of character that they are learning about. These tickets can be used to buy stuff like toys, books, and candy in the "terrific store". They have a marble jar, that gets marbles put in it any time the entire class does good. Whatever that means, I am not quite sure. When the jar is filled they get to have a pizza party. The children are seated in groups of five and each group gets points on the board when they are good. The group with the most points at the end of the week gets to go to the treasure chest and get a toy. There are also behavior cards that get moved from one color to another if they are not behaving as desired by the teacher. At the end of the week the children come home with a paper describing the status of their card all week. Parents are then encouraged to reward them for good weeks and address the alternative. They also get smiley faces and stars on classwork done correctly and stickers when they are good during their special classes. Parent volunteers are encouraged to tell the children that they are doing a "good job" and report back to the teacher when the children they are working with are "good"! No, I am not exaggerating. Oh how I wish I could explain the benefits of encouragement rather than praise to the entire staff at her school. It seems to be a school wide program, and it makes me cringe every time I hear about it.
According to Rudolph Driekers, encouragement recognizes the doer not the deed. Instead of "good boy", or "great job", a parent could say, "I see you put a lot of effort into that", or "wow, you must be proud of yourself." Jane Nelson outlines five questions you can ask yourself to discover whether you are being encouraging to your children. Allowing your children to self-evaluate, learn from their own mistakes, and feel pride in what they accomplish will go a long way toward helping them grow into self-confident adults.
We live in a world that is FILLED with praise. There seems to be this idea that if we tell children how great they are all the time, then they will grow up to be great adults! We want to encourage our children, but instead we often end up praising them and robbing them of their accomplishment and self-worth.
Some people don't know the difference between Encouragement and Praise. Encouragement provides children with the opportunity to develop an "I am capable" perception. Praise creates approval junkies who only attempt things they know they will succeed at to avoid making mistakes or not receiving praise. Alfie Kohn writes about the importance of avoiding praise and rewards in many of his books, and this article. When we constantly cheer our children on, praise them at every turn, and tell them how good they are, we make them dependent on our approval and fearful of not getting it. I remember Jane Nelson saying that we should think of encouragement like water, something children need everyday, and Praise like candy, a treat that we only give every so often, knowing that it isn't really that good for them.
In my daughter's 1st grade class there are four separate reward systems that are built into the classroom "discipline" program. They get "terrific tickets" whenever they demonstrate the pillars of character that they are learning about. These tickets can be used to buy stuff like toys, books, and candy in the "terrific store". They have a marble jar, that gets marbles put in it any time the entire class does good. Whatever that means, I am not quite sure. When the jar is filled they get to have a pizza party. The children are seated in groups of five and each group gets points on the board when they are good. The group with the most points at the end of the week gets to go to the treasure chest and get a toy. There are also behavior cards that get moved from one color to another if they are not behaving as desired by the teacher. At the end of the week the children come home with a paper describing the status of their card all week. Parents are then encouraged to reward them for good weeks and address the alternative. They also get smiley faces and stars on classwork done correctly and stickers when they are good during their special classes. Parent volunteers are encouraged to tell the children that they are doing a "good job" and report back to the teacher when the children they are working with are "good"! No, I am not exaggerating. Oh how I wish I could explain the benefits of encouragement rather than praise to the entire staff at her school. It seems to be a school wide program, and it makes me cringe every time I hear about it.
According to Rudolph Driekers, encouragement recognizes the doer not the deed. Instead of "good boy", or "great job", a parent could say, "I see you put a lot of effort into that", or "wow, you must be proud of yourself." Jane Nelson outlines five questions you can ask yourself to discover whether you are being encouraging to your children. Allowing your children to self-evaluate, learn from their own mistakes, and feel pride in what they accomplish will go a long way toward helping them grow into self-confident adults.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Anger Wheel of Choice
Anger is one of the many emotions that we, humans, experience from time to time. It is a perfectly normal and healthy response to various situations that we are confronted with. The problem with anger is not that we feel it, it is that we aren't always the best at dealing with and expressing it appropriately. The Positive Discipline Tool: Anger Wheel of Choice can help.
The idea is to help your children learn that all feelings are okay, they just need to learn how to deal with them. During a peaceful moment, introduce the anger wheel of choice. You can use the free download here, or use it a an outline for you and your older child to come up with things that work for them. The next time that your child gets angry, invite him to use the wheel of choice to find an outlet that works for him.
We used an old spinner from a board game to make ours. Our, then 5 year old, daughter came up with her own tools for dealing with anger. They are: Read a book in bed, listen to music, draw or write about feelings, put it on the family meeting agenda, or have a hug. We also created a place in her room that she calls her peaceful corner. She has a giant teddy bear for sitting on and snuggling with, some beautiful pictures and a sound machine to listen to southing sounds. When she starts to get angry I can ask her if she would like to spin the anger wheel or take a Positive Time-out in her peaceful corner.
As with all the other tools, this only works some of the time. Sometimes it seems to make her more angry, but others it really, really, works, and when it does it is so great! Even if it only works one in ten times, I think it is worth it. Keep offering, if nothing else it is a way for you to consistently remind your child which responses to anger are appropriate and which aren't. This is a gift that can take them very far in life. Immagine if we all had the ability to deal with feelings in a peaceful and rational manner. It reminds me of something Montessori said, "Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war." That is to say, peace is an action we can teach/model, while war and conflict are emotional reactions. Let's teach peace!
The idea is to help your children learn that all feelings are okay, they just need to learn how to deal with them. During a peaceful moment, introduce the anger wheel of choice. You can use the free download here, or use it a an outline for you and your older child to come up with things that work for them. The next time that your child gets angry, invite him to use the wheel of choice to find an outlet that works for him.
We used an old spinner from a board game to make ours. Our, then 5 year old, daughter came up with her own tools for dealing with anger. They are: Read a book in bed, listen to music, draw or write about feelings, put it on the family meeting agenda, or have a hug. We also created a place in her room that she calls her peaceful corner. She has a giant teddy bear for sitting on and snuggling with, some beautiful pictures and a sound machine to listen to southing sounds. When she starts to get angry I can ask her if she would like to spin the anger wheel or take a Positive Time-out in her peaceful corner.
As with all the other tools, this only works some of the time. Sometimes it seems to make her more angry, but others it really, really, works, and when it does it is so great! Even if it only works one in ten times, I think it is worth it. Keep offering, if nothing else it is a way for you to consistently remind your child which responses to anger are appropriate and which aren't. This is a gift that can take them very far in life. Immagine if we all had the ability to deal with feelings in a peaceful and rational manner. It reminds me of something Montessori said, "Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war." That is to say, peace is an action we can teach/model, while war and conflict are emotional reactions. Let's teach peace!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Avoid Pampering
The Positive Discipline Tool Avoid Pampering has to be one of my favorite tools. And while it sounds pretty easy, I think many parents might find this the hardest tool to stick with. The tool card says: Parents make a mistake when they pamper in the name of love.
I have made myself heard on this topic in the past, here and here. Maria Montessori made it clear that when we do something for a child that he is capable of doing, we are putting up an obstacle in the way of his development. I believe this wholeheartedly. Children learn to be capable and self confident by doing things for themselves, making mistakes, struggling and facing challenges.
To avoid pampering does not mean that you withhold love or affection. Tell your children you love them, hug them daily, and encourage them, just don't help them when they don't need help. Don't rescue them when they don't need rescuing, and don't tell them what to do when they can figure it out on their own. Yes, even telling them what to do next is pampering. Here are two examples a bit of a morning routine with a 2 year old.
Example A: Mother says, "Let's go. It is time to go to grandma's house. Let's go get your shoes and sock." Mother grabs shoes and socks while holding the toddler's hand. "Let's put your shoes on." Mother puts the shoes and socks on. "Okay, lets go get in the car." Mother picks up the child and puts him in his car seat, and buckles the car seat. Off they go!
Example B: Mother says, "It's time to go to grandmas house. You need to wear shoes and socks, please." Toddler goes to grab his socks, brings them to his mother. Mother says, "I see you found your socks, please put them on." Toddler tries to put the socks on and then asks "help, please" when he gets to a point of frustration. Mother helps as little as possible to help him get the socks on. Mother says, "What d you still need?" Toddler looks at his feet and says, "shoes!" He runs off to find his shoes. Mother allows him to attempt to put his on shoes, and helps when necessary. Mother says, "Okay, you are already. Let's get in the car." Mother allows toddler to try to climb in the car and into his seat. She then allows him to attempt the buckles, and helps when needed. Off they go!
The difference between A and B, besides the amount of time it took to get to the point of leaving, is that the mom in B did not pamper the child. She allowed him to do what he could on his own, and by doing so, conveyed the message that he is capable. This kind of experience is possible when you Take Time for Training, and plan ahead. When children know how to do what is expected of them you can show faith in them. Planning ahead means allowing time for children to do things at their own pace, without feeling rushed. Things will not always go this smoothly, and some days your child will actually need more help than others. That is okay too. Some days we all need a little extra help!
At the same time, and for as much as I push for parents to give their children the chance to grow and experience things on their own, I also think it is important to mention the concept: Acts of Service.
One of the 5 Love Languages, as described by author Dr. Gary Chapman, is Acts of Service. Many people feel loved when other people do things for them, and in turn feel that they can best express love by doing for others. This happens to be my love language. When my husband makes the bed before going to work, and washes diapers without me having to even ask, I feel love. This may sound silly to someone who has a different love language. I encourage you to read about the love languages.
Performing an act of service is not only a love language, it is a valuable aspect of humanity, and therefore something that we need tom model for our children. I am not giving you the go ahead to wait on your children hand and foot, but doing something for them or others around them as an act of service is an important virtue to share with them. Balance my friends, it always comes down to balance. Teach your children to love in all the love languages, but try to allow them to do things for themselves too.
I have made myself heard on this topic in the past, here and here. Maria Montessori made it clear that when we do something for a child that he is capable of doing, we are putting up an obstacle in the way of his development. I believe this wholeheartedly. Children learn to be capable and self confident by doing things for themselves, making mistakes, struggling and facing challenges.
To avoid pampering does not mean that you withhold love or affection. Tell your children you love them, hug them daily, and encourage them, just don't help them when they don't need help. Don't rescue them when they don't need rescuing, and don't tell them what to do when they can figure it out on their own. Yes, even telling them what to do next is pampering. Here are two examples a bit of a morning routine with a 2 year old.
Example A: Mother says, "Let's go. It is time to go to grandma's house. Let's go get your shoes and sock." Mother grabs shoes and socks while holding the toddler's hand. "Let's put your shoes on." Mother puts the shoes and socks on. "Okay, lets go get in the car." Mother picks up the child and puts him in his car seat, and buckles the car seat. Off they go!
Example B: Mother says, "It's time to go to grandmas house. You need to wear shoes and socks, please." Toddler goes to grab his socks, brings them to his mother. Mother says, "I see you found your socks, please put them on." Toddler tries to put the socks on and then asks "help, please" when he gets to a point of frustration. Mother helps as little as possible to help him get the socks on. Mother says, "What d you still need?" Toddler looks at his feet and says, "shoes!" He runs off to find his shoes. Mother allows him to attempt to put his on shoes, and helps when necessary. Mother says, "Okay, you are already. Let's get in the car." Mother allows toddler to try to climb in the car and into his seat. She then allows him to attempt the buckles, and helps when needed. Off they go!
The difference between A and B, besides the amount of time it took to get to the point of leaving, is that the mom in B did not pamper the child. She allowed him to do what he could on his own, and by doing so, conveyed the message that he is capable. This kind of experience is possible when you Take Time for Training, and plan ahead. When children know how to do what is expected of them you can show faith in them. Planning ahead means allowing time for children to do things at their own pace, without feeling rushed. Things will not always go this smoothly, and some days your child will actually need more help than others. That is okay too. Some days we all need a little extra help!
At the same time, and for as much as I push for parents to give their children the chance to grow and experience things on their own, I also think it is important to mention the concept: Acts of Service.
One of the 5 Love Languages, as described by author Dr. Gary Chapman, is Acts of Service. Many people feel loved when other people do things for them, and in turn feel that they can best express love by doing for others. This happens to be my love language. When my husband makes the bed before going to work, and washes diapers without me having to even ask, I feel love. This may sound silly to someone who has a different love language. I encourage you to read about the love languages.
Performing an act of service is not only a love language, it is a valuable aspect of humanity, and therefore something that we need tom model for our children. I am not giving you the go ahead to wait on your children hand and foot, but doing something for them or others around them as an act of service is an important virtue to share with them. Balance my friends, it always comes down to balance. Teach your children to love in all the love languages, but try to allow them to do things for themselves too.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Break The Code
The idea behind the Positive Discipline Tool Break The Code is that children make decisions about themselves and how they will act based on how they feel and what they believe about themselves.
This isn't a quick and easy tool to apply. This one requires some time, observation and self reflection. Basically, you look at a specific behavior of your child's that you find troubling, reflect on how it makes you feel, then use the Mistaken Goals Chart to identify what belief is behind your child's behavior, and what you can do encourage the behavior to change. Take a look at Jane Nelson's blog on this tool, it goes over the process in great detail!
Here is a look at one of my experiences with this.
My husband, who just had come home from work, gets out his laptop to send an email for work. Our daughter comes over and puts something in front of the screen for him to see, or turns the computer off, or starts bouncing on the couch next to him. This scenario happens frequently. I ask him if he is willing to take a look at this problem with me . Later we have this discussion:
Me: How do you feel when this happens?
Husband: Annoyed, frustrated and a little guilty. Mostly annoyed.
Me: Ok. What do you usually do about it?
Husband: Ask her to stop, tell her that I am almost finished, plead with her to just be patient.
Me: Then what happens?
Husband: She usually keeps doing it, or stops for a second and then starts doing something else to
annoy me.
Me: How do you think that you would feel if you were in her shoes?
Husband: Well, I understand that she just wants to see me, but sometimes I just need to do something
quickly.
Me: Ok, but if you think from her perspective, how would you feel?
Husband: Sad :(
Me: Ok, and what do you think you would decide to do?
Husband: I don't know, probably just keep doing it until he paid attention to me, or do something else
that would make him pay attention to me.
Me: Well, I think that it is clear that she is acting out because of Undue Attention. Let's look at the
chart together and decide what you will do next time
Together we decide that next time he will pause what he is doing and tell her "I love you and I promise that we will get to have our special time tonight right after dinner, and you can tell me al about your day then".
Fortunately, we had already discussed the need for special time and had arranged for that in our daily schedule. All it took was taking a moment to explain that he has a quick thing to do, but that he does love her and they will get to have their special time. What first looked like "misbehavior", was identified as Undue Attention. Using the Mistaken goal chart made it easy for us to find solutions we could try.
I think part of what makes this chart work best is having two people to share in this dialogue. It is possible to do it yourself, but if you have a spouse, partner, coworker etc. that you could go through it with, it makes is a more valuable experience.
I encourage you to try using this idea that there is a belief behind your child's behavior, and when you discover what it is it will be much easier to reach out to them and change the behavior.
This isn't a quick and easy tool to apply. This one requires some time, observation and self reflection. Basically, you look at a specific behavior of your child's that you find troubling, reflect on how it makes you feel, then use the Mistaken Goals Chart to identify what belief is behind your child's behavior, and what you can do encourage the behavior to change. Take a look at Jane Nelson's blog on this tool, it goes over the process in great detail!
Here is a look at one of my experiences with this.
My husband, who just had come home from work, gets out his laptop to send an email for work. Our daughter comes over and puts something in front of the screen for him to see, or turns the computer off, or starts bouncing on the couch next to him. This scenario happens frequently. I ask him if he is willing to take a look at this problem with me . Later we have this discussion:
Me: How do you feel when this happens?
Husband: Annoyed, frustrated and a little guilty. Mostly annoyed.
Me: Ok. What do you usually do about it?
Husband: Ask her to stop, tell her that I am almost finished, plead with her to just be patient.
Me: Then what happens?
Husband: She usually keeps doing it, or stops for a second and then starts doing something else to
annoy me.
Me: How do you think that you would feel if you were in her shoes?
Husband: Well, I understand that she just wants to see me, but sometimes I just need to do something
quickly.
Me: Ok, but if you think from her perspective, how would you feel?
Husband: Sad :(
Me: Ok, and what do you think you would decide to do?
Husband: I don't know, probably just keep doing it until he paid attention to me, or do something else
that would make him pay attention to me.
Me: Well, I think that it is clear that she is acting out because of Undue Attention. Let's look at the
chart together and decide what you will do next time
Together we decide that next time he will pause what he is doing and tell her "I love you and I promise that we will get to have our special time tonight right after dinner, and you can tell me al about your day then".
Fortunately, we had already discussed the need for special time and had arranged for that in our daily schedule. All it took was taking a moment to explain that he has a quick thing to do, but that he does love her and they will get to have their special time. What first looked like "misbehavior", was identified as Undue Attention. Using the Mistaken goal chart made it easy for us to find solutions we could try.
I think part of what makes this chart work best is having two people to share in this dialogue. It is possible to do it yourself, but if you have a spouse, partner, coworker etc. that you could go through it with, it makes is a more valuable experience.
I encourage you to try using this idea that there is a belief behind your child's behavior, and when you discover what it is it will be much easier to reach out to them and change the behavior.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Show Faith
Show Faith is the Positive Discipline tool we are looking at this week. The Tool Card says "When we show faith in our children they develop courage and faith in themselves.
For me there are two aspects to this tool. The first, and most obvious, is to be used in an encouraging way. Telling your children that you believe in them and know that they can do whatever it is that they are attempting gives them the confidence to go forward. When they are faced with challenges, having faith in them allows them to face the tough stuff head on with courage. My parents were great at this. I never once thought that there was anything that I wasn't capable of doing. They gave me confidence by believing in me 100%.
The second, and not so easy use, is to be used when our children are dealing with problems, conflict, loss, or failure. To have faith at these times can be more difficult. You are not necessarily telling them that you know they can do it, because they may be in a situation where they can't. They might lose the game, or fail a test, or fight with a friend, or get into trouble with an authority. These are typical problems that all children will face at some point. It may be at the park when another child steals their toys, or in middle school when another guy steals their girlfriend. It may be due to a bad decision that they made, even after you showed your faith in them to make the right one. Bad things happen, on occasion, to EVERYONE. Life is not meant to be about avoiding all possibile mistakes or troubles, it is meant to be about learning and growing from those that you do face.
When we rescue our children, instead of letting them face their problems head on, we are not allowing them to develop the skills that are necessary to deal with hardships. Writing a note to the teacher when your child doesn't do his homework isn't helping the child. Standing up to another child who is not being as kind to your child as you would like does not help your child. As Jane Nelson always says, "Children need to develop their disappointment muscles." When your children face disappointment, they have the opportunity to learn from it.
I am not saying that you should completely abandon your children in their time of need. Instead of rescuing them, trying to fix their problem, or even worse lecturing them about their mistake, you could let them know that you have faith in them to handle the situation. You can show compassion, they learn this from you too. Tell them that you can understand how they are feeling. Share stories of when you have faced a similar situation, or just offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Being there lets them know that you believe they are strong enough to overcome the obstacle. Show your faith in them and allow them to learn, grow, and most importantly have faith in themselves!
For me there are two aspects to this tool. The first, and most obvious, is to be used in an encouraging way. Telling your children that you believe in them and know that they can do whatever it is that they are attempting gives them the confidence to go forward. When they are faced with challenges, having faith in them allows them to face the tough stuff head on with courage. My parents were great at this. I never once thought that there was anything that I wasn't capable of doing. They gave me confidence by believing in me 100%.
The second, and not so easy use, is to be used when our children are dealing with problems, conflict, loss, or failure. To have faith at these times can be more difficult. You are not necessarily telling them that you know they can do it, because they may be in a situation where they can't. They might lose the game, or fail a test, or fight with a friend, or get into trouble with an authority. These are typical problems that all children will face at some point. It may be at the park when another child steals their toys, or in middle school when another guy steals their girlfriend. It may be due to a bad decision that they made, even after you showed your faith in them to make the right one. Bad things happen, on occasion, to EVERYONE. Life is not meant to be about avoiding all possibile mistakes or troubles, it is meant to be about learning and growing from those that you do face.
When we rescue our children, instead of letting them face their problems head on, we are not allowing them to develop the skills that are necessary to deal with hardships. Writing a note to the teacher when your child doesn't do his homework isn't helping the child. Standing up to another child who is not being as kind to your child as you would like does not help your child. As Jane Nelson always says, "Children need to develop their disappointment muscles." When your children face disappointment, they have the opportunity to learn from it.
I am not saying that you should completely abandon your children in their time of need. Instead of rescuing them, trying to fix their problem, or even worse lecturing them about their mistake, you could let them know that you have faith in them to handle the situation. You can show compassion, they learn this from you too. Tell them that you can understand how they are feeling. Share stories of when you have faced a similar situation, or just offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Being there lets them know that you believe they are strong enough to overcome the obstacle. Show your faith in them and allow them to learn, grow, and most importantly have faith in themselves!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
One Word
The Positive Discipline Tool we are working on is One Word. This one is simple; instead of using lecturing and nagging, use a one word reminder.
To be honest, this reminder couldn't have come at a better time for me. Recently I have found myself going on and on with my children. While this is not effective with a six year old, you can only imagine how well it works on an 18 month old.
Here are a couple examples of one word working out much better then many.
My six year old comes home from school each day, has a snack, then does some homework, or self directed writing/coloring at the dining room table. I cook dinner at the same time. Once she is finished, she needs to clear her snack items away, and put her homework and writing/coloring materials away. If she does not put her things away, then we are not able to set the table and have dinner. We have discussed this at length and she understands what needs to be done. I have also taken time for training, so she knows how to clean up after her snack and put her things away properly. For the last week month, I have been having to remind her over and over again, as I find her off playing while the table is still a mess and it is time to set it for dinner. I found myself going on and on with lengthy explanations, something like this, "If you leave things out on the table there is a chance that dinner could spill on your work and then it would be ruined, and if you don't get everything put away, then we have to spend time putting it away when dinner is already ready and our food will get cold and we will end up eating dinner later, and that will cut into your special time with daddy..." It is exhausting just typing all these words! Imagine hearing it over and over. I would tune me out for sure. This week I decided to try one word. On Monday when she walked away from the messy table, I said "table"! She "hmphhhed" and cleaned it up! Tuesday went about the same and the rest of the eek she either cleaned up without a reminder or did so pleasantly when reminded!
My 18 month old loves to climb. Now that he has mastered climbing up onto the couch, he enjoys standing up, jumping, and running on the couch. This does not work for me, because if he were to fall off he would most likely hit the edge of a table and get very hurt, and because couches are for sitting. We try to avoid using negative language with him. Instead of constantly saying things like, "no", "don't", "stop", etc, we try to tell him what we would like him to do. When he climbs onto the couch and stands up, we say, "please sit down", "put your feet on the floor", or "the couch is for sitting". Let me just tell you, once you have said one or two of these phrases 17 times in the matter of a few minutes, you get sick of hearing yourself speak. While we often have to distract and redirect, our toddler at this age, I thought I would give One Word a try with him too. On a few occasions, as soon as he stood up on the couch, I said "sit"! To my surprise it did work a few times. If I followed that up with a distraction, such as a book to look at on the couch, he often stayed sitting for a bit.
Of course no tool works all the time, but if you find your self really harping on one specific thing frequently, and you know that your child understands what is expected and is capable of doing it, try One Word. You just might be surprised with its simplicity and effectiveness! It is easier for you and more respectful to your child then lecturing.
To be honest, this reminder couldn't have come at a better time for me. Recently I have found myself going on and on with my children. While this is not effective with a six year old, you can only imagine how well it works on an 18 month old.
Here are a couple examples of one word working out much better then many.
My six year old comes home from school each day, has a snack, then does some homework, or self directed writing/coloring at the dining room table. I cook dinner at the same time. Once she is finished, she needs to clear her snack items away, and put her homework and writing/coloring materials away. If she does not put her things away, then we are not able to set the table and have dinner. We have discussed this at length and she understands what needs to be done. I have also taken time for training, so she knows how to clean up after her snack and put her things away properly. For the last week month, I have been having to remind her over and over again, as I find her off playing while the table is still a mess and it is time to set it for dinner. I found myself going on and on with lengthy explanations, something like this, "If you leave things out on the table there is a chance that dinner could spill on your work and then it would be ruined, and if you don't get everything put away, then we have to spend time putting it away when dinner is already ready and our food will get cold and we will end up eating dinner later, and that will cut into your special time with daddy..." It is exhausting just typing all these words! Imagine hearing it over and over. I would tune me out for sure. This week I decided to try one word. On Monday when she walked away from the messy table, I said "table"! She "hmphhhed" and cleaned it up! Tuesday went about the same and the rest of the eek she either cleaned up without a reminder or did so pleasantly when reminded!
My 18 month old loves to climb. Now that he has mastered climbing up onto the couch, he enjoys standing up, jumping, and running on the couch. This does not work for me, because if he were to fall off he would most likely hit the edge of a table and get very hurt, and because couches are for sitting. We try to avoid using negative language with him. Instead of constantly saying things like, "no", "don't", "stop", etc, we try to tell him what we would like him to do. When he climbs onto the couch and stands up, we say, "please sit down", "put your feet on the floor", or "the couch is for sitting". Let me just tell you, once you have said one or two of these phrases 17 times in the matter of a few minutes, you get sick of hearing yourself speak. While we often have to distract and redirect, our toddler at this age, I thought I would give One Word a try with him too. On a few occasions, as soon as he stood up on the couch, I said "sit"! To my surprise it did work a few times. If I followed that up with a distraction, such as a book to look at on the couch, he often stayed sitting for a bit.
Of course no tool works all the time, but if you find your self really harping on one specific thing frequently, and you know that your child understands what is expected and is capable of doing it, try One Word. You just might be surprised with its simplicity and effectiveness! It is easier for you and more respectful to your child then lecturing.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Closet Listening
Closet listening is a valuable Positive Discipline tool for bringing yourself into your child's world. The idea is that you take some time regularly to spend some time in close proximity to your child without an agenda or conversation directed at them. If your child talk, just listen without judgement, or approval or criticism.
As children get older, they begin to have more and more of a life independent of their parents. When we question them about this aspect of their life, even in a friendly way, they are often reluctant to open up and share great detail. My 6 year old is already demonstrating some of this. When we ask her questions about school, friends, play dates, etc. we are often given one word answers. Sometimes when I pick her up from school I feel like a detective trying to get some clues out of her regarding her day. I sometimes find myself telling her that I want to hear about her day and then I think she feels obligated to tell me something even if she didn't really feel like sharing.
Other times my husband or I will try to make conversation with her at dinner by asking about specific parts of her day. If we accidentally get the name of something or someone wrong she seems really irritated. I guess a little less talking and more listening would serve us well in this situation.
The other day when I picked her up from school, I decided not to ask anything other than, "How was your day?" As we walked she sand some songs, asked what was for dinner and then skipped along quietly. When we got home she sat down at the dinner table to work on her homework while I prepped some things for dinner very nearby in the kitchen. It was only about five minutes before she started telling me all about her day. She shared much more than I usually get from her during my usual after school interview. What a difference!
This is a simple tool, but I can see how this could be very effective as my children grow more and more independent. When they feel as though they are in control of the conversation, they feel less interrogated and more like a respected member of the family. In the end we are all happier, we get the info we want and our children feel respected and safe in sharing with us, knowing we aren't judging them.
As children get older, they begin to have more and more of a life independent of their parents. When we question them about this aspect of their life, even in a friendly way, they are often reluctant to open up and share great detail. My 6 year old is already demonstrating some of this. When we ask her questions about school, friends, play dates, etc. we are often given one word answers. Sometimes when I pick her up from school I feel like a detective trying to get some clues out of her regarding her day. I sometimes find myself telling her that I want to hear about her day and then I think she feels obligated to tell me something even if she didn't really feel like sharing.
Other times my husband or I will try to make conversation with her at dinner by asking about specific parts of her day. If we accidentally get the name of something or someone wrong she seems really irritated. I guess a little less talking and more listening would serve us well in this situation.
The other day when I picked her up from school, I decided not to ask anything other than, "How was your day?" As we walked she sand some songs, asked what was for dinner and then skipped along quietly. When we got home she sat down at the dinner table to work on her homework while I prepped some things for dinner very nearby in the kitchen. It was only about five minutes before she started telling me all about her day. She shared much more than I usually get from her during my usual after school interview. What a difference!
This is a simple tool, but I can see how this could be very effective as my children grow more and more independent. When they feel as though they are in control of the conversation, they feel less interrogated and more like a respected member of the family. In the end we are all happier, we get the info we want and our children feel respected and safe in sharing with us, knowing we aren't judging them.
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