In our house we use real dishes. All of us. We eat of of porcelain plates, and drink out of glasses, and we use silverware not plastic ware. When we introduced solid foods to our babies we did so with a metal spoon and a porcelain bowl. At around six months of age we began pouring a small amount of water into a very small glass, much like a shot glass, for them to drink from.
The other day our two year old and six year old were setting the table together. Each taking one dish at a time from a cart in the kitchen to its respective place on the table. My son has been helping in this way since he was around 20 months. On this evening the second glass my son took to set on the table didn't make it there. It broke when he dropped it on the tile floor on its way up to the table. I quickly asked him to step back, explaining that broken glass is very sharp, and swept up the glass. My son observed cautiously and my daughter provided a worrisome commentary. Once the glass was picked up, I got out another from the cupboard, put it on the cart and asked them to continue setting the table. My daughter said, "Your gonna give him another one?" I said, "Of course, we each need a glass to drink from for dinner." I then explained to her that he also needs a second chance, the opportunity to be successful and to know that we still trust him to do the job.
To replace the small glass it will cost $.95, but the learning that took place in it breaking is truly priceless. The lessons gleaned from a broken glass are:
1. Glass breaks
2. How to clean up carefully
3. Mistakes are opportunities to learn
4. How to recover and move-on after a mistake
5. Our parents are here for us to protect us and help us when we need them
The other day a friend and her son were over. Our two young boys were playing legos in the living room. Our young guest started playing kinda rough with a small plant stand that we have and my son rushed to him and said, "careful - GLASS!" I would say he learned a lot the day the glass broke!
Do you trust your children to use real dishes at home? If not, how will they be prepared to use them when they are out?
Showing posts with label Montessori. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Montessori. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Forgive and Forget
In March my parenting resolution was Forgive and Forget. While this is good advice for life in general, I felt like it was something I could work on to make me a better parent. Children are constantly pushing our buttons, making mistakes and challenging us. They aren't intentionally doing these things, but as a result of their striving for independence and following their inner teacher they often do things that aren't exactly what we desire.
While training to become a Montessori teacher we learn that we must enter the classroom each morning almost as if it is our first day with the children in our class. We have to let go of all the things that happened the day before and greet the children with love, trust and respect. If we start the day thinking about something like a broken glass or a spilled pitcher of water, we might not be able to treat the children the same as if we let it go before entering.
Parenting is the same. We can't be angry about things, even "naughty" things, that our children do and let those feelings guide our actions. We have to wake each morning with a fresh perspective and give our children the benefit of the doubt. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing what someone has done, or accepting their actions, instead it allows us to move past the incident with an open mind and heart.
Forgiveness frees us to move on, and according to Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness, it also makes us happier. Forgiveness seems like a no brainer, but forgetting? I am not so sure.
The second half of the old adage, forgive and forget, is the one I see a problem with. While we do want to forgive our children their mistakes immediately we must not forget where they had the problem. For instance, a child who colors with marker on the walls should not be given free range to markers, at least not for some time. As parent or educators we forgive the behavior then we remember that it happened. We use this knowledge, gained from observing the child, to guide him in a direction that is appropriate for his needs at that moment. The wall colorer may need to do some large motor movement, scrubbing a wall would be good. Or he may need an opportunity to create something beautiful and colorful to hang on the wall. Helping the child find a purposeful and appropriate expression of his desires requires us to remember the "misbehavior" while forgiveness allows us to respond with wisdom and love instead of anger.
For the month of April my parenting resolution will be Be a Mediator!
While training to become a Montessori teacher we learn that we must enter the classroom each morning almost as if it is our first day with the children in our class. We have to let go of all the things that happened the day before and greet the children with love, trust and respect. If we start the day thinking about something like a broken glass or a spilled pitcher of water, we might not be able to treat the children the same as if we let it go before entering.
Parenting is the same. We can't be angry about things, even "naughty" things, that our children do and let those feelings guide our actions. We have to wake each morning with a fresh perspective and give our children the benefit of the doubt. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing what someone has done, or accepting their actions, instead it allows us to move past the incident with an open mind and heart.
Forgiveness frees us to move on, and according to Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness, it also makes us happier. Forgiveness seems like a no brainer, but forgetting? I am not so sure.
The second half of the old adage, forgive and forget, is the one I see a problem with. While we do want to forgive our children their mistakes immediately we must not forget where they had the problem. For instance, a child who colors with marker on the walls should not be given free range to markers, at least not for some time. As parent or educators we forgive the behavior then we remember that it happened. We use this knowledge, gained from observing the child, to guide him in a direction that is appropriate for his needs at that moment. The wall colorer may need to do some large motor movement, scrubbing a wall would be good. Or he may need an opportunity to create something beautiful and colorful to hang on the wall. Helping the child find a purposeful and appropriate expression of his desires requires us to remember the "misbehavior" while forgiveness allows us to respond with wisdom and love instead of anger.
For the month of April my parenting resolution will be Be a Mediator!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Follow the Child
People, especially new moms, often ask me when it is time to help their children move to a next stage. Be it potty training, eating, sleeping, walking, etc., parents want to know when they should do something to help their child progress.
Isn't it funny how we think we are somehow in control of when our children develop a certain skill or progress to the next stage of development? I guess in a way we are; we can certainly hinder their development by not providing the opportunities of independence and exploration that they need. However, when it comes to pushing them to the next step, we really don't have much influence at all. Maria Montessori figured this out. She proclaimed, we must "follow the child!" As parents or teachers it is our job to follow the child allowing him to develop at his own pace according to his own schedule.
This is difficult, because we feel like it is our job to teach our children. How can we teach them if we are following them? Shouldn't we lead and they follow? If we always lead our children, than all that we can hope for from them is to someday be where we are. Don't we want more for our children? I want my children to know more than I'll ever know and to accomplish more than I will ever accomplish - to reach their fullest potential. Rather than teach them what we know, let's allow them the freedom to surpass even our wildest dreams for them, on their own path and in their own way.
To follow the child successfully we must first prepare their environment. A prepared environment is one that allows the child to follow his inner teacher, to explore things that are of interest to him and to learn through his own endeavors. Children who are allowed to play/work independently without constant instruction and interruption from the adult respond with joy and deep concentration.
A prepared environment for your child will contain: developmentally appropriate toys, real (glass, wood, metal) objects, child-sized tools (utensils, scissors, dishes, etc) and furniture, beautiful things (art, flowers, nature), and a clear and easy to maintain order. The environment will be constantly changing as the child grows - this is where the following comes in. As caregivers we observe the child, and based on those observations, we adapt the environment to meet the child's needs. We don't give him things to do that are senseless and without purpose. We don't give him things that are either so easy that he is bored or so difficult that he is defeated by them. We pay close attention to where he is at, and more importantly, where he is headed, so that we can provide the exact tools he will need. We prepare the environment, and then we step back and give him the freedom required to master a skill or one's self.
In Discovery Of The Child, Maria Montessori wrote, "That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendour during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom."
I encourage you to take some time and follow your child for a change. You might be surprised where he will lead you.
Isn't it funny how we think we are somehow in control of when our children develop a certain skill or progress to the next stage of development? I guess in a way we are; we can certainly hinder their development by not providing the opportunities of independence and exploration that they need. However, when it comes to pushing them to the next step, we really don't have much influence at all. Maria Montessori figured this out. She proclaimed, we must "follow the child!" As parents or teachers it is our job to follow the child allowing him to develop at his own pace according to his own schedule.
This is difficult, because we feel like it is our job to teach our children. How can we teach them if we are following them? Shouldn't we lead and they follow? If we always lead our children, than all that we can hope for from them is to someday be where we are. Don't we want more for our children? I want my children to know more than I'll ever know and to accomplish more than I will ever accomplish - to reach their fullest potential. Rather than teach them what we know, let's allow them the freedom to surpass even our wildest dreams for them, on their own path and in their own way.
To follow the child successfully we must first prepare their environment. A prepared environment is one that allows the child to follow his inner teacher, to explore things that are of interest to him and to learn through his own endeavors. Children who are allowed to play/work independently without constant instruction and interruption from the adult respond with joy and deep concentration.
A prepared environment for your child will contain: developmentally appropriate toys, real (glass, wood, metal) objects, child-sized tools (utensils, scissors, dishes, etc) and furniture, beautiful things (art, flowers, nature), and a clear and easy to maintain order. The environment will be constantly changing as the child grows - this is where the following comes in. As caregivers we observe the child, and based on those observations, we adapt the environment to meet the child's needs. We don't give him things to do that are senseless and without purpose. We don't give him things that are either so easy that he is bored or so difficult that he is defeated by them. We pay close attention to where he is at, and more importantly, where he is headed, so that we can provide the exact tools he will need. We prepare the environment, and then we step back and give him the freedom required to master a skill or one's self.
In Discovery Of The Child, Maria Montessori wrote, "That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendour during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom."
I encourage you to take some time and follow your child for a change. You might be surprised where he will lead you.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Limited Choices
Maria Montessori said, "Choice and execution are the prerogatives and conquests of a liberated soul."
When we give children choices, we empower them. Choices give children control over their lives and teaches independence. Choices free up parents from ordering and nagging. Choices free children from our constraints. Choices make life interesting.
While giving choices to children is a wonderful tool, it only works if you limit the choices that you offer. The extent of the limits is based on the age of the child. The younger the child the narrower the choices. For example: You would like your two year old to put away his toy car. You say, "would you like to carry your car to your room in your hands or in your clean up basket?" To ask your six year old to complete the same task you might say, "would you like to put your car in your room now or after dinner?"
As you can see, there is no choice given to not do what you are asking them to do. You are simply giving them the opportunity to choose how they would like to accomplish the job. Notice that you don't give them the opportunity to say no, their only choice is to do what you want them to do, but at the same time they feel as though they are in charge of that decision.
Not only do you limit the spectrum of the choices, but you limit the amount of choices as well. A two year old may be able to pick between two shirts to wear in the morning, where as a four year old can choose between three or four, and a six year old can choose from her closet full of clothes.
When you offer choices rather than open ended questions you allow your children to learn how to make successful decisions. If I ask my toddler what he wants for lunch he will say "umm". He will then either choose yogurt (every single day), or continue to say "umm" until I give him a couple choices.
Choices can also make not so fun tasks more fun. For example: To get your four year old to put his toys away you might ask "Would you like to pick up while we sing the clean up song, or while pretend we are monkeys." Adding a silly choice will almost always ensure buy in and make things more fun for everyone.
While it may take more time for you to think of a couple creative choices the next time you would like your child to do something, why not give it a try. In the end it will most likely save time, and make parenting easier and more fun.
When we give children choices, we empower them. Choices give children control over their lives and teaches independence. Choices free up parents from ordering and nagging. Choices free children from our constraints. Choices make life interesting.
While giving choices to children is a wonderful tool, it only works if you limit the choices that you offer. The extent of the limits is based on the age of the child. The younger the child the narrower the choices. For example: You would like your two year old to put away his toy car. You say, "would you like to carry your car to your room in your hands or in your clean up basket?" To ask your six year old to complete the same task you might say, "would you like to put your car in your room now or after dinner?"
As you can see, there is no choice given to not do what you are asking them to do. You are simply giving them the opportunity to choose how they would like to accomplish the job. Notice that you don't give them the opportunity to say no, their only choice is to do what you want them to do, but at the same time they feel as though they are in charge of that decision.
Not only do you limit the spectrum of the choices, but you limit the amount of choices as well. A two year old may be able to pick between two shirts to wear in the morning, where as a four year old can choose between three or four, and a six year old can choose from her closet full of clothes.
When you offer choices rather than open ended questions you allow your children to learn how to make successful decisions. If I ask my toddler what he wants for lunch he will say "umm". He will then either choose yogurt (every single day), or continue to say "umm" until I give him a couple choices.
Choices can also make not so fun tasks more fun. For example: To get your four year old to put his toys away you might ask "Would you like to pick up while we sing the clean up song, or while pretend we are monkeys." Adding a silly choice will almost always ensure buy in and make things more fun for everyone.
While it may take more time for you to think of a couple creative choices the next time you would like your child to do something, why not give it a try. In the end it will most likely save time, and make parenting easier and more fun.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Anger Wheel of Choice
Anger is one of the many emotions that we, humans, experience from time to time. It is a perfectly normal and healthy response to various situations that we are confronted with. The problem with anger is not that we feel it, it is that we aren't always the best at dealing with and expressing it appropriately. The Positive Discipline Tool: Anger Wheel of Choice can help.
The idea is to help your children learn that all feelings are okay, they just need to learn how to deal with them. During a peaceful moment, introduce the anger wheel of choice. You can use the free download here, or use it a an outline for you and your older child to come up with things that work for them. The next time that your child gets angry, invite him to use the wheel of choice to find an outlet that works for him.
We used an old spinner from a board game to make ours. Our, then 5 year old, daughter came up with her own tools for dealing with anger. They are: Read a book in bed, listen to music, draw or write about feelings, put it on the family meeting agenda, or have a hug. We also created a place in her room that she calls her peaceful corner. She has a giant teddy bear for sitting on and snuggling with, some beautiful pictures and a sound machine to listen to southing sounds. When she starts to get angry I can ask her if she would like to spin the anger wheel or take a Positive Time-out in her peaceful corner.
As with all the other tools, this only works some of the time. Sometimes it seems to make her more angry, but others it really, really, works, and when it does it is so great! Even if it only works one in ten times, I think it is worth it. Keep offering, if nothing else it is a way for you to consistently remind your child which responses to anger are appropriate and which aren't. This is a gift that can take them very far in life. Immagine if we all had the ability to deal with feelings in a peaceful and rational manner. It reminds me of something Montessori said, "Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war." That is to say, peace is an action we can teach/model, while war and conflict are emotional reactions. Let's teach peace!
The idea is to help your children learn that all feelings are okay, they just need to learn how to deal with them. During a peaceful moment, introduce the anger wheel of choice. You can use the free download here, or use it a an outline for you and your older child to come up with things that work for them. The next time that your child gets angry, invite him to use the wheel of choice to find an outlet that works for him.
We used an old spinner from a board game to make ours. Our, then 5 year old, daughter came up with her own tools for dealing with anger. They are: Read a book in bed, listen to music, draw or write about feelings, put it on the family meeting agenda, or have a hug. We also created a place in her room that she calls her peaceful corner. She has a giant teddy bear for sitting on and snuggling with, some beautiful pictures and a sound machine to listen to southing sounds. When she starts to get angry I can ask her if she would like to spin the anger wheel or take a Positive Time-out in her peaceful corner.
As with all the other tools, this only works some of the time. Sometimes it seems to make her more angry, but others it really, really, works, and when it does it is so great! Even if it only works one in ten times, I think it is worth it. Keep offering, if nothing else it is a way for you to consistently remind your child which responses to anger are appropriate and which aren't. This is a gift that can take them very far in life. Immagine if we all had the ability to deal with feelings in a peaceful and rational manner. It reminds me of something Montessori said, "Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war." That is to say, peace is an action we can teach/model, while war and conflict are emotional reactions. Let's teach peace!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Avoid Pampering
The Positive Discipline Tool Avoid Pampering has to be one of my favorite tools. And while it sounds pretty easy, I think many parents might find this the hardest tool to stick with. The tool card says: Parents make a mistake when they pamper in the name of love.
I have made myself heard on this topic in the past, here and here. Maria Montessori made it clear that when we do something for a child that he is capable of doing, we are putting up an obstacle in the way of his development. I believe this wholeheartedly. Children learn to be capable and self confident by doing things for themselves, making mistakes, struggling and facing challenges.
To avoid pampering does not mean that you withhold love or affection. Tell your children you love them, hug them daily, and encourage them, just don't help them when they don't need help. Don't rescue them when they don't need rescuing, and don't tell them what to do when they can figure it out on their own. Yes, even telling them what to do next is pampering. Here are two examples a bit of a morning routine with a 2 year old.
Example A: Mother says, "Let's go. It is time to go to grandma's house. Let's go get your shoes and sock." Mother grabs shoes and socks while holding the toddler's hand. "Let's put your shoes on." Mother puts the shoes and socks on. "Okay, lets go get in the car." Mother picks up the child and puts him in his car seat, and buckles the car seat. Off they go!
Example B: Mother says, "It's time to go to grandmas house. You need to wear shoes and socks, please." Toddler goes to grab his socks, brings them to his mother. Mother says, "I see you found your socks, please put them on." Toddler tries to put the socks on and then asks "help, please" when he gets to a point of frustration. Mother helps as little as possible to help him get the socks on. Mother says, "What d you still need?" Toddler looks at his feet and says, "shoes!" He runs off to find his shoes. Mother allows him to attempt to put his on shoes, and helps when necessary. Mother says, "Okay, you are already. Let's get in the car." Mother allows toddler to try to climb in the car and into his seat. She then allows him to attempt the buckles, and helps when needed. Off they go!
The difference between A and B, besides the amount of time it took to get to the point of leaving, is that the mom in B did not pamper the child. She allowed him to do what he could on his own, and by doing so, conveyed the message that he is capable. This kind of experience is possible when you Take Time for Training, and plan ahead. When children know how to do what is expected of them you can show faith in them. Planning ahead means allowing time for children to do things at their own pace, without feeling rushed. Things will not always go this smoothly, and some days your child will actually need more help than others. That is okay too. Some days we all need a little extra help!
At the same time, and for as much as I push for parents to give their children the chance to grow and experience things on their own, I also think it is important to mention the concept: Acts of Service.
One of the 5 Love Languages, as described by author Dr. Gary Chapman, is Acts of Service. Many people feel loved when other people do things for them, and in turn feel that they can best express love by doing for others. This happens to be my love language. When my husband makes the bed before going to work, and washes diapers without me having to even ask, I feel love. This may sound silly to someone who has a different love language. I encourage you to read about the love languages.
Performing an act of service is not only a love language, it is a valuable aspect of humanity, and therefore something that we need tom model for our children. I am not giving you the go ahead to wait on your children hand and foot, but doing something for them or others around them as an act of service is an important virtue to share with them. Balance my friends, it always comes down to balance. Teach your children to love in all the love languages, but try to allow them to do things for themselves too.
I have made myself heard on this topic in the past, here and here. Maria Montessori made it clear that when we do something for a child that he is capable of doing, we are putting up an obstacle in the way of his development. I believe this wholeheartedly. Children learn to be capable and self confident by doing things for themselves, making mistakes, struggling and facing challenges.
To avoid pampering does not mean that you withhold love or affection. Tell your children you love them, hug them daily, and encourage them, just don't help them when they don't need help. Don't rescue them when they don't need rescuing, and don't tell them what to do when they can figure it out on their own. Yes, even telling them what to do next is pampering. Here are two examples a bit of a morning routine with a 2 year old.
Example A: Mother says, "Let's go. It is time to go to grandma's house. Let's go get your shoes and sock." Mother grabs shoes and socks while holding the toddler's hand. "Let's put your shoes on." Mother puts the shoes and socks on. "Okay, lets go get in the car." Mother picks up the child and puts him in his car seat, and buckles the car seat. Off they go!
Example B: Mother says, "It's time to go to grandmas house. You need to wear shoes and socks, please." Toddler goes to grab his socks, brings them to his mother. Mother says, "I see you found your socks, please put them on." Toddler tries to put the socks on and then asks "help, please" when he gets to a point of frustration. Mother helps as little as possible to help him get the socks on. Mother says, "What d you still need?" Toddler looks at his feet and says, "shoes!" He runs off to find his shoes. Mother allows him to attempt to put his on shoes, and helps when necessary. Mother says, "Okay, you are already. Let's get in the car." Mother allows toddler to try to climb in the car and into his seat. She then allows him to attempt the buckles, and helps when needed. Off they go!
The difference between A and B, besides the amount of time it took to get to the point of leaving, is that the mom in B did not pamper the child. She allowed him to do what he could on his own, and by doing so, conveyed the message that he is capable. This kind of experience is possible when you Take Time for Training, and plan ahead. When children know how to do what is expected of them you can show faith in them. Planning ahead means allowing time for children to do things at their own pace, without feeling rushed. Things will not always go this smoothly, and some days your child will actually need more help than others. That is okay too. Some days we all need a little extra help!
At the same time, and for as much as I push for parents to give their children the chance to grow and experience things on their own, I also think it is important to mention the concept: Acts of Service.
One of the 5 Love Languages, as described by author Dr. Gary Chapman, is Acts of Service. Many people feel loved when other people do things for them, and in turn feel that they can best express love by doing for others. This happens to be my love language. When my husband makes the bed before going to work, and washes diapers without me having to even ask, I feel love. This may sound silly to someone who has a different love language. I encourage you to read about the love languages.
Performing an act of service is not only a love language, it is a valuable aspect of humanity, and therefore something that we need tom model for our children. I am not giving you the go ahead to wait on your children hand and foot, but doing something for them or others around them as an act of service is an important virtue to share with them. Balance my friends, it always comes down to balance. Teach your children to love in all the love languages, but try to allow them to do things for themselves too.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Letting Go!
Letting Go is a very simple tool, but seems to be very difficult for many parents. The card says "Letting go does not mean abandoning your child. It means allowing your child to learn responsibility and to feel capable." It is so funny how one mother's version of letting go seems like allowing her child to learn and grow while another mother would see it as neglect or lazy parenting.
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
I feel like so many parents these days are hung up on being "perfect" parents, and to them that means doing everything for their child. What they don't realize, is by doing for their child all the time they are not only not allowing their child to learn how to do it himself, but they are also constantly sending him the message that he is not capable. Once again I will share my favorite quote of Montessori, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development."
I know I harp on this point a lot, but it is probably the single most common parenting mistake that I see being made in a variety of settings. With helicopter parenting becoming more and more prevalent, we need to take a look at what we really want for our children. If we just want them to get perfect grades and participate in many extra curricular activities and stay out of trouble, then helicopter parenting might be the answer. I personally want more. I want my children to not only get good grades, but love learning. I want them to participate in activities that will open their eyes to our culture, enhance their physical health or enrinch their lives in a way that school and home don't. I want them stay out of trouble, but not because they are scared of the consequences that I will enforce, but because they know right from wrong and have a strong enough sense of their place in this world to make good choices.
Letting go is a tool that must start from birth. Montessori talks about the various transitions that our children go through as they develop. Immediately after birth they learn to drink milk, breath air, and cry. Before we know it they are learning to communicate with smiles, eye contact, and different cries. Then they sit, and eat solids. Not long after they crawl, then walk and soon they run. We cannot hold them back or they may physically or emotionally suffer. Children are constantly changing and growing and we must follow their lead and allow them to develop along their natural path. Even if what they do scares us a bit, we must allow them to explore and grow independently. That means not following them around at the park, not constantly telling them what to do or not to do, and not scooping them up and coddling them every time the get a little scrape or bump. As they get older, their independence will take the shape of new friendships that will begin to become ever more important and influential in their lives. Another moment we must let go a little and trust them.
As they grow, we take time for training and we take small steps toward letting go. Then we have to put our trust in our children and let them be who and what they will be. Knowing that your child has the knowledge and ability to be successful makes it easier on you to let go. In Montessori we say knowledge precedes choice. Children cannot be given freedom of choice without knowledge to guide them. So take time for training and then have faith in them.
Don't think that you are a bad parent if you do not rescue your child in every challenge that they face. Children need to deal with problems and difficulties and even failure, because that is part of life. As I have heard Jane Nelson put it many time, children need to strengthen their "disappointment muscles", so when they face more serious problems later on in life they are capable of dealing with them. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
The final, and possibly most important tip that comes with this tool is: "Get a life so your identity does not depend on managing your child's life." You are not just "Mommy"! Find things that interest you and inspire you outside of your children. Fullfilling yourself will make you a better parent. It also allows you to model the importance of taking care of yourself and nurturing your hobbies. A great lesson for your children. Here is an article I found about detaching from loved ones!
Letting go is much harder for some parents than it is for other. It doesn't happen over night, but if you take the time to teach, put faith in your children and be kind and firm, you will be able to slowly let go and let live!
Next week we will look at Win/Win Solutions!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Small Steps
This week's tool card is Small Steps. It says to break tasks down into small steps to allow children to experience success. Whether teaching a child to wash their hands, clean their room, or write a story, taking small steps is the best way to get there.
In the Montessori classroom we teach most things to the children in steps. Guides give lessons by performing the activity once in entirety while the child observes and then allow the child a chance to do it on their own. As the child gets older, the lessons increase in amount of steps as well as difficulty. For example, washing dishes in the toddler classroom involves: putting on an apron, dunking the dirty dish into the prepared soapy water bucket, scrubbing, dunking in the rinse water bucket then placing on the drying rack, hanging the apron back up. It requires six steps that must be performed in a specific order. As the child grows and moves into the primary classroom they will continue to wash dishes. The steps required to perform the task are: put on apron, fill pitcher with water, pour water into left basin, fill pitcher again, pour water into right basin, squeeze soap into left basin, dunk dish in soapy water, scrub with sponge, rinse in rinse water, place in drying rack, repeat with all dishes, use towel to dry dishes, stack clean dishes on the clean cart, empty used water from left and then right basin into the discard bucket, pour dirty water out, use towel to clean up work area, take dirty towel to laundry basket, replace towel with a fresh one, return apron to hook. That is now 20 steps that must be done in a specific order. By observing the adult, silently performing the activity, the child is able to "learn" what he is supposed to do to complete the job. Doing this work allows the child to contribute to the classroom community and develop his mathematical mind all while doing what many of us would consider a very remedial task.
Each human being has certain needs that must be met in order for survival. In order to satisfy these needs we respond with a variety of tendencies. Maria Montessori recognized these tendencies to be the driving, unconscious, forces that allow the individual to meet his basic needs.
These needs are:
1. Physical - food, shelter, health, safety
2. Psychological - love, security, intellectual nourishment
3. Spiritual - a belief in something , or a sense of self
The human tendencies that she described are the tendencies toward: Exploration, Work, A Mathematical Mind, Group Orientation, Spirituality. The tendency toward a mathematical mind is the one that responds to our teaching things in small steps. Following a logical sequence of actions, (set of small steps) allows the child to develop his mathematical mind and therefor responds to a basic human tendency.
Not only does it make sense to break big jobs or lessons down into small steps, because they seem more easy to manage that way, but now we can see that it is also the most appealing way for a child to go about learning something new.
When you use this tool in the home, you can slowly add more steps as your child matures. Remember to perform the actions slowly the first time that you model them and then be prepared to re-teach when necessary.
Ah, next week we will focus on controlling our own behavior!
In the Montessori classroom we teach most things to the children in steps. Guides give lessons by performing the activity once in entirety while the child observes and then allow the child a chance to do it on their own. As the child gets older, the lessons increase in amount of steps as well as difficulty. For example, washing dishes in the toddler classroom involves: putting on an apron, dunking the dirty dish into the prepared soapy water bucket, scrubbing, dunking in the rinse water bucket then placing on the drying rack, hanging the apron back up. It requires six steps that must be performed in a specific order. As the child grows and moves into the primary classroom they will continue to wash dishes. The steps required to perform the task are: put on apron, fill pitcher with water, pour water into left basin, fill pitcher again, pour water into right basin, squeeze soap into left basin, dunk dish in soapy water, scrub with sponge, rinse in rinse water, place in drying rack, repeat with all dishes, use towel to dry dishes, stack clean dishes on the clean cart, empty used water from left and then right basin into the discard bucket, pour dirty water out, use towel to clean up work area, take dirty towel to laundry basket, replace towel with a fresh one, return apron to hook. That is now 20 steps that must be done in a specific order. By observing the adult, silently performing the activity, the child is able to "learn" what he is supposed to do to complete the job. Doing this work allows the child to contribute to the classroom community and develop his mathematical mind all while doing what many of us would consider a very remedial task.
Each human being has certain needs that must be met in order for survival. In order to satisfy these needs we respond with a variety of tendencies. Maria Montessori recognized these tendencies to be the driving, unconscious, forces that allow the individual to meet his basic needs.
These needs are:
1. Physical - food, shelter, health, safety
2. Psychological - love, security, intellectual nourishment
3. Spiritual - a belief in something , or a sense of self
The human tendencies that she described are the tendencies toward: Exploration, Work, A Mathematical Mind, Group Orientation, Spirituality. The tendency toward a mathematical mind is the one that responds to our teaching things in small steps. Following a logical sequence of actions, (set of small steps) allows the child to develop his mathematical mind and therefor responds to a basic human tendency.
Not only does it make sense to break big jobs or lessons down into small steps, because they seem more easy to manage that way, but now we can see that it is also the most appealing way for a child to go about learning something new.
When you use this tool in the home, you can slowly add more steps as your child matures. Remember to perform the actions slowly the first time that you model them and then be prepared to re-teach when necessary.
Ah, next week we will focus on controlling our own behavior!
Friday, August 24, 2012
I love this!
This is a great reminder for the start of a new school year. Print this, bookmark it, frame it, share it and LIVE it!
Thank you to Beautiful Sun Montessori!
Beautiful Sun Montessori: Meditation for teachers.: When I graduated from my training, in my diploma folder was a copy of the "Montessori's Ten Commandments". I framed it and put it over my...
Thank you to Beautiful Sun Montessori!
Beautiful Sun Montessori: Meditation for teachers.: When I graduated from my training, in my diploma folder was a copy of the "Montessori's Ten Commandments". I framed it and put it over my...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Kind and Firm
One very important aspect of Positive Discipline is to be Kind and Firm at the same time. This is a very difficult concept for many parents and teachers to master. Instead of doing them both at the same time, people often fluctuate back and forth between too kind and too firm. I know I have been guilty of this. My daughter pushes my buttons until I snap. I yell or say something I don't really mean, and then I feel guilty for having been so tough on her and I try to make up for it by being extra nice. It is a vicious cycle, and hard to get out of. Sometimes one parent is too nice, so the other parent tries to make up for the perceived lack of firmness and is extra strict with the children. Both scenarios are very confusing for children.
In Montessori we have a similar expression, Freedom and Discipline. The two concepts are dependent upon eachother. When Montessori talks about discipline in the child it is something that comes from within. A mastery and control of one's self is to be disciplined. This is something that children gain during their first six years of life. Freedom to the child, is to be able to follow their inner teacher and to fulfill their needs completely.
Just like Kind and Firm, Freedom and Discipline must come together. Too much of one and the other is sacrificed. Freedom in the Montessori classroom means choice. Children are free to choose what they will work with depending on their interest. It is kind to allow children to make choices for themselves and do as they desire, but it will not work unless there are limits. Montessori limits are clear and simple. 1. All actions must take into consideration the greater interest of the group, and 2. Knowledge precedes choice. With these two simple ideas children can find a balance between what they desire to do and what is acceptable. A teacher or parent can kindly and firmly implement the limits.
How does this look in real life? A child who takes out the scissors and attempts to cut a piece of paper, but hasn't yet been shown that lesson will gently be reminded that he has not yet had that lesson and will need to put it away. Another child, who as had a lesson with cutting paper, takes out the scissors and attempts to cut another child's hair. This child will be reminded kindly that the scissor are only for cutting paper. It would not be in the greater interest of the group to allow children to cut whatever they want with the scissors. In neither situation would the teacher yell, shame or punish the child. A clear reminder of the limits with a kind tone will often solve the problem.
I am not saying that this is all that will be necessary. Further action is often necessary, and that is when another tool might come into play. The important thing about the Kind and Firm tool, is that you continue to use it at all times. It is beneficial to approach each interaction with your children both kindly and firmly. Rules are rules, and they can and must be enforced, but it can be done in a kind and respectful manner. Shame and blame are not kind and aren't even more effective at teaching then a more respectful approach would be.
Children need to feel free to make choices for themselves, but they are not ready to make all their own decisions yet, and that is why they need limits. Limits allow the children to acquire self discipline. When they know what to expect and what is expected of them, they feel confident in their ability to make choices and do so happily. If you kindly implement consistent limits in your home, you will feel like a better parent and your children will gain self mastery, a trait that will carry them throughout their life. Remember, children do better when they feel better, and children feel better when they are approached with kindness and firmness at the same time!
Coming up next: Pay Attention!
In Montessori we have a similar expression, Freedom and Discipline. The two concepts are dependent upon eachother. When Montessori talks about discipline in the child it is something that comes from within. A mastery and control of one's self is to be disciplined. This is something that children gain during their first six years of life. Freedom to the child, is to be able to follow their inner teacher and to fulfill their needs completely.
Just like Kind and Firm, Freedom and Discipline must come together. Too much of one and the other is sacrificed. Freedom in the Montessori classroom means choice. Children are free to choose what they will work with depending on their interest. It is kind to allow children to make choices for themselves and do as they desire, but it will not work unless there are limits. Montessori limits are clear and simple. 1. All actions must take into consideration the greater interest of the group, and 2. Knowledge precedes choice. With these two simple ideas children can find a balance between what they desire to do and what is acceptable. A teacher or parent can kindly and firmly implement the limits.
How does this look in real life? A child who takes out the scissors and attempts to cut a piece of paper, but hasn't yet been shown that lesson will gently be reminded that he has not yet had that lesson and will need to put it away. Another child, who as had a lesson with cutting paper, takes out the scissors and attempts to cut another child's hair. This child will be reminded kindly that the scissor are only for cutting paper. It would not be in the greater interest of the group to allow children to cut whatever they want with the scissors. In neither situation would the teacher yell, shame or punish the child. A clear reminder of the limits with a kind tone will often solve the problem.
I am not saying that this is all that will be necessary. Further action is often necessary, and that is when another tool might come into play. The important thing about the Kind and Firm tool, is that you continue to use it at all times. It is beneficial to approach each interaction with your children both kindly and firmly. Rules are rules, and they can and must be enforced, but it can be done in a kind and respectful manner. Shame and blame are not kind and aren't even more effective at teaching then a more respectful approach would be.
Children need to feel free to make choices for themselves, but they are not ready to make all their own decisions yet, and that is why they need limits. Limits allow the children to acquire self discipline. When they know what to expect and what is expected of them, they feel confident in their ability to make choices and do so happily. If you kindly implement consistent limits in your home, you will feel like a better parent and your children will gain self mastery, a trait that will carry them throughout their life. Remember, children do better when they feel better, and children feel better when they are approached with kindness and firmness at the same time!
Coming up next: Pay Attention!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Empower
The tool card we worked with most recently was Empower Your Kids! When Jane Nelson shares this tool she does so in comparison with enabling your children, as in Empower vs. Enable. Which would you choose? Which are you currently doing? It is surprising to many parents when they discover that the things they do in the name of love or protection, are actually enabling their children. When you enable your children they get the message from you that they are not capable or competent. I am sure no parent would choose to give this message to their children, but without knowing we do it all the time.
One type of enabling that I see all the time is: Doing things for the child that he could do for herself. Parents love their children, and they think that the way they should show their love is by "helping" their children as much as possible. In Montessori we see this as one of the biggest obstacles that parents create for their children. Montessori said, "Any unnecessary help is a hinderance to development". Every time you do for a child what she could do herself, you might as well tell her aloud, "You are not capable of doing that, let me do if for you"! Of course parents would rarely say it in words, but their actions are saying it loud and clear to the child. By allowing your child to complete the task on his own to the best of his ability you empower her.
This form of empowerment starts at birth. As soon as the child is capable of doing something, you must let her. When the child is capable of digesting food, feed her solids. When she is able to grasp a spoon, let her do so in attempts to feed herself. No, all the food won't make it to her mouth, and you may need a second spoon to ensure that some of the food does make it in, but don't take that opportunity from her. This continues as they develop: drinking from a glass, crawling, walking, using the toilet, running, climbing, spending time away from you, all the way to driving, and eventually living alone!
Children must be allowed to do for themselves, and know that you are behind them, believing in them and supporting them from a distance. We can't constantly protect them, hover over them, make excuses for them, over protect them, and rescue them, and then expect them to be able to do things for themselves. When we enable them we break them down, and when we empower them we build them up!
You can start empowering your children today. Express your faith in them, work with them to find solutions to problems and teach life skills, try to step back and let go, a little bit at a time. When we let go and give children power over themselves they rise to the occasion. When they have to go behind our backs to use their power they often make undesirable choices. They will make mistakes when you empower them too, but they just need to be reminded that mistakes are wonderful opportunities for learning. Check out an older post on embracing mistakes. Children who are given the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them get stronger, smarter, and more confident in their ability to handle what life brings. That is what I want, children who grow up to be confident capable adults!
Next week: Motivation.
One type of enabling that I see all the time is: Doing things for the child that he could do for herself. Parents love their children, and they think that the way they should show their love is by "helping" their children as much as possible. In Montessori we see this as one of the biggest obstacles that parents create for their children. Montessori said, "Any unnecessary help is a hinderance to development". Every time you do for a child what she could do herself, you might as well tell her aloud, "You are not capable of doing that, let me do if for you"! Of course parents would rarely say it in words, but their actions are saying it loud and clear to the child. By allowing your child to complete the task on his own to the best of his ability you empower her.
This form of empowerment starts at birth. As soon as the child is capable of doing something, you must let her. When the child is capable of digesting food, feed her solids. When she is able to grasp a spoon, let her do so in attempts to feed herself. No, all the food won't make it to her mouth, and you may need a second spoon to ensure that some of the food does make it in, but don't take that opportunity from her. This continues as they develop: drinking from a glass, crawling, walking, using the toilet, running, climbing, spending time away from you, all the way to driving, and eventually living alone!
Children must be allowed to do for themselves, and know that you are behind them, believing in them and supporting them from a distance. We can't constantly protect them, hover over them, make excuses for them, over protect them, and rescue them, and then expect them to be able to do things for themselves. When we enable them we break them down, and when we empower them we build them up!
You can start empowering your children today. Express your faith in them, work with them to find solutions to problems and teach life skills, try to step back and let go, a little bit at a time. When we let go and give children power over themselves they rise to the occasion. When they have to go behind our backs to use their power they often make undesirable choices. They will make mistakes when you empower them too, but they just need to be reminded that mistakes are wonderful opportunities for learning. Check out an older post on embracing mistakes. Children who are given the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them get stronger, smarter, and more confident in their ability to handle what life brings. That is what I want, children who grow up to be confident capable adults!
Next week: Motivation.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Encouragement
We will be taking a look at the tool: Praise vs. Encouragement toward the end of the year. In the mean time you should check out the blog of a friend and fellow Montessori mom, The Full Monte(ssori). There is a nice post about this topic from a purely Montessori perspective, yet it still falls right in line with Positive Discipline. That is why I love both philosophies so much. They both respect the child for the adult he will become and aim to construct him to his fullest potential. Check out the post!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Distract and Redirect
This week's tool really is more than just a tool. It is a way of life when you have a toddler in your life. Fortunately for you all, I got to practice it at least 1000 times just this week, so I have a ton of first hand experience to speak from. The tool is Distract and Redirect, and unless you enjoy yelling and constantly saying "NO" and "STOP", then you ought to at least give this one a try.
The idea is simple, instead of saying "no" or telling your child to "stop", you simply steer them toward an activity that you find more acceptable. Instead of telling your child to stop banging on the t.v. with his ball you invite him to a hammering toy. Or my favorite, when my son is struggling against me as I try to put him into the car seat, I offer him a book or snack to distract him while I buckle him in.
Toddlers and babies under the age of two don't fully understand the meaning of the word no. They may understand that you don't want them to do what they are doing, but that is the extent of it. Montessori speaks of young children being lead by their inner teacher. This teacher encourages them to do the things that they need to do to create themselves. As your child goes through the various sensitive periods (periods of intense interest in one area), their inner teacher guides them to the activities that will best fulfill their current interests. When a child is "misbehaving" (according to you) and you tell them no, they have no desire or interest to follow your instruction because their inner teacher is much louder (and more fun) than you at that moment. Your "no" may even be an obsta
It comes back to the foundation of the Montessori philosophy: Observation. Maria Montessori developed her theories on the development of children by simply observing them. To observe a child is to silently watch the actions of your child. Without judgement or critique you must learn to look beyond your ideas of what they should be doing and see what they are doing. That is the only way that you can meet the needs of your child.
Once you have spent time observing you will know the current needs and interests of your child. If she is constantly pushing furniture or the laundry basket around the house, then she is trying to coordinate her gross motor movements. She needs to be given an open space and a push cart or such toy to use freely until the interest has been satisfied and the skill attained. Instead of telling her no and taking away the item she is pushing you give her an acceptable option for performing the activity of her choice.
Recently, my son has been taking our things from around the house and putting them places they don't belong. I find my husbands socks in my purse, my daughters library books in the laundry basket and bath toys in the toilet. This is an exasperating activity to all the members of my household except my son. He clearly has an interest in transferring objects. To meet this need I filled one drawer in the kitchen with extra kitchen items that are safe for him to handle and I leave out a reusable grocery bag. He has spent many hours transferring the things from drawer to bad and back. We also made him a new activity called a mystery bag. It is a small bag with a draw string that you can't see through. Inside are many different objects that he can feel with his hands, then pull out to discover what they are. As he takes them out he puts them in the basket that we keep the bag in on the shelf. He really enjoys this, but I do continue to find new items in there regularly. I guess it is a mystery bag for all of us!
The next time you find your child doing something that you would rather he didn't do, instead of saying "no" and stopping his behavior invite him to do something else. If possible, make it something that will meet his needs and yours.
Even if you can't redirect to a related activity, this tool is still effective. There are certain things in life that we just have to do, even if we don't like them. By distracting your child at theses moments you can make things go a lot more smoothly for both of you. We use the "cleaning monster" in our house to wash our son's face after meals. After he has had a turn cleaning his face, the cleaning monster comes along with a silly sound and cleans up the rest. The job gets done and everyone is a lot happier. My almost six year old still loves to race to get our p.j.'s on or put our laundry away the fastest. A boring task becomes a fun game. We are not taking away from the lesson, "Like it or, it has to be done", instead we are teaching our to find the joy in an unwelcome situation. Don't we all need a little distraction every now and then!
Next week's tool is: Decide What You Will Do.
The idea is simple, instead of saying "no" or telling your child to "stop", you simply steer them toward an activity that you find more acceptable. Instead of telling your child to stop banging on the t.v. with his ball you invite him to a hammering toy. Or my favorite, when my son is struggling against me as I try to put him into the car seat, I offer him a book or snack to distract him while I buckle him in.
Toddlers and babies under the age of two don't fully understand the meaning of the word no. They may understand that you don't want them to do what they are doing, but that is the extent of it. Montessori speaks of young children being lead by their inner teacher. This teacher encourages them to do the things that they need to do to create themselves. As your child goes through the various sensitive periods (periods of intense interest in one area), their inner teacher guides them to the activities that will best fulfill their current interests. When a child is "misbehaving" (according to you) and you tell them no, they have no desire or interest to follow your instruction because their inner teacher is much louder (and more fun) than you at that moment. Your "no" may even be an obsta
It comes back to the foundation of the Montessori philosophy: Observation. Maria Montessori developed her theories on the development of children by simply observing them. To observe a child is to silently watch the actions of your child. Without judgement or critique you must learn to look beyond your ideas of what they should be doing and see what they are doing. That is the only way that you can meet the needs of your child.
Once you have spent time observing you will know the current needs and interests of your child. If she is constantly pushing furniture or the laundry basket around the house, then she is trying to coordinate her gross motor movements. She needs to be given an open space and a push cart or such toy to use freely until the interest has been satisfied and the skill attained. Instead of telling her no and taking away the item she is pushing you give her an acceptable option for performing the activity of her choice.
Recently, my son has been taking our things from around the house and putting them places they don't belong. I find my husbands socks in my purse, my daughters library books in the laundry basket and bath toys in the toilet. This is an exasperating activity to all the members of my household except my son. He clearly has an interest in transferring objects. To meet this need I filled one drawer in the kitchen with extra kitchen items that are safe for him to handle and I leave out a reusable grocery bag. He has spent many hours transferring the things from drawer to bad and back. We also made him a new activity called a mystery bag. It is a small bag with a draw string that you can't see through. Inside are many different objects that he can feel with his hands, then pull out to discover what they are. As he takes them out he puts them in the basket that we keep the bag in on the shelf. He really enjoys this, but I do continue to find new items in there regularly. I guess it is a mystery bag for all of us!
The next time you find your child doing something that you would rather he didn't do, instead of saying "no" and stopping his behavior invite him to do something else. If possible, make it something that will meet his needs and yours.
Even if you can't redirect to a related activity, this tool is still effective. There are certain things in life that we just have to do, even if we don't like them. By distracting your child at theses moments you can make things go a lot more smoothly for both of you. We use the "cleaning monster" in our house to wash our son's face after meals. After he has had a turn cleaning his face, the cleaning monster comes along with a silly sound and cleans up the rest. The job gets done and everyone is a lot happier. My almost six year old still loves to race to get our p.j.'s on or put our laundry away the fastest. A boring task becomes a fun game. We are not taking away from the lesson, "Like it or, it has to be done", instead we are teaching our to find the joy in an unwelcome situation. Don't we all need a little distraction every now and then!
Next week's tool is: Decide What You Will Do.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Winning Cooperation
Winning Cooperation, another tool in the Positive Discipline tool box. In the dictionary it says that cooperation is the process of working or acting together. It says in its simplest form it involves things working in harmony... Ah, working together, in harmony? Doesn't that sound like the kind of parenting you want? I think it is essential for children and parents to cooperate with each other to maintain a peaceful home. To coexist in a way that encourages instead of discourages growth, development and love.
The Winning Cooperation Tool Card says Children feel encouraged when you understand and respect their point of view. It says that after you have showed empathy and understanding for the child's feelings, you can share your thoughts, feelings and similar experiences. After sharing feelings, and making a connection with your child, the two of you can focus on solutions together.
We know that we want cooperation, and now we know a way to work toward it. I think we should also look at this from a Montessori perspective. In the Montessori classroom we are constantly striving to give the children independence. One aspect of being independent is the ability to solve problems or conflicts on your own. Children are not born with this skill, it is something that they learn from doing and watching. As with all the other lessons in the classroom, we model how to interact and solve problems by working with the children to find solutions. Teachers benefit from taking time to win cooperation before modeling the problem solving. Eventually children begin to negotiate problems on their own, and they can often be observed working to win cooperation from their peers before attempting to solve their problems. Remember, children from birth to six, have absorbant minds. Everything we model for them they take in and use again. Make your interactions count!
Next weeks we will work on: Distract and Redirect.
The Winning Cooperation Tool Card says Children feel encouraged when you understand and respect their point of view. It says that after you have showed empathy and understanding for the child's feelings, you can share your thoughts, feelings and similar experiences. After sharing feelings, and making a connection with your child, the two of you can focus on solutions together.
We know that we want cooperation, and now we know a way to work toward it. I think we should also look at this from a Montessori perspective. In the Montessori classroom we are constantly striving to give the children independence. One aspect of being independent is the ability to solve problems or conflicts on your own. Children are not born with this skill, it is something that they learn from doing and watching. As with all the other lessons in the classroom, we model how to interact and solve problems by working with the children to find solutions. Teachers benefit from taking time to win cooperation before modeling the problem solving. Eventually children begin to negotiate problems on their own, and they can often be observed working to win cooperation from their peers before attempting to solve their problems. Remember, children from birth to six, have absorbant minds. Everything we model for them they take in and use again. Make your interactions count!
Next weeks we will work on: Distract and Redirect.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Back Talk
This week's tool card was: Back Talk. The card says that when you respond to your child's back talk with more talk you create a power struggle. Remember last week we talked about the brain, and how sometimes we lose control of our emotions, we flip our lids and respond with our non-thinking brains. Another important thing to know is that we all have mirror neurons in our brains. These neurons are great from a Montessori perspective. We give "lessons" to children in the Montessori classroom by performing the action while the child observes, their mirror neurons pick it up and then they get the opportunity to repeat the exercise as many times as they like until they have mastered the skill involved. The negative side of these neurons is that they sometimes cause us to repeat negative behaviors that we observe.
A frequently occurring example of this happens in my home. My husbands asks our five year old to sit down on her bottom while she is eating. She sits for a minute and then is back up on her knees or feet moving around. He asks her again, this time a little frustrated, so he adds in an annoyed explanation as to why she should sit while eating. Her mirror neurons react and she responds with an annoyed, "I AM sitting down". When of course she wasn't. His mirror neurons fire and he responds with, "no you weren't, I just saw you hoping around on the bench". This goes on and on for a while, until one of them flips their lid and either something gets spilled or broken or someone says something they don't mean. It is a definite power struggle that no one wins! It isn't always my husband that gets sucked into these situations either.
We have really been working on the suggestions on the card. We have been trying to validate her feelings, acknowledging how she feels often is enough to stop the cycle. We also try to take responsibility for our part in the argument. If the situation continues to escalate we try to take some time to cool down so that we can be respectful of each other. This is something we get to work on together very often. Hopefully, we will master this tool very soon!
Next week we will work with Winning Cooperation.
A frequently occurring example of this happens in my home. My husbands asks our five year old to sit down on her bottom while she is eating. She sits for a minute and then is back up on her knees or feet moving around. He asks her again, this time a little frustrated, so he adds in an annoyed explanation as to why she should sit while eating. Her mirror neurons react and she responds with an annoyed, "I AM sitting down". When of course she wasn't. His mirror neurons fire and he responds with, "no you weren't, I just saw you hoping around on the bench". This goes on and on for a while, until one of them flips their lid and either something gets spilled or broken or someone says something they don't mean. It is a definite power struggle that no one wins! It isn't always my husband that gets sucked into these situations either.
We have really been working on the suggestions on the card. We have been trying to validate her feelings, acknowledging how she feels often is enough to stop the cycle. We also try to take responsibility for our part in the argument. If the situation continues to escalate we try to take some time to cool down so that we can be respectful of each other. This is something we get to work on together very often. Hopefully, we will master this tool very soon!
Next week we will work with Winning Cooperation.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Wheel of Choice
This weeks tool: The Wheel of Choice is an actual physical tool that puts many of the other Positive Discipline Tools together. It is a hands on approach to giving children the power of choice. Basically it is an actual wheel, much like a board game spinner, that is divided into options for your child to choose when has lost control of themselves in their current situation. There are 14 different problem solving choices that can be taught to children in your home or in a classroom. Just like the Montessori concept, "knowledge precedes choice", once children have knowledge of each choice they can use this information to solve their own problems.
A few of may favorite choices are: Ask for help, Count to ten, Say what you want, and Try again. These don't really need much explanation, but take a moment to think about how powerful they can be to a child who has flipped his lid.
I have not gotten around to setting this up yet in my home. We have done the training and have an arsenal tools we could put on our own wheel. I am sure this could help with some of the heightened emotions that have been in our home since the introduction of our second child. I really should get to this... I will let you know when I do and how it goes, I promise.
Next week: Act without words, I'll say no more...
A few of may favorite choices are: Ask for help, Count to ten, Say what you want, and Try again. These don't really need much explanation, but take a moment to think about how powerful they can be to a child who has flipped his lid.
I have not gotten around to setting this up yet in my home. We have done the training and have an arsenal tools we could put on our own wheel. I am sure this could help with some of the heightened emotions that have been in our home since the introduction of our second child. I really should get to this... I will let you know when I do and how it goes, I promise.
Next week: Act without words, I'll say no more...
Monday, May 14, 2012
Teach Children What To Do
The Parenting Tool this week was Teach Children What To Do. To me, this tool sums up Positive Discipline and Montessori in one! Teach - what a powerful word. I love that, very simply, a parent or educator can learn to respond to what they view as disciplinary problems with education.
I have heard that very young children have a bit of selective hearing. A parent might say, "Don't hit" or "Don't jump on the couch", and the young child hears "hit" or "Jump on the couch". I don't know if that is exactly true, but it does seem like that when they do exactly what you tell them not to do. I also know a lot of parents who complain that their toddler's favorite word is "no". If that is the word that they hear most often, then it is likely that that will be the word that they use most often too.
There is a very commonly known quote from Maria Montessori, "Help me to do it by myself"! Young children desire instruction as to what to do. Knowing this, we can easily divert a child who is doing something undesirable by teaching them what they can do. If a child is repeating a behavior, then we have to assume that they have a need to do it for the purpose of acquiring a specific skill. We have to give the opportunity to do it in an appropriate way. A child who is constantly throwing things needs to be given a soft ball to throw inside or taken outside to throw a ball there.
Our baby boy started pushing things around the house. Things like our laundry basket, light furniture, pots and pans, etc. We recognized his need to have a safe and appropriate thing to push. Once we gave him a push wagon to use whenever he desired, his pushing behavior was curtailed and we were less likely trip over random things in strange places.
One rainy afternoon, our daughter was climbing all over our furniture, jumping and sliding down the most unlikely things. First I asked her to use the couch for sitting. She continued to climb minutes later. I recognized her need to climb. We went to a indoor gym that afternoon, where she was instructed in some major moving and climbing. Her needs to climb were met and my needs to have her stop climbing the furniture were met!
Teaching is pretty easy, and it can be fun too, but most importantly it is a very effective parenting tool!
Next we will work on: Put Kids in the Same Boat.
I have heard that very young children have a bit of selective hearing. A parent might say, "Don't hit" or "Don't jump on the couch", and the young child hears "hit" or "Jump on the couch". I don't know if that is exactly true, but it does seem like that when they do exactly what you tell them not to do. I also know a lot of parents who complain that their toddler's favorite word is "no". If that is the word that they hear most often, then it is likely that that will be the word that they use most often too.
There is a very commonly known quote from Maria Montessori, "Help me to do it by myself"! Young children desire instruction as to what to do. Knowing this, we can easily divert a child who is doing something undesirable by teaching them what they can do. If a child is repeating a behavior, then we have to assume that they have a need to do it for the purpose of acquiring a specific skill. We have to give the opportunity to do it in an appropriate way. A child who is constantly throwing things needs to be given a soft ball to throw inside or taken outside to throw a ball there.
Our baby boy started pushing things around the house. Things like our laundry basket, light furniture, pots and pans, etc. We recognized his need to have a safe and appropriate thing to push. Once we gave him a push wagon to use whenever he desired, his pushing behavior was curtailed and we were less likely trip over random things in strange places.
One rainy afternoon, our daughter was climbing all over our furniture, jumping and sliding down the most unlikely things. First I asked her to use the couch for sitting. She continued to climb minutes later. I recognized her need to climb. We went to a indoor gym that afternoon, where she was instructed in some major moving and climbing. Her needs to climb were met and my needs to have her stop climbing the furniture were met!
Teaching is pretty easy, and it can be fun too, but most importantly it is a very effective parenting tool!
Next we will work on: Put Kids in the Same Boat.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Jobs
Our tool this week is Jobs! For me, jobs and chores have basically the same meaning, but if you think of chores as something that your child does in exchange for money than maybe thinking of jobs as something different will help you implement this new idea. Jobs are age appropriate tasks tat children perform to contribute to the family. Everyone benefits from these jobs. Children learn life skills, everyone shares the load of keeping up the home, and children feel capable and needed.
The first step in creating a job routine in your home is to, along with the help of your children, identify the jobs that need to be done and those which are do-able for them. Once you have all agreed on the jobs that your children will be responsible for you need to develop a plan for when and how they will get done. There are many options for this including: chore charts, wheel of jobs with a spinner or a drawing jobs from a hat. The next step goes back a couple weeks - "Take Time for Training". All children need to be show how to do the jobs that you expect them to do properly, children under six will continue to need help and coaching with their jobs. Once everyone knows what to do and how to do it, you will need set clear expectations as to when the jobs will be completed This plan is created and agreed upon by all members in the family. It is also good to discuss what will happen when these plans aren't adhered to.
What this looks like in our house: Our daughter has a chore chart. It has an assortment of ten chores, five that apply to the whole house and five that are specific to her room/things. Each day has two spots next to it, in which she chooses one whole house chore and one personal chore to do each day of the week. We take the weekends off. I have spent time training her on all these chores, but still find that I occasionally need to work with her on chores and/or give her verbal reminders of the steps involved in the chores. We have agreed that she can choose when to do the chores, but that they need to be completed before dinner, so if they are not done when I start preparing dinner I will give her a reminder at that time. For the most part this works. I like the fact that she chooses which chores she will do each day. We have talked about the way to choose, not only what you feel like doing, but also what needs to be done on any given day. Of course there are days that we are too busy for chores, and on those days we try to make up the next day or just skip some of the less important chores. Some are not skippable - putting away her laundry, for example. Others, like dusting can occasionally skipped!
These are the formal jobs that my daughter has, but she does a lot of other jobs around the house too. She picks up baby toys, she gets the mail, makes our salad, sets the table, unloads the dishwasher, and much, much more. No she is not working all the time, but she likes to help out, it makes her feel valued and she really does help. There are days that I think to myself, I don't know what I would do with out her help! She is really learning life skills in the form of chores, time management and cooperation.
Jobs help make her more independent. In the Montessori philosophy contributing to the family or class is an important aspect of development and goes back to one of my favorite quotes, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development". If your children can do it themselves, please allow them to!
Next week we will work on: Mistakes - now that sounds like an easy one, doesn't it?
The first step in creating a job routine in your home is to, along with the help of your children, identify the jobs that need to be done and those which are do-able for them. Once you have all agreed on the jobs that your children will be responsible for you need to develop a plan for when and how they will get done. There are many options for this including: chore charts, wheel of jobs with a spinner or a drawing jobs from a hat. The next step goes back a couple weeks - "Take Time for Training". All children need to be show how to do the jobs that you expect them to do properly, children under six will continue to need help and coaching with their jobs. Once everyone knows what to do and how to do it, you will need set clear expectations as to when the jobs will be completed This plan is created and agreed upon by all members in the family. It is also good to discuss what will happen when these plans aren't adhered to.
What this looks like in our house: Our daughter has a chore chart. It has an assortment of ten chores, five that apply to the whole house and five that are specific to her room/things. Each day has two spots next to it, in which she chooses one whole house chore and one personal chore to do each day of the week. We take the weekends off. I have spent time training her on all these chores, but still find that I occasionally need to work with her on chores and/or give her verbal reminders of the steps involved in the chores. We have agreed that she can choose when to do the chores, but that they need to be completed before dinner, so if they are not done when I start preparing dinner I will give her a reminder at that time. For the most part this works. I like the fact that she chooses which chores she will do each day. We have talked about the way to choose, not only what you feel like doing, but also what needs to be done on any given day. Of course there are days that we are too busy for chores, and on those days we try to make up the next day or just skip some of the less important chores. Some are not skippable - putting away her laundry, for example. Others, like dusting can occasionally skipped!
These are the formal jobs that my daughter has, but she does a lot of other jobs around the house too. She picks up baby toys, she gets the mail, makes our salad, sets the table, unloads the dishwasher, and much, much more. No she is not working all the time, but she likes to help out, it makes her feel valued and she really does help. There are days that I think to myself, I don't know what I would do with out her help! She is really learning life skills in the form of chores, time management and cooperation.
Jobs help make her more independent. In the Montessori philosophy contributing to the family or class is an important aspect of development and goes back to one of my favorite quotes, "Any unnecessary help is a hindrance to development". If your children can do it themselves, please allow them to!
Next week we will work on: Mistakes - now that sounds like an easy one, doesn't it?
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Validate Feelings
Another week of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools. This week we worked on the tool card Validate Feelings. The main point here is to allow your children to experience and and all emotions, help them with identifying/noticing the feeling they are having and allow them to work past it.
This tool is such a respectful and honorable tool. It fits in with the Montessori philosophy so well, as many of the tools do! What I really like about it is that it makes you look at the child as a competent, sensitive, insightful human being. There is no dismissing of feelings or emotions, even the ones that push our buttons, and that is what really hit home for me.
I have always been pretty good about helping my daughter to look at the emotion she is feeling, name it and talk about it with her if needed. We also spend a lot of time in our house talking about negative versus positive emotions and how each makes us feel inside. Positive emotions like love, joy, excitement, passion, etc make us feel good all over. Negative emotions, like anger, annoyance, boredom, jealousy, sadness, etc. often make us feel bad, both physically and emotionally. We like to try to take deep breaths, ask for hugs, and use words to explain how we are feeling before these negative emotions take over our bodies. This isn't always possible, and so we also talk about ways to let out the negative emotions in a way that is not hurtful, physically or emotionally, to ourselves or others. Things like crying, taking deep breaths, or writing what we are feeling down are all acceptable ways to physically express a feeling like anger. With children, and adults for that matter, this is something that takes time to learn.
That brings me to the pushing my buttons part. The hardest part of parenting, for me, is not allowing my self to be sucked in to the emotional rants of my children. I love them so much and I spend so much time with them that I find it hard not to take it personally when they are angry or upset. When I respond with anger it only makes things worse, MUCH WORSE! My five year old daughter is very emotional at times. I am sure most mother's of five year olds would probably say the same. She can go from peaceful to frenzied in a matter of seconds over a broken crayon or the proverbial spilled milk. The thing is though, she can go back to calm that quickly, IF the response she gets to her outbreak is calm, non-confrontational, and respectful. If I don't allow myself to be consumed by her negative emotion, and get angry about the feeling she is having, things usually work themselves out. In the end negative feelings are usually the expression of painful past experiences or expectations of the future, not really what is happening that moment. The first few times your child spills her milk she will not be upset by this, but if you yell or respond in a negative way to the spill, then he next time it happens she will also get angry and or upset, more because she anticipates your response and is thinking about how she felt the last time you got angry about it. The spilled milk is really no big deal, let it go.
In then end this tool card for me is more about teaching children to recognize the bigger picture -- the present moment. When they can do that they often don't need to spend time feeling the negative emotions, they can learn to just let them go. Children are naturally much better at doing this than adults, so when we start talking about validating feelings we also have to be careful that we aren't magnifying something that we could really just let go!
And the next tool is: Positive Time-Out, uh-oh this one is a tricky one!
This tool is such a respectful and honorable tool. It fits in with the Montessori philosophy so well, as many of the tools do! What I really like about it is that it makes you look at the child as a competent, sensitive, insightful human being. There is no dismissing of feelings or emotions, even the ones that push our buttons, and that is what really hit home for me.
I have always been pretty good about helping my daughter to look at the emotion she is feeling, name it and talk about it with her if needed. We also spend a lot of time in our house talking about negative versus positive emotions and how each makes us feel inside. Positive emotions like love, joy, excitement, passion, etc make us feel good all over. Negative emotions, like anger, annoyance, boredom, jealousy, sadness, etc. often make us feel bad, both physically and emotionally. We like to try to take deep breaths, ask for hugs, and use words to explain how we are feeling before these negative emotions take over our bodies. This isn't always possible, and so we also talk about ways to let out the negative emotions in a way that is not hurtful, physically or emotionally, to ourselves or others. Things like crying, taking deep breaths, or writing what we are feeling down are all acceptable ways to physically express a feeling like anger. With children, and adults for that matter, this is something that takes time to learn.
That brings me to the pushing my buttons part. The hardest part of parenting, for me, is not allowing my self to be sucked in to the emotional rants of my children. I love them so much and I spend so much time with them that I find it hard not to take it personally when they are angry or upset. When I respond with anger it only makes things worse, MUCH WORSE! My five year old daughter is very emotional at times. I am sure most mother's of five year olds would probably say the same. She can go from peaceful to frenzied in a matter of seconds over a broken crayon or the proverbial spilled milk. The thing is though, she can go back to calm that quickly, IF the response she gets to her outbreak is calm, non-confrontational, and respectful. If I don't allow myself to be consumed by her negative emotion, and get angry about the feeling she is having, things usually work themselves out. In the end negative feelings are usually the expression of painful past experiences or expectations of the future, not really what is happening that moment. The first few times your child spills her milk she will not be upset by this, but if you yell or respond in a negative way to the spill, then he next time it happens she will also get angry and or upset, more because she anticipates your response and is thinking about how she felt the last time you got angry about it. The spilled milk is really no big deal, let it go.
In then end this tool card for me is more about teaching children to recognize the bigger picture -- the present moment. When they can do that they often don't need to spend time feeling the negative emotions, they can learn to just let them go. Children are naturally much better at doing this than adults, so when we start talking about validating feelings we also have to be careful that we aren't magnifying something that we could really just let go!
And the next tool is: Positive Time-Out, uh-oh this one is a tricky one!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Toileting!
It is that time in our house! Our baby boy turned ten months yesterday. For some reason, sort of explained below, this is when we really begin with toilet training!
This will be our second time around with this task. We are practically pros. We have done it once, we can do it again... right? These are the encouraging words I have been vocalizing in preparing myself and my husband for this.
First, let me tell you about our first experience, and then we will get to my thoughts and plans for the little guy. When our daughter was born, I was working full time at a Montessori school. Within the Montessori community there are, of course, some varied ideas of how, and more importantly, when to start with toilet learning. In the end, toileting is another step toward independence, and that is something ALL Montessorians can agree on. Working in the Montessori community gave me some inside connections and insights when it came to parenting, including toileting. I knew that I would start early, use cotton diapers and eventually underpants, and make toileting a regular part of our life. I had seen many schools starting children in training pants/underpants as early as one year, so I knew that I would need to have supplies and a plan by then.
The first thing I did was purchase the book Diaper Free Before Three by Jill Lekovic. It is a great book on toileting, because it offers medical evidence as to how, why, and when you should potty train. It also provides statistics about the shifting average age of starting and complete toilet training here in the US. It is pretty interesting that before the 1960's people didn't believe that children needed to reach specific milestones to prove their readiness for toilet training. This resulted in most children being completely trained(dry during the day) before they turned two. Nowadays people wait for their child to "show an interest" in toileting before they even begin training. Doctors even make parents believe that they could harm their child by trying to train them too early. In my opinion that is CRAZY, but that is just my opinion. By the way, the average age of complete training (dry all day) is now closer to three and a half!
I was convinced that I needed to start early. It was also pretty clear that disposable diapers and pull-ups don't help the situation at all. I used cloth diapers as much as I could in her first year. At ten months, right after reading the book, I bought a tiny potty for my daughter. The potty has to be the appropriate size for the child to feel stable. We started sitting her on it and reading a story every morning after nursing. She loved books, so it was a breeze to keep her there as long as we were willing to sit with her. She often urinated and even had an occasional bowel movement (bm) on her new potty. We continued this for about a month and then added in a potty time right before her evening bath, which was right after dinner. This was an even better time to catch a bm. When she turned one we gave up diapers, at least during her waking hours. We put her in plain old cotton training pants after she sat on the potty each morning. If we went out from the house we would put a plastic cover over them. We continued to use diapers at nap and night time. We developed a schedule of potty times. We would sit her on the potty for at least five minutes each time, or longer if she desired. She hardly ever tried to getup right away, so that made it easy on us. Potty times coincided with her meals, naps and activities. Anytime she wet herself we would take her to the bathroom and have her sit on the potty, then help her get cleaned up and changed. Doing so helped associate urinating with the potty. We were pretty crazy strict about this schedule. When we went out, we took the potty with us in the car, so as not to miss any scheduled potty times. In the beginning there were a lot of wet underpants. By around 15 months we were starting to have some dry mornings or afternoons, and we were catching pretty much all the bm's in the potty! By 18 months she was completely day trained. She continued to were diapers at nap and night until we went for a full month without a wet one, that was probably around two and a half years, maybe before that, but I was just extra cautious. This mama doesn't like to change sheets and jammies in the middle of the night!
Now here we are at ten months again. It seemed to work for us last time to start here, so here we go. We had sat him on the potty a few times over the past few months just to let him have the experience, however he never really seemed very interested. Now we have started sitting him there right after his morning snack, as that is when he usually has a bowel movement. So far he hasn't been very happy to sit there. If we bring in some sort of distraction, like a play cell phone or camera, he will sit there for a bit, but his patience is not the best. When he stands up we sit him back down and tell him it is time to sit on the potty, if he gets up again we let him get up. He hasn't yet urinated or had a bm on the potty.
In the end I know this isn't the only way to help your child to learn to use the toilet, and it certainly isn't the easiest or the quickest. It does follow a couple of rules that I like to stick to when working with children: it is respectful and it responds to the needs of the child. Allowing a child to start using the toilet early gives them independence and allows them to learn before they are aware of the situation. Using the toilet is more comfortable for the child. They don't have to sit in wet diapers, and having a bm on the potty with feet flat on the floor is more natural and comfortable. It can prevent diaper rash and constipation. Once using the potty becomes a regular part of their routine, it becomes easy and sometimes even fun.
I always tell new parents that this method takes longer, but is done sooner than the wait for interest method. It is harder for a while, but easier in the end. AND most importantly it is the best thing for the child!
This will be our second time around with this task. We are practically pros. We have done it once, we can do it again... right? These are the encouraging words I have been vocalizing in preparing myself and my husband for this.
First, let me tell you about our first experience, and then we will get to my thoughts and plans for the little guy. When our daughter was born, I was working full time at a Montessori school. Within the Montessori community there are, of course, some varied ideas of how, and more importantly, when to start with toilet learning. In the end, toileting is another step toward independence, and that is something ALL Montessorians can agree on. Working in the Montessori community gave me some inside connections and insights when it came to parenting, including toileting. I knew that I would start early, use cotton diapers and eventually underpants, and make toileting a regular part of our life. I had seen many schools starting children in training pants/underpants as early as one year, so I knew that I would need to have supplies and a plan by then.
The first thing I did was purchase the book Diaper Free Before Three by Jill Lekovic. It is a great book on toileting, because it offers medical evidence as to how, why, and when you should potty train. It also provides statistics about the shifting average age of starting and complete toilet training here in the US. It is pretty interesting that before the 1960's people didn't believe that children needed to reach specific milestones to prove their readiness for toilet training. This resulted in most children being completely trained(dry during the day) before they turned two. Nowadays people wait for their child to "show an interest" in toileting before they even begin training. Doctors even make parents believe that they could harm their child by trying to train them too early. In my opinion that is CRAZY, but that is just my opinion. By the way, the average age of complete training (dry all day) is now closer to three and a half!
I was convinced that I needed to start early. It was also pretty clear that disposable diapers and pull-ups don't help the situation at all. I used cloth diapers as much as I could in her first year. At ten months, right after reading the book, I bought a tiny potty for my daughter. The potty has to be the appropriate size for the child to feel stable. We started sitting her on it and reading a story every morning after nursing. She loved books, so it was a breeze to keep her there as long as we were willing to sit with her. She often urinated and even had an occasional bowel movement (bm) on her new potty. We continued this for about a month and then added in a potty time right before her evening bath, which was right after dinner. This was an even better time to catch a bm. When she turned one we gave up diapers, at least during her waking hours. We put her in plain old cotton training pants after she sat on the potty each morning. If we went out from the house we would put a plastic cover over them. We continued to use diapers at nap and night time. We developed a schedule of potty times. We would sit her on the potty for at least five minutes each time, or longer if she desired. She hardly ever tried to getup right away, so that made it easy on us. Potty times coincided with her meals, naps and activities. Anytime she wet herself we would take her to the bathroom and have her sit on the potty, then help her get cleaned up and changed. Doing so helped associate urinating with the potty. We were pretty crazy strict about this schedule. When we went out, we took the potty with us in the car, so as not to miss any scheduled potty times. In the beginning there were a lot of wet underpants. By around 15 months we were starting to have some dry mornings or afternoons, and we were catching pretty much all the bm's in the potty! By 18 months she was completely day trained. She continued to were diapers at nap and night until we went for a full month without a wet one, that was probably around two and a half years, maybe before that, but I was just extra cautious. This mama doesn't like to change sheets and jammies in the middle of the night!
Now here we are at ten months again. It seemed to work for us last time to start here, so here we go. We had sat him on the potty a few times over the past few months just to let him have the experience, however he never really seemed very interested. Now we have started sitting him there right after his morning snack, as that is when he usually has a bowel movement. So far he hasn't been very happy to sit there. If we bring in some sort of distraction, like a play cell phone or camera, he will sit there for a bit, but his patience is not the best. When he stands up we sit him back down and tell him it is time to sit on the potty, if he gets up again we let him get up. He hasn't yet urinated or had a bm on the potty.
In the end I know this isn't the only way to help your child to learn to use the toilet, and it certainly isn't the easiest or the quickest. It does follow a couple of rules that I like to stick to when working with children: it is respectful and it responds to the needs of the child. Allowing a child to start using the toilet early gives them independence and allows them to learn before they are aware of the situation. Using the toilet is more comfortable for the child. They don't have to sit in wet diapers, and having a bm on the potty with feet flat on the floor is more natural and comfortable. It can prevent diaper rash and constipation. Once using the potty becomes a regular part of their routine, it becomes easy and sometimes even fun.
I always tell new parents that this method takes longer, but is done sooner than the wait for interest method. It is harder for a while, but easier in the end. AND most importantly it is the best thing for the child!
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