The Positive Discipline Tool we worked with this week was Mistakes. The point of this tools is to use mistakes as opportunities to learn. Instead of making children feel bad for making mistakes, parents should try to encourage them to look at the mistake and why or how it happened to learn from it.
This is something that we try to do in our house anyway, so this week was just a nice reminder that mistakes are good things. The important thing about mistakes being good things is that they don't have to be bad things. That is a very helpful realization in many ways.
The first good thing that comes from treating mistakes in a positive way, is that it makes it a lot easier to let go of the mistake. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my daughter responds very well to my maintaining a calm demeanor. When mistakes happen, and we approach them with excitement to learn or laughter we both reamin more calm and our home more peaceful. We learn what we can from the mistake and then move on, no dwelling on it and feeling sorry for ourselves or angry with others.
The other great thing about being able to laugh at your own mistakes is the lesson in humility that it teaches every time. Let's be real, we all make mistakes, no one is perfect or even close, so there is really no reason to pretend to be in front of our children. When children learn that mistakes are ok, then they know that they are also ok. No need for shame or regret to enter into the equation, just laugh, learn and move on.
It is a pretty simple idea that may take some practice if it is not what you are used to doing. Once you get the hang of it you will probably notice a lot more peace and a lot less frustration from the little people in your life who are truly learning every moment of every day. Make what they learn be something good!
Next week we will take a look at: The Three R's of Recovery!
humility - learning to not be perfect
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Jobs
Our tool this week is Jobs! For me, jobs and chores have basically the same meaning, but if you think of chores as something that your child does in exchange for money than maybe thinking of jobs as something different will help you implement this new idea. Jobs are age appropriate tasks tat children perform to contribute to the family. Everyone benefits from these jobs. Children learn life skills, everyone shares the load of keeping up the home, and children feel capable and needed.
The first step in creating a job routine in your home is to, along with the help of your children, identify the jobs that need to be done and those which are do-able for them. Once you have all agreed on the jobs that your children will be responsible for you need to develop a plan for when and how they will get done. There are many options for this including: chore charts, wheel of jobs with a spinner or a drawing jobs from a hat. The next step goes back a couple weeks - "Take Time for Training". All children need to be show how to do the jobs that you expect them to do properly, children under six will continue to need help and coaching with their jobs. Once everyone knows what to do and how to do it, you will need set clear expectations as to when the jobs will be completed This plan is created and agreed upon by all members in the family. It is also good to discuss what will happen when these plans aren't adhered to.
What this looks like in our house: Our daughter has a chore chart. It has an assortment of ten chores, five that apply to the whole house and five that are specific to her room/things. Each day has two spots next to it, in which she chooses one whole house chore and one personal chore to do each day of the week. We take the weekends off. I have spent time training her on all these chores, but still find that I occasionally need to work with her on chores and/or give her verbal reminders of the steps involved in the chores. We have agreed that she can choose when to do the chores, but that they need to be completed before dinner, so if they are not done when I start preparing dinner I will give her a reminder at that time. For the most part this works. I like the fact that she chooses which chores she will do each day. We have talked about the way to choose, not only what you feel like doing, but also what needs to be done on any given day. Of course there are days that we are too busy for chores, and on those days we try to make up the next day or just skip some of the less important chores. Some are not skippable - putting away her laundry, for example. Others, like dusting can occasionally skipped!
These are the formal jobs that my daughter has, but she does a lot of other jobs around the house too. She picks up baby toys, she gets the mail, makes our salad, sets the table, unloads the dishwasher, and much, much more. No she is not working all the time, but she likes to help out, it makes her feel valued and she really does help. There are days that I think to myself, I don't know what I would do with out her help! She is really learning life skills in the form of chores, time management and cooperation.
Jobs help make her more independent. In the Montessori philosophy contributing to the family or class is an important aspect of development and goes back to one of my favorite quotes, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development". If your children can do it themselves, please allow them to!
Next week we will work on: Mistakes - now that sounds like an easy one, doesn't it?
The first step in creating a job routine in your home is to, along with the help of your children, identify the jobs that need to be done and those which are do-able for them. Once you have all agreed on the jobs that your children will be responsible for you need to develop a plan for when and how they will get done. There are many options for this including: chore charts, wheel of jobs with a spinner or a drawing jobs from a hat. The next step goes back a couple weeks - "Take Time for Training". All children need to be show how to do the jobs that you expect them to do properly, children under six will continue to need help and coaching with their jobs. Once everyone knows what to do and how to do it, you will need set clear expectations as to when the jobs will be completed This plan is created and agreed upon by all members in the family. It is also good to discuss what will happen when these plans aren't adhered to.
What this looks like in our house: Our daughter has a chore chart. It has an assortment of ten chores, five that apply to the whole house and five that are specific to her room/things. Each day has two spots next to it, in which she chooses one whole house chore and one personal chore to do each day of the week. We take the weekends off. I have spent time training her on all these chores, but still find that I occasionally need to work with her on chores and/or give her verbal reminders of the steps involved in the chores. We have agreed that she can choose when to do the chores, but that they need to be completed before dinner, so if they are not done when I start preparing dinner I will give her a reminder at that time. For the most part this works. I like the fact that she chooses which chores she will do each day. We have talked about the way to choose, not only what you feel like doing, but also what needs to be done on any given day. Of course there are days that we are too busy for chores, and on those days we try to make up the next day or just skip some of the less important chores. Some are not skippable - putting away her laundry, for example. Others, like dusting can occasionally skipped!
These are the formal jobs that my daughter has, but she does a lot of other jobs around the house too. She picks up baby toys, she gets the mail, makes our salad, sets the table, unloads the dishwasher, and much, much more. No she is not working all the time, but she likes to help out, it makes her feel valued and she really does help. There are days that I think to myself, I don't know what I would do with out her help! She is really learning life skills in the form of chores, time management and cooperation.
Jobs help make her more independent. In the Montessori philosophy contributing to the family or class is an important aspect of development and goes back to one of my favorite quotes, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development". If your children can do it themselves, please allow them to!
Next week we will work on: Mistakes - now that sounds like an easy one, doesn't it?
Monday, March 12, 2012
Positive Time-Out
I know, it sounds crazy! Or maybe for some of you who have been reading my blogs you think I am finally speaking your language, "time-out" sounds familiar. THIS is a whole different thing than the traditional time out. Jane Nelson promotes a Positive Time-Out, in which the child makes the choice to take a time-out.
I have to be honest, this is a very difficult tool for me to use. Even with understanding and good intentions it is hard for this not to become parent controlled and punitive. When my daughter was around 2 1/2 we introduced the idea of taken a time-out. A time to cool off when we feel frustrated, angry or upset. We hung some beautiful flower pictures in one corner of her bedroom, added a comfy chair and special pillow, and a basket of books. This was to be her special spot for cooling off. We explained it and talked about, probably way too much. It was a great idea, but it didn't work for us. Before long I was practically dragging my tantruming three year old to her special spot for what was not a very positive time-out. Of course she wouldn't stay there, because it was not her choice in the first place to be there and quickly her special place turned into her not-so-fun place. She was either too young or this tool just did not work. I abandoned the idea all together and hadn't tried it again until this past week, three years later!
The Parenting Tool Card this week actually coincided nicely with some other ideas that we have been working on at home. For the past month we have been introducing the idea of meditation or quiet time to our daughter. She is now much more concentrated and in control of herself in general, but she still "flips her lid" on occasion. We have downloaded some guided meditations for children, set up a peaceful place for her quiet time and allowed her to begin a meditation practice of her own. Each morning I que up one of the meditations for her and she spends 5-20 minutes in her room alone in silent presence! She has been really enjoying it. It has given her a sense of control over her feeling and emotions. Overall I think it has really helped her stay in control of herself. She still looses it occasionally though. Last week when she got upset about not being able to open a container and began to freak out, I bent down and quietly invited her to go into her peaceful place and spend a little time calming down. To my surprise she stomped off and went straight to her room. I let her go on her own. After about ten minutes she came back and said that she did one of the meditations that she had learned previously to help her let go of her angry feelings and feel happy again. I was really amazed, as was my husband! Another day I tried it again and she said she didn't want to go, so I offered to go with her, and she accepted. We went in her peaceful place together, hugged each other and then talked about how we are able to choose how we feel and how we act. We both agreed it feels better to be peaceful than angry!
Another important aspect to this tool is to model the behavior you desire. Adults can have a positive time-out too. If you meditate you can use that space, otherwise just choose a quiet place that you can go to cool down when you get upset. Tell your child that you need to go and take a time-out and that you will be back as soon as you feel calm again. This benefits everyone in your family!
Teaching children to be in control of their actions and emotions is such a valuable life tool. It is something they will be able to use throughout their entire life!
Next week the tool we will try is: Jobs!
I have to be honest, this is a very difficult tool for me to use. Even with understanding and good intentions it is hard for this not to become parent controlled and punitive. When my daughter was around 2 1/2 we introduced the idea of taken a time-out. A time to cool off when we feel frustrated, angry or upset. We hung some beautiful flower pictures in one corner of her bedroom, added a comfy chair and special pillow, and a basket of books. This was to be her special spot for cooling off. We explained it and talked about, probably way too much. It was a great idea, but it didn't work for us. Before long I was practically dragging my tantruming three year old to her special spot for what was not a very positive time-out. Of course she wouldn't stay there, because it was not her choice in the first place to be there and quickly her special place turned into her not-so-fun place. She was either too young or this tool just did not work. I abandoned the idea all together and hadn't tried it again until this past week, three years later!
The Parenting Tool Card this week actually coincided nicely with some other ideas that we have been working on at home. For the past month we have been introducing the idea of meditation or quiet time to our daughter. She is now much more concentrated and in control of herself in general, but she still "flips her lid" on occasion. We have downloaded some guided meditations for children, set up a peaceful place for her quiet time and allowed her to begin a meditation practice of her own. Each morning I que up one of the meditations for her and she spends 5-20 minutes in her room alone in silent presence! She has been really enjoying it. It has given her a sense of control over her feeling and emotions. Overall I think it has really helped her stay in control of herself. She still looses it occasionally though. Last week when she got upset about not being able to open a container and began to freak out, I bent down and quietly invited her to go into her peaceful place and spend a little time calming down. To my surprise she stomped off and went straight to her room. I let her go on her own. After about ten minutes she came back and said that she did one of the meditations that she had learned previously to help her let go of her angry feelings and feel happy again. I was really amazed, as was my husband! Another day I tried it again and she said she didn't want to go, so I offered to go with her, and she accepted. We went in her peaceful place together, hugged each other and then talked about how we are able to choose how we feel and how we act. We both agreed it feels better to be peaceful than angry!
Another important aspect to this tool is to model the behavior you desire. Adults can have a positive time-out too. If you meditate you can use that space, otherwise just choose a quiet place that you can go to cool down when you get upset. Tell your child that you need to go and take a time-out and that you will be back as soon as you feel calm again. This benefits everyone in your family!
Teaching children to be in control of their actions and emotions is such a valuable life tool. It is something they will be able to use throughout their entire life!
Next week the tool we will try is: Jobs!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Validate Feelings
Another week of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools. This week we worked on the tool card Validate Feelings. The main point here is to allow your children to experience and and all emotions, help them with identifying/noticing the feeling they are having and allow them to work past it.
This tool is such a respectful and honorable tool. It fits in with the Montessori philosophy so well, as many of the tools do! What I really like about it is that it makes you look at the child as a competent, sensitive, insightful human being. There is no dismissing of feelings or emotions, even the ones that push our buttons, and that is what really hit home for me.
I have always been pretty good about helping my daughter to look at the emotion she is feeling, name it and talk about it with her if needed. We also spend a lot of time in our house talking about negative versus positive emotions and how each makes us feel inside. Positive emotions like love, joy, excitement, passion, etc make us feel good all over. Negative emotions, like anger, annoyance, boredom, jealousy, sadness, etc. often make us feel bad, both physically and emotionally. We like to try to take deep breaths, ask for hugs, and use words to explain how we are feeling before these negative emotions take over our bodies. This isn't always possible, and so we also talk about ways to let out the negative emotions in a way that is not hurtful, physically or emotionally, to ourselves or others. Things like crying, taking deep breaths, or writing what we are feeling down are all acceptable ways to physically express a feeling like anger. With children, and adults for that matter, this is something that takes time to learn.
That brings me to the pushing my buttons part. The hardest part of parenting, for me, is not allowing my self to be sucked in to the emotional rants of my children. I love them so much and I spend so much time with them that I find it hard not to take it personally when they are angry or upset. When I respond with anger it only makes things worse, MUCH WORSE! My five year old daughter is very emotional at times. I am sure most mother's of five year olds would probably say the same. She can go from peaceful to frenzied in a matter of seconds over a broken crayon or the proverbial spilled milk. The thing is though, she can go back to calm that quickly, IF the response she gets to her outbreak is calm, non-confrontational, and respectful. If I don't allow myself to be consumed by her negative emotion, and get angry about the feeling she is having, things usually work themselves out. In the end negative feelings are usually the expression of painful past experiences or expectations of the future, not really what is happening that moment. The first few times your child spills her milk she will not be upset by this, but if you yell or respond in a negative way to the spill, then he next time it happens she will also get angry and or upset, more because she anticipates your response and is thinking about how she felt the last time you got angry about it. The spilled milk is really no big deal, let it go.
In then end this tool card for me is more about teaching children to recognize the bigger picture -- the present moment. When they can do that they often don't need to spend time feeling the negative emotions, they can learn to just let them go. Children are naturally much better at doing this than adults, so when we start talking about validating feelings we also have to be careful that we aren't magnifying something that we could really just let go!
And the next tool is: Positive Time-Out, uh-oh this one is a tricky one!
This tool is such a respectful and honorable tool. It fits in with the Montessori philosophy so well, as many of the tools do! What I really like about it is that it makes you look at the child as a competent, sensitive, insightful human being. There is no dismissing of feelings or emotions, even the ones that push our buttons, and that is what really hit home for me.
I have always been pretty good about helping my daughter to look at the emotion she is feeling, name it and talk about it with her if needed. We also spend a lot of time in our house talking about negative versus positive emotions and how each makes us feel inside. Positive emotions like love, joy, excitement, passion, etc make us feel good all over. Negative emotions, like anger, annoyance, boredom, jealousy, sadness, etc. often make us feel bad, both physically and emotionally. We like to try to take deep breaths, ask for hugs, and use words to explain how we are feeling before these negative emotions take over our bodies. This isn't always possible, and so we also talk about ways to let out the negative emotions in a way that is not hurtful, physically or emotionally, to ourselves or others. Things like crying, taking deep breaths, or writing what we are feeling down are all acceptable ways to physically express a feeling like anger. With children, and adults for that matter, this is something that takes time to learn.
That brings me to the pushing my buttons part. The hardest part of parenting, for me, is not allowing my self to be sucked in to the emotional rants of my children. I love them so much and I spend so much time with them that I find it hard not to take it personally when they are angry or upset. When I respond with anger it only makes things worse, MUCH WORSE! My five year old daughter is very emotional at times. I am sure most mother's of five year olds would probably say the same. She can go from peaceful to frenzied in a matter of seconds over a broken crayon or the proverbial spilled milk. The thing is though, she can go back to calm that quickly, IF the response she gets to her outbreak is calm, non-confrontational, and respectful. If I don't allow myself to be consumed by her negative emotion, and get angry about the feeling she is having, things usually work themselves out. In the end negative feelings are usually the expression of painful past experiences or expectations of the future, not really what is happening that moment. The first few times your child spills her milk she will not be upset by this, but if you yell or respond in a negative way to the spill, then he next time it happens she will also get angry and or upset, more because she anticipates your response and is thinking about how she felt the last time you got angry about it. The spilled milk is really no big deal, let it go.
In then end this tool card for me is more about teaching children to recognize the bigger picture -- the present moment. When they can do that they often don't need to spend time feeling the negative emotions, they can learn to just let them go. Children are naturally much better at doing this than adults, so when we start talking about validating feelings we also have to be careful that we aren't magnifying something that we could really just let go!
And the next tool is: Positive Time-Out, uh-oh this one is a tricky one!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Take Time for Training
The Positive Discipline Parenting Tool for the past week was Take Time for Training. This tool is primarily related chores/cleaning. The idea is this: before you expect children to do chores properly they need to be taught how to do them properly. This happens by first modeling the appropriate method, then working with the child together to complete the chore and then finally laying out expectations clearly for the child to complete on his own.
This tool had slipped through the cracks in my house, and I was so glad to bring it back into light this week. We have had a difficult time the past few months with our five year old, and until I started considering this Tool I was kind of at a loss for ideas. It was great to be reminded that sometimes a little training or teamwork is neccessary to get the job done with a child. I have been constantly telling her that she needs to get her room clean before we get in bed to read stories, or before we go to the park. The problem was that I would go into her room 30 minutes later to check on her and she would be playing with toys, or going through old art work, or reading a book etc. Not much of the room would be "clean". Then she would be frustrated because I would be asking why she wasn't finished, and I would be frustrated because she still had so much work to do. Many times she would want me to help her, but I felt like that would be giving in and letting her off the hook. She should be responsible for her room right? Maybe not!
After some thinking I decided that we needed to go back to square one. We spent Monday afternoon cleaning her room together. Not only was I modeling how to clean the room, but we were also making sure that all of her things had a specific place and that she knew of and agreed on that place. We had fun organizing the room and working together, all the while talking about how it seems easier when we just do one part of the job at a time. First we picked up clothes, then we cleaned up the closet and organized her shoes, and then we went shelf by shelf and organized her toys and homeschool materials. We both felt great when we were finished. We also agreed that this was a job she could do herself if it wasn't too messy, so to keep the mess at bay she decided she would clean up every day at the end of the school day, instead of just once a week. We also brainstormed ideas to keep her room from getting messy in the first place: don't play with any toys, give toys away to charity, sell toys at a yard sale, put things away as soon as they are done being used, etc. She decided the ideas that would work best for her were giving some toys away and putting away things as soon as she was finished using them.
The rest of the week I reminded her, as she finished up with something, to put it back where it belongs. At the end of our school day I asked her to go and do a room check to determine what needed to be done to make it clean. We did the check together the first couple days. We pointed out the things that weren't as they should be and then talked about the two or three steps that it would take to get it done. For example: organize shoes in closet, put away coloring books and markers, and make bed. She had clearly laid out tasks and she knew how to do them. Things went really well. I can honestly say we didn't have any fights about cleaning her room the whole week. We had the best week we have had in a long time!
I can't wait to start working on next week's tool - Validate Feelings!
This tool had slipped through the cracks in my house, and I was so glad to bring it back into light this week. We have had a difficult time the past few months with our five year old, and until I started considering this Tool I was kind of at a loss for ideas. It was great to be reminded that sometimes a little training or teamwork is neccessary to get the job done with a child. I have been constantly telling her that she needs to get her room clean before we get in bed to read stories, or before we go to the park. The problem was that I would go into her room 30 minutes later to check on her and she would be playing with toys, or going through old art work, or reading a book etc. Not much of the room would be "clean". Then she would be frustrated because I would be asking why she wasn't finished, and I would be frustrated because she still had so much work to do. Many times she would want me to help her, but I felt like that would be giving in and letting her off the hook. She should be responsible for her room right? Maybe not!
After some thinking I decided that we needed to go back to square one. We spent Monday afternoon cleaning her room together. Not only was I modeling how to clean the room, but we were also making sure that all of her things had a specific place and that she knew of and agreed on that place. We had fun organizing the room and working together, all the while talking about how it seems easier when we just do one part of the job at a time. First we picked up clothes, then we cleaned up the closet and organized her shoes, and then we went shelf by shelf and organized her toys and homeschool materials. We both felt great when we were finished. We also agreed that this was a job she could do herself if it wasn't too messy, so to keep the mess at bay she decided she would clean up every day at the end of the school day, instead of just once a week. We also brainstormed ideas to keep her room from getting messy in the first place: don't play with any toys, give toys away to charity, sell toys at a yard sale, put things away as soon as they are done being used, etc. She decided the ideas that would work best for her were giving some toys away and putting away things as soon as she was finished using them.
The rest of the week I reminded her, as she finished up with something, to put it back where it belongs. At the end of our school day I asked her to go and do a room check to determine what needed to be done to make it clean. We did the check together the first couple days. We pointed out the things that weren't as they should be and then talked about the two or three steps that it would take to get it done. For example: organize shoes in closet, put away coloring books and markers, and make bed. She had clearly laid out tasks and she knew how to do them. Things went really well. I can honestly say we didn't have any fights about cleaning her room the whole week. We had the best week we have had in a long time!
I can't wait to start working on next week's tool - Validate Feelings!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Special Time
The Positive Discipline Parenting Tool we explored this past week was Special Time! Special Time is quality time that you reserve to spend with another person. This time is very important for maintaining personal relationships.
Many parents schedule date nights, an evening away from the kids just for them. This time set aside for being "alone"together is a valuable part of any adult relationship. Just as date night nurtures a marriage special time is an essential part of a parent child relationship. The Parenting Tool card says that children ages 2-6 need 10 minutes per day and children 7-12 need 30 minutes per week, and after age twelve to try to schedule something once a month that they can't resist. As you can see this isn't an unmanageable commitment. I am pretty sure most parents could commit 10 minutes a day to their little ones.
When I first thought about this tool, I honestly thought to myself "I don't need this one, I am a stay at home mom with both my kids all day everyday". With this thinking I first approached my husband. I suggested that he arrange a special time for he and our 5 year old daughter each day. He thought that it was a good idea. We also agreed that it would be a good way to let her know that daddy needed to have a little one on one time with our baby boy. Once we approached her with the idea of special time with daddy each day she was thrilled and quickly agreed that she would help me with getting dinner ready so that daddy could have some special time with her brother too!
So far this week their special time went really well, and I can tell that they both look forward to that uninterrupted time together! Now I think I will try to schedule a special time with her at least once each week, where we aren't doing school or chores, just having fun-girl time! I can tell that this Special Time is really very special to all of us. I also think that it helps when there are times that she wants to play with us or do something with us and we want to have some quiet time, knowing she will have her time later makes it easier to take. Yet another simple idea that can mean so much to your child, and can make such a big difference in your relationship, even the adult ones.
On to the next week: Take Time for Training!
Many parents schedule date nights, an evening away from the kids just for them. This time set aside for being "alone"together is a valuable part of any adult relationship. Just as date night nurtures a marriage special time is an essential part of a parent child relationship. The Parenting Tool card says that children ages 2-6 need 10 minutes per day and children 7-12 need 30 minutes per week, and after age twelve to try to schedule something once a month that they can't resist. As you can see this isn't an unmanageable commitment. I am pretty sure most parents could commit 10 minutes a day to their little ones.
When I first thought about this tool, I honestly thought to myself "I don't need this one, I am a stay at home mom with both my kids all day everyday". With this thinking I first approached my husband. I suggested that he arrange a special time for he and our 5 year old daughter each day. He thought that it was a good idea. We also agreed that it would be a good way to let her know that daddy needed to have a little one on one time with our baby boy. Once we approached her with the idea of special time with daddy each day she was thrilled and quickly agreed that she would help me with getting dinner ready so that daddy could have some special time with her brother too!
So far this week their special time went really well, and I can tell that they both look forward to that uninterrupted time together! Now I think I will try to schedule a special time with her at least once each week, where we aren't doing school or chores, just having fun-girl time! I can tell that this Special Time is really very special to all of us. I also think that it helps when there are times that she wants to play with us or do something with us and we want to have some quiet time, knowing she will have her time later makes it easier to take. Yet another simple idea that can mean so much to your child, and can make such a big difference in your relationship, even the adult ones.
On to the next week: Take Time for Training!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Toileting!
It is that time in our house! Our baby boy turned ten months yesterday. For some reason, sort of explained below, this is when we really begin with toilet training!
This will be our second time around with this task. We are practically pros. We have done it once, we can do it again... right? These are the encouraging words I have been vocalizing in preparing myself and my husband for this.
First, let me tell you about our first experience, and then we will get to my thoughts and plans for the little guy. When our daughter was born, I was working full time at a Montessori school. Within the Montessori community there are, of course, some varied ideas of how, and more importantly, when to start with toilet learning. In the end, toileting is another step toward independence, and that is something ALL Montessorians can agree on. Working in the Montessori community gave me some inside connections and insights when it came to parenting, including toileting. I knew that I would start early, use cotton diapers and eventually underpants, and make toileting a regular part of our life. I had seen many schools starting children in training pants/underpants as early as one year, so I knew that I would need to have supplies and a plan by then.
The first thing I did was purchase the book Diaper Free Before Three by Jill Lekovic. It is a great book on toileting, because it offers medical evidence as to how, why, and when you should potty train. It also provides statistics about the shifting average age of starting and complete toilet training here in the US. It is pretty interesting that before the 1960's people didn't believe that children needed to reach specific milestones to prove their readiness for toilet training. This resulted in most children being completely trained(dry during the day) before they turned two. Nowadays people wait for their child to "show an interest" in toileting before they even begin training. Doctors even make parents believe that they could harm their child by trying to train them too early. In my opinion that is CRAZY, but that is just my opinion. By the way, the average age of complete training (dry all day) is now closer to three and a half!
I was convinced that I needed to start early. It was also pretty clear that disposable diapers and pull-ups don't help the situation at all. I used cloth diapers as much as I could in her first year. At ten months, right after reading the book, I bought a tiny potty for my daughter. The potty has to be the appropriate size for the child to feel stable. We started sitting her on it and reading a story every morning after nursing. She loved books, so it was a breeze to keep her there as long as we were willing to sit with her. She often urinated and even had an occasional bowel movement (bm) on her new potty. We continued this for about a month and then added in a potty time right before her evening bath, which was right after dinner. This was an even better time to catch a bm. When she turned one we gave up diapers, at least during her waking hours. We put her in plain old cotton training pants after she sat on the potty each morning. If we went out from the house we would put a plastic cover over them. We continued to use diapers at nap and night time. We developed a schedule of potty times. We would sit her on the potty for at least five minutes each time, or longer if she desired. She hardly ever tried to getup right away, so that made it easy on us. Potty times coincided with her meals, naps and activities. Anytime she wet herself we would take her to the bathroom and have her sit on the potty, then help her get cleaned up and changed. Doing so helped associate urinating with the potty. We were pretty crazy strict about this schedule. When we went out, we took the potty with us in the car, so as not to miss any scheduled potty times. In the beginning there were a lot of wet underpants. By around 15 months we were starting to have some dry mornings or afternoons, and we were catching pretty much all the bm's in the potty! By 18 months she was completely day trained. She continued to were diapers at nap and night until we went for a full month without a wet one, that was probably around two and a half years, maybe before that, but I was just extra cautious. This mama doesn't like to change sheets and jammies in the middle of the night!
Now here we are at ten months again. It seemed to work for us last time to start here, so here we go. We had sat him on the potty a few times over the past few months just to let him have the experience, however he never really seemed very interested. Now we have started sitting him there right after his morning snack, as that is when he usually has a bowel movement. So far he hasn't been very happy to sit there. If we bring in some sort of distraction, like a play cell phone or camera, he will sit there for a bit, but his patience is not the best. When he stands up we sit him back down and tell him it is time to sit on the potty, if he gets up again we let him get up. He hasn't yet urinated or had a bm on the potty.
In the end I know this isn't the only way to help your child to learn to use the toilet, and it certainly isn't the easiest or the quickest. It does follow a couple of rules that I like to stick to when working with children: it is respectful and it responds to the needs of the child. Allowing a child to start using the toilet early gives them independence and allows them to learn before they are aware of the situation. Using the toilet is more comfortable for the child. They don't have to sit in wet diapers, and having a bm on the potty with feet flat on the floor is more natural and comfortable. It can prevent diaper rash and constipation. Once using the potty becomes a regular part of their routine, it becomes easy and sometimes even fun.
I always tell new parents that this method takes longer, but is done sooner than the wait for interest method. It is harder for a while, but easier in the end. AND most importantly it is the best thing for the child!
This will be our second time around with this task. We are practically pros. We have done it once, we can do it again... right? These are the encouraging words I have been vocalizing in preparing myself and my husband for this.
First, let me tell you about our first experience, and then we will get to my thoughts and plans for the little guy. When our daughter was born, I was working full time at a Montessori school. Within the Montessori community there are, of course, some varied ideas of how, and more importantly, when to start with toilet learning. In the end, toileting is another step toward independence, and that is something ALL Montessorians can agree on. Working in the Montessori community gave me some inside connections and insights when it came to parenting, including toileting. I knew that I would start early, use cotton diapers and eventually underpants, and make toileting a regular part of our life. I had seen many schools starting children in training pants/underpants as early as one year, so I knew that I would need to have supplies and a plan by then.
The first thing I did was purchase the book Diaper Free Before Three by Jill Lekovic. It is a great book on toileting, because it offers medical evidence as to how, why, and when you should potty train. It also provides statistics about the shifting average age of starting and complete toilet training here in the US. It is pretty interesting that before the 1960's people didn't believe that children needed to reach specific milestones to prove their readiness for toilet training. This resulted in most children being completely trained(dry during the day) before they turned two. Nowadays people wait for their child to "show an interest" in toileting before they even begin training. Doctors even make parents believe that they could harm their child by trying to train them too early. In my opinion that is CRAZY, but that is just my opinion. By the way, the average age of complete training (dry all day) is now closer to three and a half!
I was convinced that I needed to start early. It was also pretty clear that disposable diapers and pull-ups don't help the situation at all. I used cloth diapers as much as I could in her first year. At ten months, right after reading the book, I bought a tiny potty for my daughter. The potty has to be the appropriate size for the child to feel stable. We started sitting her on it and reading a story every morning after nursing. She loved books, so it was a breeze to keep her there as long as we were willing to sit with her. She often urinated and even had an occasional bowel movement (bm) on her new potty. We continued this for about a month and then added in a potty time right before her evening bath, which was right after dinner. This was an even better time to catch a bm. When she turned one we gave up diapers, at least during her waking hours. We put her in plain old cotton training pants after she sat on the potty each morning. If we went out from the house we would put a plastic cover over them. We continued to use diapers at nap and night time. We developed a schedule of potty times. We would sit her on the potty for at least five minutes each time, or longer if she desired. She hardly ever tried to getup right away, so that made it easy on us. Potty times coincided with her meals, naps and activities. Anytime she wet herself we would take her to the bathroom and have her sit on the potty, then help her get cleaned up and changed. Doing so helped associate urinating with the potty. We were pretty crazy strict about this schedule. When we went out, we took the potty with us in the car, so as not to miss any scheduled potty times. In the beginning there were a lot of wet underpants. By around 15 months we were starting to have some dry mornings or afternoons, and we were catching pretty much all the bm's in the potty! By 18 months she was completely day trained. She continued to were diapers at nap and night until we went for a full month without a wet one, that was probably around two and a half years, maybe before that, but I was just extra cautious. This mama doesn't like to change sheets and jammies in the middle of the night!
Now here we are at ten months again. It seemed to work for us last time to start here, so here we go. We had sat him on the potty a few times over the past few months just to let him have the experience, however he never really seemed very interested. Now we have started sitting him there right after his morning snack, as that is when he usually has a bowel movement. So far he hasn't been very happy to sit there. If we bring in some sort of distraction, like a play cell phone or camera, he will sit there for a bit, but his patience is not the best. When he stands up we sit him back down and tell him it is time to sit on the potty, if he gets up again we let him get up. He hasn't yet urinated or had a bm on the potty.
In the end I know this isn't the only way to help your child to learn to use the toilet, and it certainly isn't the easiest or the quickest. It does follow a couple of rules that I like to stick to when working with children: it is respectful and it responds to the needs of the child. Allowing a child to start using the toilet early gives them independence and allows them to learn before they are aware of the situation. Using the toilet is more comfortable for the child. They don't have to sit in wet diapers, and having a bm on the potty with feet flat on the floor is more natural and comfortable. It can prevent diaper rash and constipation. Once using the potty becomes a regular part of their routine, it becomes easy and sometimes even fun.
I always tell new parents that this method takes longer, but is done sooner than the wait for interest method. It is harder for a while, but easier in the end. AND most importantly it is the best thing for the child!
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