Letting Go is a very simple tool, but seems to be very difficult for many parents. The card says "Letting go does not mean abandoning your child. It means allowing your child to learn responsibility and to feel capable." It is so funny how one mother's version of letting go seems like allowing her child to learn and grow while another mother would see it as neglect or lazy parenting.
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
Showing posts with label freedom and discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freedom and discipline. Show all posts
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Kind and Firm
One very important aspect of Positive Discipline is to be Kind and Firm at the same time. This is a very difficult concept for many parents and teachers to master. Instead of doing them both at the same time, people often fluctuate back and forth between too kind and too firm. I know I have been guilty of this. My daughter pushes my buttons until I snap. I yell or say something I don't really mean, and then I feel guilty for having been so tough on her and I try to make up for it by being extra nice. It is a vicious cycle, and hard to get out of. Sometimes one parent is too nice, so the other parent tries to make up for the perceived lack of firmness and is extra strict with the children. Both scenarios are very confusing for children.
In Montessori we have a similar expression, Freedom and Discipline. The two concepts are dependent upon eachother. When Montessori talks about discipline in the child it is something that comes from within. A mastery and control of one's self is to be disciplined. This is something that children gain during their first six years of life. Freedom to the child, is to be able to follow their inner teacher and to fulfill their needs completely.
Just like Kind and Firm, Freedom and Discipline must come together. Too much of one and the other is sacrificed. Freedom in the Montessori classroom means choice. Children are free to choose what they will work with depending on their interest. It is kind to allow children to make choices for themselves and do as they desire, but it will not work unless there are limits. Montessori limits are clear and simple. 1. All actions must take into consideration the greater interest of the group, and 2. Knowledge precedes choice. With these two simple ideas children can find a balance between what they desire to do and what is acceptable. A teacher or parent can kindly and firmly implement the limits.
How does this look in real life? A child who takes out the scissors and attempts to cut a piece of paper, but hasn't yet been shown that lesson will gently be reminded that he has not yet had that lesson and will need to put it away. Another child, who as had a lesson with cutting paper, takes out the scissors and attempts to cut another child's hair. This child will be reminded kindly that the scissor are only for cutting paper. It would not be in the greater interest of the group to allow children to cut whatever they want with the scissors. In neither situation would the teacher yell, shame or punish the child. A clear reminder of the limits with a kind tone will often solve the problem.
I am not saying that this is all that will be necessary. Further action is often necessary, and that is when another tool might come into play. The important thing about the Kind and Firm tool, is that you continue to use it at all times. It is beneficial to approach each interaction with your children both kindly and firmly. Rules are rules, and they can and must be enforced, but it can be done in a kind and respectful manner. Shame and blame are not kind and aren't even more effective at teaching then a more respectful approach would be.
Children need to feel free to make choices for themselves, but they are not ready to make all their own decisions yet, and that is why they need limits. Limits allow the children to acquire self discipline. When they know what to expect and what is expected of them, they feel confident in their ability to make choices and do so happily. If you kindly implement consistent limits in your home, you will feel like a better parent and your children will gain self mastery, a trait that will carry them throughout their life. Remember, children do better when they feel better, and children feel better when they are approached with kindness and firmness at the same time!
Coming up next: Pay Attention!
In Montessori we have a similar expression, Freedom and Discipline. The two concepts are dependent upon eachother. When Montessori talks about discipline in the child it is something that comes from within. A mastery and control of one's self is to be disciplined. This is something that children gain during their first six years of life. Freedom to the child, is to be able to follow their inner teacher and to fulfill their needs completely.
Just like Kind and Firm, Freedom and Discipline must come together. Too much of one and the other is sacrificed. Freedom in the Montessori classroom means choice. Children are free to choose what they will work with depending on their interest. It is kind to allow children to make choices for themselves and do as they desire, but it will not work unless there are limits. Montessori limits are clear and simple. 1. All actions must take into consideration the greater interest of the group, and 2. Knowledge precedes choice. With these two simple ideas children can find a balance between what they desire to do and what is acceptable. A teacher or parent can kindly and firmly implement the limits.
How does this look in real life? A child who takes out the scissors and attempts to cut a piece of paper, but hasn't yet been shown that lesson will gently be reminded that he has not yet had that lesson and will need to put it away. Another child, who as had a lesson with cutting paper, takes out the scissors and attempts to cut another child's hair. This child will be reminded kindly that the scissor are only for cutting paper. It would not be in the greater interest of the group to allow children to cut whatever they want with the scissors. In neither situation would the teacher yell, shame or punish the child. A clear reminder of the limits with a kind tone will often solve the problem.
I am not saying that this is all that will be necessary. Further action is often necessary, and that is when another tool might come into play. The important thing about the Kind and Firm tool, is that you continue to use it at all times. It is beneficial to approach each interaction with your children both kindly and firmly. Rules are rules, and they can and must be enforced, but it can be done in a kind and respectful manner. Shame and blame are not kind and aren't even more effective at teaching then a more respectful approach would be.
Children need to feel free to make choices for themselves, but they are not ready to make all their own decisions yet, and that is why they need limits. Limits allow the children to acquire self discipline. When they know what to expect and what is expected of them, they feel confident in their ability to make choices and do so happily. If you kindly implement consistent limits in your home, you will feel like a better parent and your children will gain self mastery, a trait that will carry them throughout their life. Remember, children do better when they feel better, and children feel better when they are approached with kindness and firmness at the same time!
Coming up next: Pay Attention!
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